Have I made a Rod for my own back with DD sleeping

[loonnie]

DD, 2.5 started going through a difficult cry phase at bed time when I would leave her room a few months ago. She had phases like that before, but this time it was worse. I had also just had a baby.

In any case, she would become absolutely hysterical when I left her room. Usually I would leave and after 5-10 minutes she'd stop. But at this stage it became much longer and I was very hormonal and couldn't stand to listen to her. My DH made me leave her up there hysterical for almost an hour one night and I told him that's it. I'm never going to leave her to cry like that again.

I posted here at the time and lots it people said they stayed until their children fell asleep. So I started to do that.

It's becoming very difficult now for me though. No matter what kind of nap schedule she's on, she often doesn't fall asleep until 9:30-10pm. I get absolutely no evening at all anymore. When she wakes up in the night I have to go in immediately or again she screams or gets out of bed and looks for me. This wakes up the baby. I can't have them both in the same room because the baby then wakes her up.

Last night I was going between the two rooms all night. The baby is under 6 months, so I need to sleep in a room with him. It's an absolute nightmare. I have zero time to myself and I'm going crazy. How can I sort this out ??

Eh I did that though with her since she was really little.

Then she'd have phases where she'd cry a bit more, but it was all pretty good.

It became unbearable for me when the second child came along. So, your theory isn't always correct actually.

I still think you should go out for a drive with the baby and let dh sort it out because the crying distresses you. He will crack it within a week.

I had this and what worked for us was a gradual retreat. Necessary as otherwise whole house kept awake. Initially I sat near her bed till she fell asleep then near the door then other side of door then landing, topstep of stairs middle etc. Any fuss from her would be dealt with calmy and quietly. No lights on, she had a nightlight, just repeating you're OK now go to sleep good night then retreat to where I was. Repeat, repeat. No 'rewards' of extra fuss. Took a while but worked for us. Any repeats then back and repeat. She soon realised boundaries. Opposite problem now teen🙄

I think you might be right.

Sounds to me like this may be much more about your DD feeling unsettled by the new baby coming along and your divided attention than it actually is about sleep (at least initially, now it's a habit). Sorry, that's not at all helpful but just an observation.

Could you go out for a few nights in a row and leave your DH to deal with it to break the cycle? Just tell DD calmly "mummy is going out tonight for time with her friends, daddy is putting you and the baby to bed, see you in the morning". Then leave the house. Ideally do see a friend, or go to a movie or to a gym/swim or something you'll enjoy that will distract you. That way you don't hear the crying, and from her point of view there is no point for her to keep trying to break your heart by crying because she know you aren't there to hear her. Requires your DH to step up big time - and you may have to peel her off you to get out the door - but assuming he's supportive of sorting this out, the short term pain for him will be worth it for the whole family.

She can't sleep because she's napping at 4. If she's exhausted bring her bedtime right forward, even as far as 5.30/6 if she's tired. If she hasn't had a nap by 12/1 then don't let her. Then you need to be firm and consistent. Decide on a course of action whether it's cry it out or gradual retreat and follow it to the letter. Make sure her routine before bed is perfect and I don't think you should make your DH do it. If she wants you, won't it just upset her more if she thinks you're off with the new baby and she gets left with her dad? But you have to decide, tell her what's going to happen and follow through. It won't take more than a week before she stops bothering, they catch on quickly!

Yes, you've created a rod for your own back. Your DH seems to have a firmer approach so ask him to deal with it while you go for a walk with the baby. Your daughter is going through a tough time and she maybe feels insecure with the new baby, but the sooner you sort it out, the better. You must be exhausted

I didn't mean she regularly naps at 4. I mean that she gets tired at 4 or 5 when she doesn't have a nap earlier in the day. I was illustrating that fact to understand if anyone would be able to tell me that it's normal that she gets tired at 4 and just falls asleep on the floor, or if it's a sign that she shouldn't drip her nap yet

At this age I told my DD I would stay as long as she lay quietly and still. I would lay with her and say I'd play my game or whatever for as long as she relaxed and closed her eyes. I'd leave if she mucked about. 2.5 is mostly old enough for that? Mine got used to it quickly and usually was down in ten minutes. DH needs to keep an eye on the baby. I wouldn't leave her to cry and insist DH deals, it'll make her feel pushed out.

