AIBU for refusing to let my MIL babysit my daughter for the weekend?

FrenchMomM · 2022-08-24T15:06:48+00:00

DH and I are invited to a wedding near his hometown in a few weeks. The original plan was to drop our daughter (1,5) to my MIL's place for 2 days but as the event is coming closer I am strongly reconsidering this choice. My MIL and I dont get along really well, nothing serious but we really don't have the same centers of interest or views on life in general. What really bothers me is that my MIL as come to see our daughter only 3 or 4 times, and has never been alone with her (always in big family events, birthday or christmas). She moved to a new (very small) place this year, that I've never been to, nor my daughter obviously. My MIL is 62, lives alone, and has been too tired to come and see us those past months (it's a 3 hours ride). AIBU for not wanting to let my daughter there for 48 hours and thinking she should first get to know her, and care for her step by step? DH said that it made her mother really sad to not have her over the weekend. Really eager for your thoughts on this!

ANUsernam · 24/08/2022 16:12

You've known this event was coming so why haven't you/your partner made the effort to have your daughter spend time with your MIL?

Your op sounds like you expect your mil to make all the effort, if she's moved to a new place this year why haven't you all been to visit her?

lanthanum · 24/08/2022 16:12

That's a long time for a child that young with a near stranger. We looked after friends' kids for 48 hours when they were a year older than that; they knew us well but it was still a long time to be without parents.
What's your alternative? If it's a child-free wedding, will you still need to leave DD with MIL for the wedding itself?

Greensleeves · 24/08/2022 16:15

I think you've left it rather late to announce that she can't look after her, so inevitably she is going to be very upset. It's not unreasonable that you're concerned about her having her for a whole weekend when you haven't built up to it, but the onus to do that was on you and your DH. I feel sorry for your MIL in this instance - I think you're being quite unfair.

Creepymanonagoatfarm · 24/08/2022 16:19

Can she come to your home? Be much easier on dd..

Imthedamnfoolwhoshothim · 24/08/2022 16:21

Greensleeves · 24/08/2022 16:15

I think you've left it rather late to announce that she can't look after her, so inevitably she is going to be very upset. It's not unreasonable that you're concerned about her having her for a whole weekend when you haven't built up to it, but the onus to do that was on you and your DH. I feel sorry for your MIL in this instance - I think you're being quite unfair.

The MIL can feel all the feelings she wants. She doesn't matter, the child does.

Original poster

FrenchMomM · 24/08/2022 16:22

We have invited her many times to our house these past months and she did not feel well enough to come see us, though at the same time she went to visit friends, even further from her home.
I told DH that we should go for a weekend in the coming weeks, we are organizing it.

OP posts:

Creepymanonagoatfarm · 24/08/2022 16:23

Surely if she claims not to be well that is your justification for sending dd elsewhere?

TabithaTittlemouse · 24/08/2022 16:24

Go to see her. Take your dd.
Help them to build a relationship

Original poster

FrenchMomM · 24/08/2022 16:25

lanthanum · 24/08/2022 16:12

That's a long time for a child that young with a near stranger. We looked after friends' kids for 48 hours when they were a year older than that; they knew us well but it was still a long time to be without parents.
What's your alternative? If it's a child-free wedding, will you still need to leave DD with MIL for the wedding itself?

My parents could take of her, they close to our place and they see her a least once a week (often on their initiative).

OP posts:

Original poster

FrenchMomM · 24/08/2022 16:26

Creepymanonagoatfarm · 24/08/2022 16:19

Can she come to your home? Be much easier on dd..

She says she doesn't feel well enough...

OP posts:

MajorCarolDanvers · 24/08/2022 16:27

Are you looking for an excuse to get out of the wedding?

How long has it been since she saw her grandchild?

Original poster

FrenchMomM · 24/08/2022 16:28

Greensleeves · 24/08/2022 16:15

I think you've left it rather late to announce that she can't look after her, so inevitably she is going to be very upset. It's not unreasonable that you're concerned about her having her for a whole weekend when you haven't built up to it, but the onus to do that was on you and your DH. I feel sorry for your MIL in this instance - I think you're being quite unfair.

