Ex DH and child abuse

[anothernamechangeagain101]

Posting in aibu for traffic (may not be right place but I have no idea where this would belong too)

I have named changed due to fear this will have RL implications and I'm in such a desperate position I don't know where else to turn to.

10 years ago I left my DH as he was searching for child porn and various other really graphic/nasty stuff on internet (not your usual edge porn for reference) . For months it would appear based on his search history...He had a code on his phone and he had forgotten I knew it. I thought he was shagging someone else but turns out it was so much worse. I was sick on the spot having suffered child abuse as a child (which he knew about)

He refused to divorce me and because i was young at the time I didn't realise It was corcieve abusive relationship. To be clear he never raised his hand to me, but tbh he didn't need to (it took me years to recognise that's what the relationship was) I said I would go to the police with what I had seen if he didn't let me divorce him and he relented.

And selfishly I ran and never told a soul (I hadn't at that time spoken to anyone about the abuse I had suffered as a child either bar him). I can't excuse my actions I just wanted to be free. During the time we were getting divorced he stalked me, showed up at the place I was staying, called me repeatedly off unknown numbers, tires kept getting damaged but no proof so couldn't do anything ect and although our social circles were intertwined I managed to avoid him and he eventually remarried a teacher (😭) and I went on to have my own children remarry - I never had children with my ex DH ect (this was 10 years ago for reference).

After a rather horrific experience giving birth to my Dc and having to explain why I wasn't comfortable with internal examinations - my childhood abuse (with men I didn't know from Adam) I slipped into post natal depression. It all came flooding back all of the abuse and I decided to reach out for help from the mental health perinatal team and diagnosed with pdst.

I was working through my childhood abuse and I mentioned my ex in passing.

This is probably the biggest mistake of my life. They have said they have to report my ex DH and either they would do to unanimously or they would give the police my details and the police would force me to give the details. The problem being no one knows bar me and my ex the real reason for the split (he told people I cheated) and I'm terrified he will come after me like he did all these years ago but now I have children.Ones I swore I would protect, like I wasn't and I have failed them. He knows where I live, my kids names, my work, my car everything.

The team have said that rules are rules and unfortunately we will be collateral damage, and understand that I won't want support from them because of this. Luckily I have proof of what he was looking at (I took videos of the links on his phone he was watching) having never looked at them myself obviously. His family however will come after me with a avengeance, malicious reports to ss, calls texts anything that would be a struggle to pin down to police.

I have lost my only support and I'm worried that they have given me no option with my ex DH but aren't fussed about reporting the abuse I suffered as a child(which I find terribly ironic). I don't know if he was just looking or what type of risk he is, I hope he wouldn't act on it but god knows I have no idea given who he chose to marry years on. I do know that is very selfishly but I'm scared and still am, by that point people pointed out to me it would be seen as malicious and I could potentially get into trouble for not reporting.

Any SW, police anyone that can lend any practical advice. I'm scared out of my mind, I want to keep my kids safe. Ex DH told me no one would believe me and honestly he's so charming, I don't doubt people won't want to believe it. He said he would take me to court for slander, and come after me if I ever said anything and I believe him (not that I have any of the phones from this time with texts proving this)

Please be gentle with me, I know this is a emotive topic and I didn't do the right thing but put yourself in my shoes. All I can say is I wasn't in my right mind.

I reached out for help and I'm going to suffer the consequences of this and so will my children.

Help. I'm so very close to breaking.

It is child safeguarding & safeguarding is everybody's business in guidance - it is statutory duty. They have to report this

It would be unlikely he has stopped watching online child porn. He is a highly probable active risk currently to children

The police will do their part and likely get warrant for his electronic devices if they feel there's sufficient grounds to do so. It will be a senior police decision.

Cooperate but I suggest you don't conjecture that you were hoping back then that he would let you divorce him if you didn't mention you saw his child porn- as that makes you complicit.

If xH has child porn on any of those devices, then they will put to CPS to decide whether to prosecute. They prosecute what is easy to prove, your earlier info will just be about reason to search and will be redundant if they find he's still at it.

None of that involves you other than the first intelligence of it from historical events.

His wife is a teacher , she will want you know ie police investigate- if there may be any substance to it that he is a sexual offender Involved in child pornography. Let the police do their job

He said he would take me to court for slander, and come after me if I ever said anything and I believe him

That was back then he said that. It's a shame you believed him

Now you know that reporting a safeguarding to correct authorities isn't considered slander , it's a duty to report concerns - ie that you believe it may be a possibility- that should be investigated to see if it is true. That's not slander

You'd only get into trouble for slander if it was repeated malicious statements in social media or to friends, etc , or if it was repeated multiple times of groundless false allegations to public authorities in a provable pattern. Truth is the defence.

