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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Adult children, rent and cooking

12 replies

Flutterbybudget · 24/08/2022 20:31

Background - I have five children, one teenager and four adult children, all living at home with me. My ex pays child maintenance for the youngest.
I work full time, in a low paid job, and have a mortgage on our home - an extended ex council semi detached house..

I charge my adult children “rent” based on a conversation with my neighbours, who live in a similar but “unextended” version of our home. We basically compared the bills that THEY have, with my own and split the difference between my adult children (ie I pay what I would if I had a slightly smaller house, and no adult children living with me)
One of my kids (now in his 20s) pays extra to cover his food (the others sort their own out) but recently he’s being eating less at home and more eating out or just wanting food at the “wrong” time. Today, there is food in the house. When he came home from work, I asked what he wanted and he just shrugged. I wasn’t very hungry, so made myself a snack. At quarter past 8 he wants to know what’s for dinner. I’ve told him what’s here, and he’s gone back upstairs because he doesn’t want to cook at this time - but nor do I 🤷‍♀️
So, AIBU to say that from now on, I’m not catering for him. His rent will reduce to the same level as the others, and his food is his problem? (He DOES work very hard, long hours, and he’s also the first to offer extra financial help, if I am running short, it just feels too much for me to be cooking at this time of night when I’m tired myself from a long day on my feet in work)

OP posts:
Gingerkittykat · 24/08/2022 20:43

My student DD sorts out her own food most of the time, sometimes I will make a roast or something but she will know about it in advance.

I think it's completely reasonable to renegotiate things with your son. Maybe he will want to eat your food some days and his own the other days. Maybe he can have some ready or batch cooked meals in the freezer. Maybe some days he can cook for you!

SpaceshiptoMars · 24/08/2022 21:09

Yes, batch cook some of his favourites when you're less shattered. If you've got good will there, hang on to it, come in handy when you're older. No harm in mentioning that you've not got a scrap of energy left tonight though.

Mumwhocarestoomuchitwouldseem · 20/11/2022 17:46

I live in the South West. I’m
a working mum of three boys 2 of whom have left home.

I have my 20 year old living with me who has a well paid job for his age. He paid £200 per month rent, and when he got a pay rise he increased it to £300, voluntarily for which I am grateful.

His student girlfriend has now moved in and has been with us since August. She does not contribute to the household , nor has she offered. She has never even asked if it is ok to stay.

Is it in appropriate for me to expect her to help with the chores around the house, she does the bare minimum and only when I ask, never off her own back. She is here most days, having lectures on line, my kettle and coffee machine is permanently on, the additional washing is ridiculous, I even buy her toiletries for which there is no thanks.

Am I wrong to ask her to contribute to the household? My son thinks it’s inappropriate and I shouldn’t expect her to help as she’s a guest.

it’s been very difficult to gel with her as well.

lindaha · 20/11/2022 18:09

I have my 20 year old living with me who has a well paid job for his age. He paid £200 per month rent, and when he got a pay rise he increased it to £300, voluntarily for which I am grateful.
His student girlfriend has now moved in and has been with us since August. She does not contribute to the household , nor has she offered. She has never even asked if it is ok to stay.
Is it in appropriate for me to expect her to help with the chores around the house, she does the bare minimum and only when I ask, never off her own back. She is here most days, having lectures on line, my kettle and coffee machine is permanently on, the additional washing is ridiculous, I even buy her toiletries for which there is no thanks.
Am I wrong to ask her to contribute to the household? My son thinks it’s inappropriate and I shouldn’t expect her to help as she’s a guest.
it’s been very difficult to gel with her as well

eh you are a mug for allowing this in the 1st place. She and your son are both cfers and I'd be sending her packing. It is your house, grow a pair woman.

Mumwhocarestoomuchitwouldseem · 20/11/2022 18:45

The difficulty I have is my son will defend her to the hilt.

If she goes he goes, she’s not good for him, he won’t even listen to his brothers. Or do I just let him go which will break me.

mewkins · 21/11/2022 10:04

SpaceshiptoMars · 24/08/2022 21:09

Yes, batch cook some of his favourites when you're less shattered. If you've got good will there, hang on to it, come in handy when you're older. No harm in mentioning that you've not got a scrap of energy left tonight though.

I find these threads baffling. Why on earth are adult kids still expecting their mums to cook for them?!? This is nuts. You shouldn't have to keep him on side by cooking for him. You should be sitting down and working out who is cooking what on what nights. He is giving you extra money for food not paying for a personal chef/skivvy.

lifeinthehills · 21/11/2022 10:07

I don't mind cooking for grown kids who eat the same as everyone else is given. If they are fussy, then they get their own. I have one on family meals and one who takes care of themselves.

KangarooKenny · 21/11/2022 10:22

I’d make them cook for themselves if they don’t want what you are making. Although that increases energy costs.

mewkins · 21/11/2022 10:46

How do kids ever learn the skills they need to be an adult if you do everything for them?

nokidshere · 21/11/2022 15:41

I tell my adult children what I am cooking daily (for me & minded child) and ask if they want some. If they do I make enough and if they don't they sort their own food.

I buy basic food and they buy anything other than what's in the fridge. If I'm not cooking or too tired to do so they do their own. They probably end up eating food I've made for a max of 2 meals a week.

MintJulia · 21/11/2022 16:00

I can understand why you didn't want to cook. I think I'd batch cook and freeze portions of pasta sauce, shepherds pie, cassoulet etc and keep rice & pasta in the cupboard. Then your dcs can make a single meal in 15 mins and little effort whenever they want it.

WhatTeaspoon · 21/11/2022 16:42

My DS is still at home and gives me £200 per month, he is saving for a deposit on a house. I do the cooking but I don’t work and we almost always eat together with his Dad early evening. He is an emergency services worker so I have a discount card because he has named me plus he helps round the house. His GF stays one night a week and they always clear up the kitchen. He is a very good cook and sometimes cooks at the weekend.

The reason to cook food for everyone at the same time is less energy usage. If almost everyone is sorting themselves out the amount of energy usage plus just multiple pots being used must be insane. I would want a take turn to cook for everyone once a week rota in the week and then everyone sort themselves at the weekend. The only way I would be ok with all the multiple cooking was if all energy bills were split 5 ways.

Obviously I share the monetary burden with DH as I do have an income from my pension so it’s easier for me.

I am just wondering if your bills versus rent charged is fair as that’s a lot of people in a house.

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