I do understand
I thought that by this time we would have found time to build a relationship.

And just to precise it was never a certainty, MIL assumed she would get to take care of DD because she knew of the wedding being near her place.

OP posts:

Original poster

FrenchMomM · 24/08/2022 16:30

Creepymanonagoatfarm · 24/08/2022 16:23

Surely if she claims not to be well that is your justification for sending dd elsewhere?

That's what I thought but it doesn't really feel ok

OP posts:

GreenManalishi · 24/08/2022 16:31

There is no way any of mine would have been ok with this at 18 months, plus the fact that anyone that is too tired to sit on a bus or train for three hours and read a book is definitely too tired to be in sole charge of a 1.5 year old they hardly know for 48 hours.

Put what is best for the child first, and work from there. If adults get offended that is their shit to work through.

WTF475878237NC · 24/08/2022 16:33

DH said that it made her mother really sad to not have her over the weekend.

^ she's an adult. Think how much sadder this toddler will be spending the weekend with someone she barely knows. It's a no from me OP.

Greensleeves · 24/08/2022 16:34

Imthedamnfoolwhoshothim · 24/08/2022 16:21

The MIL can feel all the feelings she wants. She doesn't matter, the child does.

Show quote history

I don't think anybody "doesn't matter" tbh. The child's wellbeing must be the priority, of course - nobody is disputing that, and because OP and her DH haven't put in the effort to facilitate a relationship, it looks as though she can't go there for the weekend. It's possible to acknowledge that while still pointing out that the MIL has been treated quite shabbily, and her feelings do in fact matter.

BlueReindeer · 24/08/2022 16:36

If she’s not well enough to come and visit you then no way in hell would she cope for 48hours, and your poor DD with a stranger will have an awful time. Would be a hard no from me,

Christonabike37 · 24/08/2022 16:39

God no my 15mo could never do a weekend with someone he's met a handful of times. No way would I do that. Why does it have to be so long?

Backtobacknow · 24/08/2022 16:42

I think this could've been dealt with sooner TBH. Does this mean you will not attend the wedding at all? Do let the B&G know ASAP, it's very rude to accept an invitation and then decide not to go close to the event.

arethereanyleftatall · 24/08/2022 16:48

So have you not once yet taken your dd to see her grandma in 1.5 years?

AnneLovesGilbert · 24/08/2022 16:51

Ask your parents to have her. No way your DD will be happy or comfortable with MIL and you’ll be stressed the whole time. Do what’s best for your child and yourselves. DH needs to revisit his priorities and his daughter should trump him mother.

firstmummy2019 · 24/08/2022 16:52

I would be sending her to your parents. She said she doesn't feel well enough to look after her at your house, then she isn't well enough to look after her for 2 days.

AnneLovesGilbert · 24/08/2022 16:52

arethereanyleftatall · 24/08/2022 16:48

So have you not once yet taken your dd to see her grandma in 1.5 years?

If that’s the case the responsibility lies with her son.

Calphurnia88 · 24/08/2022 16:53

Whilst I do feel a little sorry for MIL, she's being very naive not to realise it's going to be distressing for an 18mo to spend an entire weekend with a near stranger.

The fact she's too tired to visit you, but expects to be able to handle a toddler on her own for 48hrs rings alarm bells too.

I think you should arrange for your parents to have DC on this occasion, but work with MIL on how to build a better relationship with DC. I suspect from what you've said so far though this will mean you always travelling to see her.

jabbathewhat · 24/08/2022 17:02

The way you are talking it’s as if it’s a big luxury for her to have the pleasure of looking after your daughter for 48 hours…

i mean she’d be doing you a massive favour so you can go to a wedding. You are ungrateful and frankly rude - don’t ask her if you don’t feel she should do it - obviously she’s going to be upset if she thinks she’s doing it and then you in your infinite wisdom deem her unworthy.

if you are worried about the relationship, fix it. If she’s unwell to visit you, visit her. Stay in a hotel near by. If she lives on her own, she may not be up to a 3 hour drive it may be very tricky for her.

you are completely unreasonable. You shouldn’t have asked her to do it if you didn’t want her to. You’ve upset her for nothing!