No one claiming sander would choose to take this to court - unless it was already splashed across media- as they would literally be inviting attention to allegations whether true or not and civil courts have a lower bar set than criminal courts.

Trust me he won't do that, it'd be like his setting a grenade off in his life to try to blow someone else up 100m away outside his life.

Just to be clear - I only have the urls of what he was watching and searching for. I have 0 idea on what it contained bar what I could see. You will have to forgive me because I couldn't check it out and verify any of that because simply I will not engage with that on any level. It was pretty clear on intent.

Luckily I do have proof so I'm glad that I have that and by the nature of things I haven't told a soul. I certainly wouldn't put this on social media ect. I'm slightly concerned about this post now you mention it. Should I ask for it to be taken down ?

I believed a lot to be honest. I'm rather angry with my younger self but I can't change what happened. And I was scared and to be honest in my opinion rightly so.
I keep being asked if I consider him a risk but frankly how would I know bar what I have seen and I didn't go digging tbh. I can't speculate. Maybe me leaving gave him the shock he needed or maybe it didn't. I have 0 idea and 0 experience professionally in this area so can't speculate either way.

Naturally I will show the police what I have and co operate. I just don't want my kids being targeted. I don't care so much about me at this point.

I don't doubt I will be cast as the bitter ex wife but I genuinely just want to escape this hell that I have been dumped in.

It makes me want to be sick thinking about it to be honest.

Just hear to say op I really feel for you.

Sounds like you were in a abusive relationship and did what was best for your MH at the time.

He can't take you to court for slander and any attempt to intimidate you by him or his family would be taken extremely seriously by the police. You do not need to be frightened of him any more. When you divorced him you were young, you were being controlled and gaslit. You don't need to believe his bullshit any more.

What you disclose will simply give them a reason to search his devices etc in the first instance, and it's unlikely they'll tell him who has raised suspicions. For all he'll know it could just as easily be his current wife or a colleague or simply the police investigating traffic to certain websites. If he is still looking at child abuse images (which it's pretty likely he still is) then they will almost certainly find enough evidence without having to involve you in the prosecution anyway.

You would also be able to explain your fear of intimidation etc to the police so they can reassure you about how you can be protected, particularly if you also disclose to them that you are also a survivor of child sex abuse yourself.

I'm curious as to why your ex knows your children's names, work details, car etc when you divorced him a decade ago and have no children with him, though. Are you still married to your second husband (your children's father)? I suspect your ex is a coward who will not attempt to harass you if he knows you have a husband supporting you.

@10HailMarys thank you. I wasn't sure re the police having had exactly no experience with them.

Re my ex knowing things, we have got a lot of friends in common as I knew my ex in school he has a tendency to ask about me. Since everyone thinks I cheated on him (due to my ex telling them such) when I ask to not pass things on they think I'm up to something shady.

I cannot word exactly but honestly you would believe him, he's charismatic and older than me and has adopted the I hope she's doing better (poor anothernamechange, threw it all away). I had to distance myself from most if not all those friends (bar one who's a family friend) but somehow he seems to know more than he should even with me locking down my life.

Even my friend said how did DHs ex know about my new car to her partner and the partner shrugged and said you know what he's like he's nosy... Which unnerves me.

I can't say to anyone hey he was abusive to me because I doubt anyone would believe me after the whole scarlet letter thing.

Maybe I'm not giving people enough credit.

Thank you for being so kind.

I am sorry you are so much in fear of this man, who has threatened and emotionally abused you.

Morally, you do not deserve to be put under any pressure to report or provide information.

The conviction rates for child abuse, accessing child abuse images on line and coercive control are very low. It makes no sense for anyone to put any of the blame or responsibility on the victims.

There are literally hundreds of people who are actually complicit in producing and distributing these images who should be the focus of the attention of the authorities.

In my opinion, the focus and balance is wrong. Support services should not be put in a position where they break the trust bond with their victims, pit them against powerfully manipulative criminals in a justice system that is designed to fail them and to retraumatise them.

Do what is right for you OP and keep in mind the hundreds of other people who are actually complict in this crime. The authorities should be focusing their efforts elsewhere because their current strategies are woefully ineffective at prevention, deterring and prosecution, that is not down to you.