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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Why are in-laws like this?!!

37 replies

summerdays12 · 25/08/2022 10:51

So visiting my in-laws this week with my DD who is about to turn 4.

I haven't seen them in over 2 years as they were living abroad, now back.

Anyway! My DH had to work so I went to visit them just the two of us..
All fine until day 2 when father/in-law after a lovely walk at the playground - he didn't come along! - starts saying to my DD "come here and teach me the alphabet"
DD was tired and thirsty from the walk, didn't say anything.
I then said to her to come and have a drink of water, some snacks..
Just got her away from him.

Later there was some comments about how their neighbours grand daughter is 4 and already been at school for a year or more.. I tried to explain that must be daycare...children don't start school until 4..

Anyway the point I'm making is why do some people try to make a point of testing your child!

By the way my DD does know her alphabet, I'm not worried about her at all.

I'm staying with them for a few days.

I'm wondering if I should ask direct why the sudden interest in her knowing the alphabet !!!

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 25/08/2022 10:52

I think you should chill out

takealettermsjones · 25/08/2022 10:54

Unless there's a massive backstory I don't think he was testing her? It's just a nice song to sing together, he hasn't seen her for a while so he might not know what songs she knows, so he's just gone with the very common alphabet song as it's a safe bet?

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 25/08/2022 10:56

I think he just wanted to spend some time with her and maybe sing the alphabet together.

The whole school thing isn't a big deal; they were just saying the child was already in school. I'm with you on the point that she probably isn't, but it doesn't really matter.

I also think you should chill out a bit.

Cucumberbund · 25/08/2022 10:56

It's really irritating. My neighbour used to do it. It feels like they are testing your parenting more than the child. Also I wonder if they feel it's what grandparents are supposed to do?

5foot5 · 25/08/2022 10:56

Anyway the point I'm making is why do some people try to make a point of testing your child!

So if your query is about some people why did your thread title why in-laws are like this? A title which, in any case, is going to cause comment because whatever behaviour you are talking about is unlikely to be exhibited by all in-laws.

My guess is that your FIL was just trying to find some way of passing time with / having a conversation with your DD and just thought of this. Maybe they don't know many 4 year olds so they are using one of the few they know as reference.

Anyway I think you are over-thinking this. Stop looking for something to complain about.

AnnaFri · 25/08/2022 10:57

Erm..: YABU

How on earth do you consider a grandfather asking his grand child to teach him the alphabet as testing her?

ZeroFuchsGiven · 25/08/2022 10:58

I can not see one thing that your inlaws have done wrong!

fannyfan · 25/08/2022 10:59

Good god get a grip

Justcallmebebes · 25/08/2022 11:00

Yeah, you're massively over thinking this. I don't think he was trying to "test" her at all

toooldtocarewhoknows · 25/08/2022 11:01

They aren't around children. You know your children and know that the timing wasn't suitable for the alphabet thing after the park. Your FIL won't have a scooby do.

For the starting school comment, my four year old back in the day would have had 11.5 months in school by the time they turned 5. Was a late august baby. It might be they know a friend who had a grandchild that had an august birthday. Nothing more.

Just smile and say nothing. They mean well but the age difference will show very clearly, it's lovely they want to have a relationship with you all. So many really don't.

FatEaredFuck · 25/08/2022 11:01

ZeroFuchsGiven · 25/08/2022 10:58

I can not see one thing that your inlaws have done wrong!

Completely agree. Sounds like he's talking to you and talking to your daughter.

I understand PILS are irritating but your daughter will benefit from different interactions.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 25/08/2022 11:02

Just got her away from him

Thats actually really sad.

StClare101 · 25/08/2022 11:02

Fucks sake. Grow up.

Choice4567 · 25/08/2022 11:04

Seems like a very tiny thing to be so wound up about!

dolphinsarentcommon · 25/08/2022 11:04

Your poor in laws. Trying to show an interest and interact with their grandchild and all you do is moan

You've said they have t seen a lot of her.. being around small children isn't what they're used to and they're probably out of practise.

