DD7 needs help with everything

imsoverytired83 · 2022-08-24T23:20:57+00:00

Putting on her shoes, putting on clothes, brushing her teeth, finding things. Today I gave them both clear instructions, once we get home you need to put your swimming costume on, put your onesie on and your crocs and be ready, we need to be quick. Her sister was there waiting all done and she needed help with putting on everything. She would rather her sister do it or I do for her than do it herself. I have tried saying ‘no, you’re a big girl you can do it’ when she asks for help but then she ends up crying or just doesnt do it. Am I expecting too much from a 7 year old nearly 8 year old? Am i being unreasonable? It drives me around the bend and i end up getting frustrated with her, which I hate.

cestlavielife · 25/08/2022 00:23

Try giviing visual instructions
Get a whiteboard and write _ draw the instructions

Harrriet · 25/08/2022 00:24

How does she manage at school? Changing for PE for example.

Badgerforbreakfast · 25/08/2022 00:25

A lot of people won’t like this but … could she have ADHD? I am seeing a lot of my own adult self in what you are saying and I am ADHD to the max!

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 25/08/2022 00:25

YANBU.

My twins were speech delayed and one thing I was advised to do, which was helpful, was to firstly break down what I wanted. "We're getting home now and I need you to do this quickly ok?" The second thing was to get them to repeat back the instructions "DD I need you to put your swimming costume and onesie on. Tell me what it is I need you to do". Also keep things simple, so one instruction at a time where possible. Granted this was when they were under 5.

Not suggesting she has any speech or understanding issues, but at least if you can impress upon her what needs to happen without it turning into a fight you'll be halfway there - because I agree she should be doing these things already.

Original poster

imsoverytired83 · 25/08/2022 00:28

Harrriet · 25/08/2022 00:24

How does she manage at school? Changing for PE for example.

Fine it would seem!

OP posts:

Original poster

imsoverytired83 · 25/08/2022 00:30

Badgerforbreakfast · 25/08/2022 00:25

A lot of people won’t like this but … could she have ADHD? I am seeing a lot of my own adult self in what you are saying and I am ADHD to the max!

I am beginning to think this. I have asked school for an assessment and they have said that she passes all assessments with flying colours. She does get very anxious a lot of the time about very small things too.

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GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 25/08/2022 00:30

I also know this won’t be popular but like an above poster I thought adhd

My 8 yo son is currently in the assessment process, and he could no more follow that set of institutions- given before you were even in the house - than fly.

One instruction at a time, or something visual, or set everything out so he can see it would be the way to make this work with him.

“Do x, y, and z, and do it quickly as we’re in a hurry, but don’t do it now, do it when we get home would be a disaster”.

Original poster

imsoverytired83 · 25/08/2022 00:33

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 25/08/2022 00:25

YANBU.

My twins were speech delayed and one thing I was advised to do, which was helpful, was to firstly break down what I wanted. "We're getting home now and I need you to do this quickly ok?" The second thing was to get them to repeat back the instructions "DD I need you to put your swimming costume and onesie on. Tell me what it is I need you to do". Also keep things simple, so one instruction at a time where possible. Granted this was when they were under 5.

Not suggesting she has any speech or understanding issues, but at least if you can impress upon her what needs to happen without it turning into a fight you'll be halfway there - because I agree she should be doing these things already.

Thank you - she did actually have speech issues until about 4 and still has a bit of a lisp at times. However the lisp isnt very consistent, sometimes its like she cant bothered to open her mouth. At times i have to ask her multiple times what she’s saying.

She does know exactly what is asked of her- she will bring me the items and say ‘help me with this’ but i know for a fact she can do it.

She is very creative and expressive and has lots of wonderful qualities but its incredibly frustrating for not just me but her too, she will totally lose her rag if she cant get something done instantly.

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Original poster

imsoverytired83 · 25/08/2022 00:35

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 25/08/2022 00:30

I also know this won’t be popular but like an above poster I thought adhd

My 8 yo son is currently in the assessment process, and he could no more follow that set of institutions- given before you were even in the house - than fly.

One instruction at a time, or something visual, or set everything out so he can see it would be the way to make this work with him.

“Do x, y, and z, and do it quickly as we’re in a hurry, but don’t do it now, do it when we get home would be a disaster”.

Thank you - how did you get him assessed and in the process? The school dont seem to want to know as she’s great academically- all ‘working at a greater depth’ in each of her subjects. They just say she lacks confidence.
I have often thought ADHD as her behaviours are very inconsistent.

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TheSoapyFrog · 25/08/2022 00:35

I have ADHD and it crossed my mind that your DD may be the same. My son possibly has it too. Written step by step instructions might be helpful, especially if she can tick them off when done. But not too lengthy or descriptive as that can get too overwhelming.

5zeds · 25/08/2022 00:36

If you help her she isn’t “big” with all the added responsibilities and expectations, she gets your 1:1 attention and to be cosseted. If she does it herself she’s not as fast as her sister and you rush on to the next thing.

People only change if it benefits them.

