To quit with nowhere to go

[Failuretolaunch28]

I know I am going to sound slightly unreasonable what with the cost of living crisis going on in the country and the fact that our household income is not potentially high however I just need some advice on what to do. I am currently working part time and my job has no scope funding wise to go full time. The pay is poor for what I am doing and the hours aren’t enough to do the job efficiently.

my children are miserable and I’m miserable, my other half is finally settled in a role that he likes and he is balancing a little side job after his work, it is basically paying him to do his hobby so it is not affecting family funds so he is happy. My issue is that my wage does not cover childcare and all the outgoings so we have been receiving support from family.

I am hoping to start building up a business but I need to put more hours in and really buckle down with so I think I should leave my oldest child in preschool as there are free hours and then keep my youngest at home.

My AIBU is should I quit as I am sick of doing a semi anxiety heightening job for rubbish pay and keep the children at home whilst concentrating on my business or should I stick it out? The main issue is we would still be in some minus with outgoings even without the children being in nursery.

The other thing is that I physically cannot face work, it gives me anxiety and makes me feel sick to my stomach every morning. I am not feeling confident enough to look and interview for other roles either especially since I know my employer make it difficult for people to leave ☹️

What do you mean ‘be in minus’?

There are two adults in the house, from either one or both your wages you should aim to cover all expenditure.

Why is partner paying for a hobby if you’re going into overdraft or borrowing from family at the end of the month?

Why is it your wage that needs to cover childcare? You share kids - don’t you share a bank account or expenses equally too?

YANBU for wanting to change your job, but as a family unit YWBU if you cut your income even more. You need to cover expenses first.

Be in minus as not able to cover all outgoings if we did not have family support or my income. I mean I could take the children out of nursery every day and continue working if someone was happy to look after them for free however it is my job that is causing me severe stress and anxiety.

I work in a lone working semi dangerous badly ran job and after all my efforts to improve it and everything the job is just soul destroying. In my role they have had 13 prior to me leave for the same reasons and this is all within 8 years.

Partner has a small business which is also a long term hobby of his. He pays for that hobby and business supplies by doing his business after his own working hours. It does not earn enough to contribute to the family bills but it does help him not have to take any money from the family pot to find it

Not intending to cause any offence here - but why is this hobby a priority over paying for the family’s basic outgoings?

Just today I had to cancel three subscriptions to several hobbies I have - whilst inexpensive, there was money going out every month that I can’t afford to waste now so I’ve cancelled the hobbies and will redirect those amounts to the food shop.

It seems like priorities aren’t clear in your family. Why isn’t your partner also concerned about who looks after the children?

Unfortunately you can’t work very effectively with small children around. Could one of you get an evening or weekend job that brings extra money in whilst the other partner looks after the kids at home?

I don’t understand this fixation with the hobby business, or you being responsible for the children on your own. Surely that’s not a fair partnership?

so my other half does a hobby which means he can host event days, takes commission etc. this requires expenses which would come out of the family pot if he didn’t run this business.

also all our money is pooled together, our outgoings are more than both of our wages which is why if we got rid of childcare we would be okay but obviously we cannot leave them at home when my work requires me to go out in the car and my other half does work from home 5 days but at a computer. If we stopped receiving family support we would be okay now but just short and if I quit and we stopped receiving anything which is the fair option that is when we would be minus.

the minus would only be in the realm of £100 to £200 but no bills we could cut.

It is my job that is causing me to feel like I want to quit and look after the children full time and build up my own business because the stress of going to work and feel like I could be followed home or if I pissed off the wrong person could set out some real problems for me in my hometown.

the organisation I work for as well is not going to improve anything either. I always discuss options and provide feedback, tell them what id love to change and nothing.

When you say there are no bills to cut I am presuming that means you have no subscription tv services, shop and cook to a strict budget, sim only phone contracts at less than £10 a month etc.

you should not have to rely on other family help. I know times are tough but you are both responsible for balancing the books.

I do sympathise about your job having had similar feelings about roles previously. I recommend leaving, however you must have lined up an evening job. This removes the cost of childcare yet continues to add into the family pot. So you can pay all your bills. It isn’t easy and a s a single parent I am about to take on a third job so I don’t have to rely on anyone else to pay my way

Can you leave your job then, be at home during the day with the kids whilst your partner works, and then you go out to work / do something from home (paid) in the evening and at weekends when he can be in charge of the children?

I support people wanting to leave jobs that are making them miserable. But you can’t just abandon a source of income with no plan B.

I’ve thought about a night job just to do until my youngest turns 3 for his free hours. I just can’t do this job anymore. Honestly I leave work and as I don’t live far think less than 1/2 hour away. I look out my mirror for cars following me home and when i am in the supermarket I am looking around frantically dreading the idea of running into someone and don’t even get me started on social media..