Crayfishforyou · 25/08/2022 11:08

MIL did it constantly, she still does but I filter it out now.
The one that I remember the most was after dd grew her first tooth. MIL was asking how I brushed her teeth. I said I gave her a chewable toothbrush thing. MIL looked put out (🤷🏻‍♀️) before smugly asking ‘’Ah! But how do you get her to rinse?” And then smiled as I said I didn’t, as though she’d won.
It’s batshit

ZeroFuchsGiven · 25/08/2022 11:09

Crayfishforyou · 25/08/2022 11:08

MIL did it constantly, she still does but I filter it out now.
The one that I remember the most was after dd grew her first tooth. MIL was asking how I brushed her teeth. I said I gave her a chewable toothbrush thing. MIL looked put out (🤷🏻‍♀️) before smugly asking ‘’Ah! But how do you get her to rinse?” And then smiled as I said I didn’t, as though she’d won.
It’s batshit

What on earth has that got to do with the op? Confused

latetothefisting · 25/08/2022 11:13

where I live lots of kids start school aged 3, it's called "rising threes"

www.caerphillyearlyyears.co.uk/childcare/early-years-education/
This isn't my district but explains it.

They are in the nursery class (e.g. the class before reception) but it is all part of the same school, gets the same funding, the headteacher has overall responsibility, often they wear the same uniform etc.

It's completely different to daycare - they are taught the same as the older children (i.e. the 4 year olds also in nursery, not year 6!), follow a curriculum, evidence skills sets, taught by a teacher etc. rather than daycare which is primarily childcare. Not to say they don't learn anything in daycare but it's not the primary objective and it's not formalised the same way.

so if that was what granddad was talking about for the other child he was perfectly correct in saying she was in school.

Sunnyqueen · 25/08/2022 11:17

Got her away from him??
That's his granddaughter you know - not some random. I can't see what they've done wrong, it's you with the issue.

Mammyloveswine · 25/08/2022 11:19

I feel like there's going to be a massive backstory.,,

Poor grandad sitting there getting totally ignored by your daughter and by you! Did you say anything when you "got her away from him"?

Like pp's have said its a safe thing for the older generation to ask (although from a teacher point of view the alphabet is just a song as we teach phonics sounds for reading but I digress! My mother still gets the rage that she taught us the alphabet and school "taught you stupid sounds like ah, buh" Grin)

Arenanewbie · 25/08/2022 11:21

He probably didn’t know what to do with her as he didn’t see her for a while. However it depends how he communicates with her during the activity.it’s true some people are like this with children they just don’t able to have relaxing game without obvious educational purpose. They can’t do doodling they need to make a picture with topic, plan etc.
Again instead of asking how she is at nursery, what games she likes, what food etc the main topic of conversation is always about formal achievements hence the story of neighbours grandchild.
it depends how intense it is and what are the reasons: are they very academic/ high achieving family/ is it cultural?
Anyway relax and ignore it a bit.

Alexapause · 25/08/2022 11:22

"Just got her away from him." You make the poor man sound like a monster! It was just an easy way of interacting with a 4 year old. So sad.

MercurialMonday · 25/08/2022 11:25

Some grandparents are competitive - but I suspect it's likely he perhaps as he didn't know her that well was at disadvantage starting a conversation and reading signs she was tired.

I'm not sure mine did "know" the alphabet but nursery/preschool and us at home did a lot of Jolly phonics and knew those sounds.

Kite22 · 25/08/2022 11:26

Just got her away from him.

Hmm Are you this overly dramatic in all aspects of your life ? Must be exhausting.

You little girl's grandad interacted with her and chose to engage her in a way he knew, and that is your response?

I've not said this on MN before, but I think the time is ripe.
You need to get a grip.

Kite22 · 25/08/2022 11:28

Yes, YABVVVVU

Some people would love to have family who are interested in interacting with their grandchildren and spending time with them.