Also i wouldn't be dropping the nap. If she's falling asleep at 4 she needs a catnap at 1.

Thwacks for your perspective. Today she fell asleep on the kitchen floor at 2:30. Too late I know. I tried to wake her, but she was so tired.

Could you manage to drop naps but keep her up for a few days until 5.30 then pjs , story, sleep, with one of those tommy tippy blackout blinds in her room. Then gradually push it back until she’s going to bed arou d 6.30?

She’s not a baby anymore.
she knows what she is doing. She’s not hurt, hungry etc. Agree with the advice for you to go out and let your DH deal with it. She needs to get some sleep and it’s important to be firm.

It's so hard for toddlers to adjust to a sibling and it's so hard for us because they become so much more difficult and clingy. I have been there OP, it gets easier when the baby is old enough that she has a relationship with them. They then feel less excluded.

I would give her 10 minutes one to one time in the day, no distractions or phones or anything. I used to do this with my son when the baby was napping.

As for bedtime, listen out for what is hysterics and drama for you to come to her and what's an actual cry. I would let my kids whine but when they became upset/ distressed I would go in resettled them and then once they had calmed down I would leave. And then repeat the first night is long and it takes a while but after a few nights it's easier. As for her waking up in the night screaming that's probably because she thinks she has lost you, children like to wake up how they went to sleep. So if your in her room when she falls asleep she will expect to see you there when she wakes up.

Good luck and I hope things get easier, this parenting thing is not easy 💛

My DS is a similar age and strayed to try this on a few weeks ago. Honestly, drop the nap and do not let her fall asleep at tea time. My DS can get cranky at tea time and start to nod off but he will power through and get a second wind and to be honest he's not napped for a few weeks now and generally copes fine. If he cries at bed time or in the night I go in every few minutes and reassure but absolutely try not to touch him or pick him up. Minimal conversation or contact. He soon realised it wasn't worth it. Good luck

DC2 has just fallen asleep now after allegedly only having 30 minutes nap 1215-1.15 at nursery

I call bullshit tbh. Not sure what to do though!

I would put all three of you on the same room. There is a little bit of waking each other up but they get used to it and sleep through it quite quickly. It is hard work not as bad as running between rooms. Good on you for feeling remorseful for letting your child cry uncontrollably for an hour with no support or consolation. I hope you give your husband the cold shoulder and offer no sympathy at all next time he has a bad day. I think until now, you’ve been a great parent meeting the needs of your children where they are at day and night. If you want a different kind of support / advice then what you are getting here then look up ‘beyond sleep training’ groups on Facebook.

Was also going to suggest the "beyond sleep training" Facebook group. You haven't created a rod for your own back, you've been responding to and supporting a very young child who needs you during a period of much change and upheaval in her life. There are options that will allow you to get better sleep without letting her cry and if you are interested I would really recommend the Facebook group.

This is my personal nightmare.

Hi, trying to think how to layout this advice. I have a 4 year old who doesn't need much sleep and I remember having bad periods at 2 1/2 to 3 years when we were dropping the nap. We had periods of having to lie down on the floor and hold his hand.

He shares with baby brother and they have for nearly a year and I thought it was the worse idea but I think it actually helped the older child and he loves having his brother in there with him. I keep hearing as adults we don't like sleeping alone - why would children?

First night we tried it - I had this image of cuddling both with a story and them going to sleep together - disaster they thought it was a great game.

What works is the baby goes to bed first at 7 and once he is asleep, toddler has a story in my bed before we tiptoe into their room. Once baby is in bed the toddler then gets some 1:1 time pre-bed

I thought they would wake each other up. When the baby would cry for a feed, toddler would see me in the room and go back to sleep. So far it works