I'm in a dilemma.

[CuriousMama]

My friend is in a domestic violence situation but it's her adult son. He's done many terrible things over the years and she hasn't reported it. Last one though was so bad she could have died.
She's talking about fleeing which means losing her job. She's in such a bad place.
I want to report this but she may deny it? I'm so scared he'll kill her one day.

Report it (and I’m being technical here, but if it’s her son it’s not domestic violence, just plain violence)

She could lose her job or lose her life
its hard because I’ve been in a DV relationship and police being called worsened it
but she needs help
ir doesn’t matter if she denies it, the CPS prosecute it not her. And it would help to created a record. I would Report

Can you just ring a shelter to ask for advice and find out what support she could get?

And yes, it’s Domestic abuse
There is help out there, but she has to want to accept it
I hope that you manage to get something sorted, but just be there for her. Let her talk to you. Reassure her that you are there for her, tell her your concerns but don’t make her feel as if she needs to hide what is happening from you. Don’t judge her.

Not true.

Legally domestic abuse if abuse from a person you are, or have been in an intimate relationship with. I deal with it as part of my job.
Im in Scotland and there’s a different legal framework for dealing with domestic abuse

Maybe in Scotland. I've just googled the definition, and the only place that I've seen define it as partners, is Police Scotland. Women's Aid, the UN, the UK government - all include abuse by family members as domestic abuse.

i used to manage women’s refuges. We classed DV as any violence between family members. One woman was in a refuge because of her late teens son. I’d support her to phone women’s aid.

I've given her the numbers already and did so before. She's just promised to ring.
He's threatening to claim she abused him as a kid if she reports him.

I’d report it and claim it was from a concerned neighbour.

Then I’d help her flee.

Can she stay at yours for the meantime?

Does she ever text or ring you when it’s happening? As the police catching him in the act would mean she can’t deny it.

What excuse did she give when she went to hospital?

I've offered to stay at mine she says he'll be round causing trouble. Another friend lives somewhere he doesn't know. She won't go there either.
She doesn't contact me at the time. No idea what she told the hospital?

Make sure she has all the information she needs to get help, from various organisations. Support her if you can and make sure she always has an escape route. But, you can't make her leave. You could make an anonymous report to police if you choose, but if she's not ready to leave, it might be pointless.

This is incorrect. It IS domestic violence if it's her son

Is it her house, or the son's? She can change the locks and get a non molestation order to keep him away. Ideally, she will talk with Women's Aid or a DA Agency to explore her options and get support to get out safely.

I daresay the son will claim childhood abuse - sadly many victims of domestic abuse get accused of being the abuser when they leave. The courts will be aware of that.

It's her house.
I'm just hoping she listens now. She has beautiful grandkids with her dd. Dd gets hassled too.

Has DD ever called the police?

I understand that they’re probably worried it’ll make things worse if they ring the police but they need to keep ringing and reporting him so they can get a restraining order put in.

Reporting before she's safe is a very bad idea. She will just deny it and he will just get worse and possibly sneaker with it. She needs to prioritise her safety first then deal with reporting it.

She is safe she isn't at home.
I hope she does ring women's aid or the police.
He's in the house she's buying and all her belongings are in there.

I'm not going to report I'll just keep supporting her as best I can.