AreYouHavingABubble · 25/08/2022 00:45

oh god this could be my seven year old. She can actually do it fine but my god she’s so painfully slow. She gets distracted. She’s daydreamy and nothing is ever urgent, even if it’s something she wants to do. I have to ask her to do everything ten thousand times and it is draining. Five year old will be waiting at the door in her coat and 7 will still be wandering around in her pants…

luckily she has other qualities 😂

EmmiJay · 25/08/2022 00:45

Sounds like my DD8 who is autistic. Ask her to put on/do anything for herself and its the biggest chore or she immediately gives up and loses her shit. Getting into her soft clothes to run around in at home shes fine; does it herself no problem BUT getting ready to go out its like a huge overload and she can't focus on the task at hand. Very frustrating however I've been assured it can be a phase and they usually can develop a way to keep calm and carry on with guidance from us. Like others have said try and take your time to show them visually what needs to be done until they get confident enough to tackle it. DD has finally got the hang of tying one set of laces and thats a small victory to me. I still need to do the other set though😅

Badgerforbreakfast · 25/08/2022 00:50

This is one of the really frustrating things about ADHD because it’s not about being incapable academically. It’s about executive function. A lot of it is about being able to do something but not being able to do it. I would keep this quite close to the front of your mind at the moment and perhaps in the future push to see someone who has half a clue about ADHD in girls. In the meantime look into strategies for kids with ADHD because it can’t hurt!

Badgerforbreakfast · 25/08/2022 00:55

@AreYouHavingABubble sorry to project here but please keep your eye on this as she gets older. There are telltale signs to look out for on her report cards and if she doesn’t grow out of what you are describing now it’s worth an assessment. It’s endearing in a child but being this was as a grown woman and mother most certainly is not

Original poster

imsoverytired83 · 25/08/2022 00:56

AreYouHavingABubble · 25/08/2022 00:45

oh god this could be my seven year old. She can actually do it fine but my god she’s so painfully slow. She gets distracted. She’s daydreamy and nothing is ever urgent, even if it’s something she wants to do. I have to ask her to do everything ten thousand times and it is draining. Five year old will be waiting at the door in her coat and 7 will still be wandering around in her pants…

luckily she has other qualities 😂

Yes the same with my 5 year old.

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Original poster

imsoverytired83 · 25/08/2022 00:57

EmmiJay · 25/08/2022 00:45

Sounds like my DD8 who is autistic. Ask her to put on/do anything for herself and its the biggest chore or she immediately gives up and loses her shit. Getting into her soft clothes to run around in at home shes fine; does it herself no problem BUT getting ready to go out its like a huge overload and she can't focus on the task at hand. Very frustrating however I've been assured it can be a phase and they usually can develop a way to keep calm and carry on with guidance from us. Like others have said try and take your time to show them visually what needs to be done until they get confident enough to tackle it. DD has finally got the hang of tying one set of laces and thats a small victory to me. I still need to do the other set though😅

Thank you thats helpful. I am glad i am not alone. Didn’t get my started with laces. I was keen for her to have shoe laces for her school uniform but I think I would be asking to be late every day.

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AreYouHavingABubble · 25/08/2022 01:01

Do you know, this thread has just made me have a little look at how ADHD presents in girls and I do recognise quite a lot of the traits in my daughter. Around the inattentiveness side. School have never raised any issues right enough. She’s very bright, an exceptional reader but messy, messy handwriting (which really gets her down actually) and also I do think she can demonstrate some dyspraxia traits (I’ve often thought I’m a bit dyspraxic if I’m honest).

I’ll be keeping an eye on this.

Original poster

imsoverytired83 · 25/08/2022 01:02

Badgerforbreakfast · 25/08/2022 00:50

This is one of the really frustrating things about ADHD because it’s not about being incapable academically. It’s about executive function. A lot of it is about being able to do something but not being able to do it. I would keep this quite close to the front of your mind at the moment and perhaps in the future push to see someone who has half a clue about ADHD in girls. In the meantime look into strategies for kids with ADHD because it can’t hurt!

Thank you. I appreciate it. I have considered going privately but I am struggling to find someone with that special interest.

She can absolutely do a lot of these things. Sometimes her room is immaculate and others its like a waste paper bin has vomited all over the floor. She has had a melt down over learning her tables and then bossed it.

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SarahDippity · 25/08/2022 01:02

My DD2 was like this. She’s one of four so I could compare her with the others. She was just a slow do-er, and still (13) needs a bit of help doing things like tidying her room or sorting out clothes for laundry. She has not great motor skills eg sports, just learned to ride a bike at 12. However, she is great at school, very social with lots of friends, and is really good at art, crafts, baking and kindness. But at age 8, I was still putting on her socks for her. She still has to be slightly coached about things (her younger brother is totally task-oriented and never had to be reminded; I still say ‘teeth? Pyjamas?’ to her.) So your DD might be like mine, a slightly slow task-doer at some things but excel at others. Inside I wonder if she likes mum to do some things and that it is in part for attention, as at school and activities her executive function is absolutely fine, so she can do but that doesn’t necessarily mean she will do.

Cucumberbund · 25/08/2022 01:06

My son has Dyspraxia so struggles with this type of task. He has poor executive function and poor workimg memory. He can do it in school but the amount of concentration used causes him to be exhausted when he gets home. It's exhausting and frustrating and overwhelming for him lots of the time.

Badgerforbreakfast · 25/08/2022 01:07

@AreYouHavingABubble yes messy work/handwriting, careless mistakes, chatting in class, daydreaming in class and all these kinds of things are all the ones to look out for. Plus if you’re constantly replacing things she’s lost at school that’s a giveaway too!