This sounds like it is making you paranoid (or perhaps rightly scared) in which case as several of us have suggested leave but get an evening job. Bars and card work are crying out for staff so evening work should be ok to come by

Look very carefully at your finances, plan for an increase in electric and other bills, do not assume you can get another job straight away. It may be the best thing to do, but have it properly thought through.

Are you in the U.K. - do you get all the benefits or tax credits you are entitled to?

Don’t stay in a job that’s damaging to your mental health. But don’t be unrealistic about ‘building up your business’ alongside looking after young children. We’re going into a severe economic downturn, if your business is any sort of discretionary service or goods it’s going to be hard. You need a different job if you can.

Leave the job. Focus on your business and children, if things get tighter look for another job to tide you over while building the business

Your mental health matters too. Can you look for an evening job working the checkouts in Tesco or something? You and dp work around each other?

If you are sure you can make ends meet, ie food and essentials paid if you quit, then do it. You'll presumably have a notice period to work, which will give you a few weeks to look for another job.

Alternatively, get yourself signed off sick with stress so you can get a bit of breathing space.

If you are not going to be any worse off money wise, pack in the job no matter how hard they make it, just hand in notice and leave, no job is worth giving you severe anxiety. Then take the children out of paid childcare and take time to look after your children, see if you are eligible for any benefits. Time goes really fast, before you know it, your children will be at nursery and school and you will have time to concentrate on building a business.

Thank you everyone for your kind messages. Honestly I have thought of nothing else all week even though I am genuinely off sick at the moment the thought of returning fills me with dread. Other staff have left for the same reasons as being intimidated, threatened etc. and the organisation has either no resources to fix it or they don’t know but I can’t going into work and then thinking of my children.

I took out a Hefty life insurance policy on myself in case something happened on the job and they refused to pay out. That is how paranoid I am ☹️

i’m not opposed to hard word either though. I’ve been working full time since I was 17 and I really wanted to build myself a career but since being in this role primarily my thoughts have been what for. The money I am earning doesn’t mean we don’t need support which family have chosen to provide us with are provide us with right now and that is mainly because they cannot help with childcare so i guess it eases their guilt a bit. We could get benefits if we applied for them, I just never has because in employment it seemed disingenuous to take money when I didn’t really need it even though with family having to support us in order for us to both keep working I guess we did

Semi-anxiety? Semi-dangerous?

Leave

As soon as you can
Sod feeling miserable
And sod being away from the kids too for long periods of time

I have cut my hours and cut what I spend
Used to work a lot more and i am so much happier now

Easier said than done though

Leave the job if it costing you money to be there. Apply for whatever benefits you are entitled to, don't let silly pride stand in the way, if you're struggling enough to need support from your family then you would be foolish to not apply.

If your DH's hobby is what is giving him the ability to earn and be cost neutral, then that is brilliant. Hopefully it will actually bring money in at some point in the future.

Look at your business without the rose tinted glasses. Does it really have a serious prospect for earning a decent amount in the future? Including National Insurance and money into a pension? Otherwise spend the time looking for other, more suitable work.

I have given up jobs without another to go to but that’s with the knowledge we won’t suffer too much financially.
once Was before kids and I freelanced until I actually went on stat mat leave and then didn’t go back to work until after my youngest started reception.
second was in late 2020 after first lockdown and wfh for 6 months I felt absolutely horrific about going back and handed in my notice. I did a bit of freelancing and have been in p/t work for a year. It’s been a stressful year and I’m glad of the p/t hybrid easy role.
I realise now I’ll never have a ‘career’ per se, but I put my skills to use in my role as much as I can.
My DH also started a business 12 years ago and he’s very successful now. He works very hard though.

for the record I am still looking and applying for other jobs I just cannot do this job a second longer. It is honestly making me feel sick to my stomach. I have nightmares where work is involved.. I may be having a nice dream and then next thing work is involved and I wake up thinking why is work on my mind.

as I say other people have left the role for feeling the same way and it was only a few months ago that I learnt about stuff that happened prior to me starting and I just have two small children who are my world so I don’t want anything to happen to me.

i think I’ve mentioned already but I took out income protection in case something happened to me

When I started working at 16, my Dad told me, if ever you are unhappy or not comfortable doing any job, just leave, no questions asked. I have walked out once due to somebody shouting at me. My husband said I did the right thing. I’ve told my adult sons the same, that they don’t have to put up with any work situation that they don’t like and to leave, no money is worth making you feel ill and then you are no good for your family, which is your priority.

@Mindymomo i wish my dad had raised me to be that confident. He told me you always make sure you are in employment regardless of how happy you are, earning money is what makes you happy. He started to concentrate on money excessively and it ended with his wife, my mum having an affair and the family breaking up. He focuses on money even more now because it is the one thing he can control.

I don’t want to end up like that but also I know that making myself have no income is not wise usually but I cannot imagine going back to work now.