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AIBU?

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Original poster

Dating websites

22 replies

Guessie · 25/08/2022 11:01

At what point in a relationship do you stop looking at dating websites? Been with my partner 5 or so months. Seems serious but never had the talk about exclusivity so suppose we need to do that. Was at his last night and he got a notification from a dating app. In all fairness, I hadn't deleted mine but haven't looked at it in months and had notifications turned off, so technically my page still existed until I deleted it last night. I pointed out the notification and he said he didn't use it and just deleted them. I didn't push any further but wish I had. Asked him briefly about it via text when I got home but he said was nothing to worry about he doesn't use it and was just a notification. Fine. Now seen however via a friend who is on that same site that he is online currently. Possibly because he's curious and our conversation took him there. Possibly because he's mugging me off. Not entirely sure. I'm away for the weekend so can't talk to him properly about it yet, however, how do I do this when I get back without looking possessive, like I don't trust him or like I have stalked him online? I'm a bit concerned about it and just want a resolution. Feel like it's annoyingly going to ruin my weekend away!

OP posts:
inmyslippers · 25/08/2022 11:04

5months in I'd expect a full fledged exclusive relationship.

Original poster
Guessie · 25/08/2022 11:05

inmyslippers · 25/08/2022 11:04

5months in I'd expect a full fledged exclusive relationship.

Well that's what I thought until this seed of doubt has been planted!

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Sunnyqueen · 25/08/2022 11:08

5 months is way too long though you should have had the conversation about whether you were exclusive a few weeks in. But right now yeah he's mugging you off.

Original poster
Guessie · 25/08/2022 11:10

Sunnyqueen · 25/08/2022 11:08

5 months is way too long though you should have had the conversation about whether you were exclusive a few weeks in. But right now yeah he's mugging you off.

Really, genuinely did not think he was the type. We spend so much time together. This is the first time I have ever had any bad vibe whatsoever. Definitely taken me by surprise

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JenGin · 25/08/2022 11:12

I'd maybe give him the benefit of the doubt on this occasion? You'd just been talking about the app so maybe he was even going into the app to turn the notifications off and got 'caught' on it just at the wrong time! It depends how comfortable you are with doing to bit of sleuthing but maybe ask your friend to check if he's been on it again since? Or just have a chat with him about exclusivity and deleting the app? That would probably be the more grown up way of dealing with it!

AnnaFri · 25/08/2022 11:15

If you haven't discussed being exclusive then he isn't wrong for continuing to use dating apps.

Original poster
Guessie · 25/08/2022 11:24

JenGin · 25/08/2022 11:12

I'd maybe give him the benefit of the doubt on this occasion? You'd just been talking about the app so maybe he was even going into the app to turn the notifications off and got 'caught' on it just at the wrong time! It depends how comfortable you are with doing to bit of sleuthing but maybe ask your friend to check if he's been on it again since? Or just have a chat with him about exclusivity and deleting the app? That would probably be the more grown up way of dealing with it!

This is my thought exactly. I'm not in a panic or anything. I'm a pretty rational person. He's bloody lovely. I just don't want it to turn into a thing. I think we need to have a proper chat.

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Original poster
Guessie · 25/08/2022 11:24

AnnaFri · 25/08/2022 11:15

If you haven't discussed being exclusive then he isn't wrong for continuing to use dating apps.

I agree. I actually think I'd have been OK with him saying 'yes I'm still on them'. It's not knowing whether he lied to me that's really bothering me.

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Original poster
Guessie · 25/08/2022 11:27

I'm so anxious about this. Wish I wasn't away a bloody weekend!! It's going to play on my mind big time.

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heatissweet · 25/08/2022 11:35

Don't let it ruin your weekend OP. I'd distance yourself from him a bit and take some time to work out if this is what you want. Consider your options, eg break it off, start dating again yourself, or ask him to come off the app. FWIW I think he's out of order to be doing this without making it clear to you, given you've been together that long.

Original poster
Guessie · 25/08/2022 11:46

heatissweet · 25/08/2022 11:35

Don't let it ruin your weekend OP. I'd distance yourself from him a bit and take some time to work out if this is what you want. Consider your options, eg break it off, start dating again yourself, or ask him to come off the app. FWIW I think he's out of order to be doing this without making it clear to you, given you've been together that long.

Thing is though, it's not beyond the realms of possibility that he was being completely honest, just hadn't deleted his account (like me!), was still getting notifications that he just ignored, and he might have just been online today because it came up in conversation yesterday so he was turning notifications off or deleting the app (not sure if he's deleted it now or now).

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Original poster
Guessie · 25/08/2022 11:47

*not

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Original poster
Guessie · 25/08/2022 11:59

Do I tell him my friend actively looked for his profile, found it and saw he was online? I feel pretty guilty about even doing this

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JenGin · 25/08/2022 12:01

I wouldn't even bother. I'd just talk to him and ask if he feels your both in a place where you can call it an exclusive relation and then in turn ask if can delete the app.

Whydidimarryhim · 25/08/2022 12:03

Interesting that he’s looking as you are going away for the weekend - could be setting up a date or maybe his curiosity was sparked.
can your friend message him and see if he responds?

heatissweet · 25/08/2022 12:07

Do I tell him my friend actively looked for his profile, found it and saw he was online? I feel pretty guilty about even doing this

I wouldn't feel guilty. You're just protecting yourself. If it was me I'd ask him has he come off it now or is he happy that you both date other people because if so you're going to be fixing up some dates with others. If he says he's come off it, then you can check if you don't believe him. He should be seeking to reassure you if he's keen on you. If not then bin him.

Original poster
Guessie · 25/08/2022 12:08

Whydidimarryhim · 25/08/2022 12:03

Interesting that he’s looking as you are going away for the weekend - could be setting up a date or maybe his curiosity was sparked.
can your friend message him and see if he responds?

Definitely don't want to fall in the the territory of catfishing. Would feel very uncomfortable with this.

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HelloCanYouHearMe · 25/08/2022 12:15

I'd have the conversation with him.

I met my DP on Tinder and months into our relationship he was still getting the notifications - he just hadnt deleted his account and hadn't considered that to me it looked like he was still active on there (he wasnt)

He deleted his account there and then

Original poster
Guessie · 25/08/2022 12:19

Ffs. Just seen he's still online on the app. I think I'm bring mugged off here.

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JenGin · 25/08/2022 12:22

Guessie · 25/08/2022 12:19

Ffs. Just seen he's still online on the app. I think I'm bring mugged off here.

Okay in that case you're within your rights to confront him. Not because he's on the app, seeing as you haven't made anything exclusive, but because he's lied to you. How you know he's still on the app isn't relevant.

Sunnyqueen · 25/08/2022 12:26

Guessie · 25/08/2022 11:10

Really, genuinely did not think he was the type. We spend so much time together. This is the first time I have ever had any bad vibe whatsoever. Definitely taken me by surprise

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Yeah I'm sorry I just think if he was looking out of curiosity because it was brought up that would take what 2 minutes? The chances it being coincidence would be slim to none.

Original poster
Guessie · 25/08/2022 14:04

I've confronted him via text which is not ideal but I can't stew on it any longer. Let's see...

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