Don’t tell mummy

[ThismorningwithoutSchofield]

Lay in bed this morning ( Dh doing Dds breakfast, we alternate each day when both off on holidays)
Dd is trying gluten free as has bad stomach issues at present.
Heard Dh giving her some cereal she’s not allowed, she knows she’s not allowed just at the moment and he knows.
He said ‘Don’t tell mummy’ as he gave her some
Aibu to be pissed off about this? Yes to the fact she can’t have gluten and it will mess up all I’m trying to do with her to make her better, but mainly to saying ‘Don’t tell mummy’
I don’t like it

The don't tell mummy thing would piss me right off. One of the main things I've taught my DC is that if someone - anyone - tells you "don't tell your mum/dad" then the first thing you need to do is tell mum/dad.

This.
He sounds like a twat. How old is your DD? I'd be having a conversation with her about keeping secrets and why she can't have the cereal now, how it is directly harmful for her to keep this secret from you.
And it'd be strike one for the irresponsible idiot that is supposed to be the other adult in the relationship.

YANBU. I've stamped out the "Just don't tell your mother" thing in my house. My DH use to always do it - like taking them to McDonalds or general treats or presents. It was never what actual act that pissed me off, I just felt that it was creating an "Us v Mummy" attitude and was causing DC to go straight to DH when I've said no to something in the hope he'll contradict me. DH thought it was just lighthearted but saw that I was finding it genuinely annoying and has stopped doing it.

‘Don’t tell mummy’? Err, what else is he going to try and get her to lie about. So you are bad cop, to his good cop? So disrespectful. Fuck that - you need to nip this in the bud and speak to him

They just came straight back from a dog walk and she told me straightaway she’d had it, I told her she wasn’t supposed to…she went straight to tell Dh she wasn’t supposed to have it, he said ‘It was only a bit’
Not fair to put her in that situation, confuses her.

He sounds immature and pathetic. 'Only a bit?' It only takes a bit to make her poorly. There are a million and one breakfast options she could have had - why is THAT cereal so important.

He sounds like a 17 year old. Why can't he respect your wishes?

YANBU- he should NOT be teaching your child to disobey and deceive you (fortunately she did tell the truth spontaneously anyway). Especially not on health-related matters.

*Came back from a dog walk-not straightaway back from a dog walk

Glad she came to tell me, she knew she wasn’t supposed to herself, she’s 4 and pretty clued up..I hope she’ll always continue to tell me everything if anyone ever says that to her

He wanted a bowl of the cereal so likely felt guilty or she asked. I wouldn’t have it in front of her as too tempting for her, isn’t fair

Does she have coeliac? Because if you're trying to get her tested for it cutting out gluten can cause a false negative

Eurgh, I just really hate the not telling me! To lie to me/keep stuff from me and the confusion for her, isn’t nice…not to mention the most important, wider aspect of her being told to keep a secret by a stranger/another adult..bloody stupid!

Coeliac disease *

@fannyfan Shes had the testing but I want to try anyway to see if it helps at all, almost two weeks in, no real change but know I have to wait longer

When you say, she is trying gluten free. Don't you really mean you are trying a gluten free diet for her?

How are you planning on handling this with your DH so it stops here and now?

Exactly this. He needs to understand why instructing a child to keep secrets is a potential dangerous thing to do. He also needs to grow up and have a conversation with you if he disagrees with your decision to eliminate gluten from your child's diet.

@tttigress ? Yes that’s what I meant

MN is so weird about shit like this

Don't worry OP you'll get people on here asking what else is he encouraging her not to tell you soon.

Drama llamas

It's not being weird or a drama llama to encourage children to be honest with their parents and to not hide information, particularly when that information relates to their wellbeing or safety. If someone is telling a child "don't tell your mum/dad", nine times out of ten it's because it's something that mum/dad would not be happy about.

It usually is about something very lighthearted or small. Such as a sweet or treat etc which while annoying is not the end of the world. Every child deserves a cheeky sweet now and then! It's more the implications of it that I was finding difficult. It was causing a sort of divide and conquer attitude, undermined me and made me look like the mean stingy one.

No shit Sherlock

This, plus the fact he’s making her Ill and not teaching her to look after her health.

Stay calm obvs, but come down hard, he does not get to be Disney dad

We have a no secrets policy in this house as I worry about child abuse (not in my family home but generally) there are xmas/birthday surprises etc but we always say if someone tells you to keep a secret it's not ok. And it scares me that adults are saying "don't tell Mummy" ..... thin end of the wedge.

I agree with a PP, the first thing most children will do if they are told not to tell mum or dad is tell them and rightfully so.