Feeling very down today

[jmh740]

I work as support staff in a school back to work next Friday, I feel I've let the kids down this summer holidays we've hardly done anything.
We had a week in Scotland at fil house where we had some nice days but it was bitter sweet it will be the last time we go as the house has been sold now he died during the pandemic.
I want to take the kids out and enjoy the time but I'm so down and depressed my oh has been off work ill since Feb and money is so tight he has a lot of debts I've only just discovered. I didn't get out of bed till after 12 today I just couldn't face the day life feels so hard.
I feel like I have noone I can talk to in rl.

This sounds like a tough situation with your OH, but in terms of upcoming term/ school holidays your kids will take their attitude from you. Ask them what their favourite things you’ve done have been, and focus on that. Give them some suggestions, look through your phone photos for ideas Can you do something fun &
easy for dinner, just to get through today - add their own pizza toppings & watch a film or something?
I used to be a teacher and the end of the holidays is the worst as you are kind of dreading going back but its still a week away. Nothing too helpful to say really, just wanted to wish you all the best and a better day tomorrow 💐

Keep talking, you haven't let anyone down you are just not able to do all that you would if things were different.

Go out - this weekend is going to be nice weather - plan a "last week of summer" picnic with the kids - make it lovely with blanket, treat food, football/frisby/bucket&spade. This doesn't have to cost money and everyone can have a say in what to bring/play etc so it becomes an adventure, maybe even a family tradition.

Obviously it's Scotland - plan for sat if weather nice and shift to sunday if it rains (take jackets anyway!).

The debt stuff is a kick in the guts - you know what you have to do - get help with managing it (stepchange etc), get a plan in place and tough it out, you will get through it and a lot of the UK are going to be in the same boat very shortly. It's crap that he didn't tell you, he needs to know that and get a grip because secret debt can't be dealt with - hopefully it is just a blip.

Lostthetastefordahlias Scottish schools went back from last week (and this week) depending whereabouts in the country.

Can you afford to get to the beach or the woods? muscle up all of the strength to pack some sandwiches and just get out for the day, it does make u feel better? sorry you are not feeling great right now.

Thanks were not in Scotland now were in Lancashire dd is going to her friends for the weekend so I'm hoping I can spend some time with ds 1:1 he doesn't really like going out though I suspect he is on the spectrum.
I just feel like were in limbo oh ssp has run out so not sure what were now entitled too spent practically the last of our saving buying school uniforms.
Weve spent most of our married lives struggling the last 5 years it felt like we were finally getting somewhere and now the future feels very bleak again.

Sorry I misunderstood and your update changes things considerably. You are a carer and need support tailored to that.

Is your DH considered disabled?

Has your ds been assessed?

Get over here for some support https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/special_needs_chat you need a bit of goose and carrot in your life and there will be funding help you can get tapped into hopefully.

Thanks dh is considered disabled he has MS and is in a bad relapse at the minute.
Ds has not been assessed I work in school with asd children and see a lot of traits in him he thrives on routine and structure he doesn't like changes to plans, there is a local food festival at the weekend I'm hoping to bribe him to come out with the idea of tasty goodies.
I just feel a bit of a failure and very overwhelmed today, I will have a look on the sn threads

I feel the same, like I've let my son down because we haven't been anywhere or done anything. But I remind myself that it was similar to when I was young, I don't resent my parents (very much the opposite) and I turned out fine so one summer is fine.

Plan things for half term if you can. Kids need you and your time, not things.

Don't be too hard on yourself x

I’m sorry you’ve got so much piled on you atm, it sounds really tough. You’ve not let anyone down at all.
Is your DH claiming everything he’s entitled to ? Could you contact MS UK www.mssociety.org.uk as they often have benefits advisors who can help you.
I don’t know if lancashirewomen.org/get-support/money-advice could help you, maybe roll debt into one, I think they’re interest free or low interest ( sorry not my area of expertise but maybe a starting point)
Please look after yourself, see your GP to talk things over.

Don't under estimate the slow creeping depression of living with a partners long term illness, the restrictions it places on your life, and the financial worries. Its huge. You're doing the job of two while not having the freedom from worry you'd have if you were single. Be kind to yourself. Your situation is hard. You've given your DC a holiday, less bitter sweet for them than for you I'm sure, as they will have just had fun. That's more than a lot of children will have had. Now they're chilling at home. I assume they have food, comfort, toys? Honestly, that's enough. If you think you'll feel better for it, plan some low key activities, walks, board games, film night. Just please stop feeling guilty. You work with children, you know how lucky and well cared for yours are compared to many.

In Scotland there has been a bit of extra respite funding for carers over the pandemic, it isn't much but a bit of help and is being distributed via local carer support charities and councils. It isn't well publicised so has been accessed by being registered with all the right networks and hearing about little bits of funding as they come up.

I don't know how the system works in Lancashire - you need a local on the ground who is plugged into the network. That maybe local grass roots charities, social work, or maybe via your school employer or citizens advice perhaps. If you haven't already done so get a carers assessment via social work. Your children also count as young carers so there may be support available there too and that will give you all some help and ease your (misplaced) guilt a bit.

Get on to your GP, make sure you and the children are registered with them as carers, see if the practice has a community liaison type who can help with accessing support or if the practice nurses or health visitors know of a good route to access support. Does your DH have an OT or physio who can be flagging up support that may be relevant? Can he help with this or is it too much for him? There is a lot of random funding out there to be hunted down and accessed but it is a very time and energy consuming process so if he can trawl and fill out forms it would free up your time to do the day to day marathon running. Ask, email them and ask everyone - do a quick summation of the situation to send so you don't exhaust yourself telling it over and over. You need to raise awareness on the grapevine so when something comes up you get a call or newsletter telling you to apply.

I am not in any way suggesting there is a magic wand out there, just frustrated by the way support is distributed in an almost covert fashion that makes it difficult to access without finding the right professional or route and of course it is different across the UK so a bit of a postcode lotto. A lot of the support available is in the form of counselling/classes/excursions/training etc rather than cold hard cash but that may help take some of the weight off of your shoulders and there may be some really fun stuff for the kids (and you and DH) that won't cost anything. There has been a big shift to online access to training and to social stuff which is much easier for those of us stuck at home too.

Hoping for a better day for you today @jmh740

Just wanted to echo what @5128gap has said, the slow creep of depression is a great way to describe it! I'm in a similar boat, and have started sessions with a counsellor through my workplace scheme, and my sil has helpfully pointed out that maybe anti depressants would help at this point (I only gave her a rough overview and she can see it's only going to be a slow slog through and that's a best case!),

Kids remember weird stuff for holidays, not the camping trip, they remember the giant marshmallows, not canoeing, but mum falling in , and for some strange reason dead birds feature highly! It's not a spending money thing, but I understand how absolutely draining it is just managing, and you're not alone.