Passive people always seeking advice

[Singingloudforalltohear]

Does anyone else notice a trend of people asking for advice about how to stop relatives/friends/random cheeky fuckers brom doing x, y or z.

The story is always the same. CF wants me to do (insert totally unreasonable thing) and I don't want to. I do I say no. Or how do I get them to stop.

The answer is always the same. Politely and firmly say no. Nip it in the bud.

The problem seems to be that some people are so passive that they want these things to stop without them having to say anything. They want the other person to magically stop - admittedly to stop doing something unreasonable - but it's often the case that the OP simply hasn't said NO. (not that they've said no and they person persists which is a different scenario and I can sort of see how people might seek advice in that scenario)

It's not often for nuanced advice about how to go about it - it's that they act like they're totally at a loss as to how to stop it when they've not yet tried a simple no.

I know lots of people don't like confrontation etc but am I unreasonable to think that grown adults should be able to see that this is what they need to do?

Passive or avoidant people are so frustrating. They must be exhausted with the knots they seem to tie themselves in.

I think sometimes people do know what the answer is, and have every intention to carry out what needs to be done, but may feel like they need a bit of validation or emotional support before doing so. I suppose they see MN as a good place to do that and to vent to some anonymous strangers which may be easier than talking to someone IRL. That said, maybe it sometimes isn't the best place considering the advice is very often, and without context "DUMP THE BASTARD"!

It's validation. Some people have been gaslighted or conditioned by society to be a smiling, compliant woman, so sometimes saying no feels like the hardest and most selfish thing to do.

I agree JenGin - I completely see that and there are lots of posters who are galvanised by that advice and support who go on to act.

But the category I'm talking about simply don't - they tie themselves in knots rather than going for the very simply action even when they've been backed up.

I don't mean extreme things like LTB. I mean just saying no to everyday CF requests.

I'm not passive or avoidant but even I am left open mouthed at some people's behaviour. There's a line between people who accept you're busy, can't talk etc and those who steamroller through life ignoring all signs. They are the ones I am 😮at.

IMO Passive people rarely look for advice, they’re looking for permission.

IME they know what they have to do, and are testing out the water, and mustering up the courage to step out of their comfort zone.

I tent not to bother much now with those “Oh, oh, oh, what shall I do” threads, and find myself stepping away from the chocolate teapot ditherers in real life also! Simples

@Singingloudforalltohear have a look at this style quiz media.studycollaboration.com/pdfs/4-Conflict_Resolution_Activity.pdf to see what your communication style is.. my guess is that you’re a fox or a shark.
i have a fox style... with a little sympathy for turtles and teddy bears, but limited patience for dithering.

Linky media.studycollaboration.com/pdfs/4-Conflict_Resolution_Activity.pdf

No clue but it's entertainment. I'm agog at how such weak people stumble through life. How the hell do you, I dunno, drive or get a mortgage when you're too terrified to tell a friend you can't attend their BBQ on Saturday or tell a child to stop ripping chunks of your hair out?

I agree. So many people say I’m a people pleaser and I can’t say no. They are just wet blankets. If you don’t stick up for yourself why should anyone else respect you?

I agree, and I'm afraid it irritates me no end.

And then on the flip side you get posts from people saying X has annoyed me and I was clear and honest with them - and then people accuse them of trolling?! Like it's so alien to them that someone would actually stand up for themselves!

It’s all very well to stoutly say the MN favourites, “No.” or “That doesn’t work for me.” Or even, “Did you mean to be so rude?” in theory . But life isn’t like that, and thwarting a family member can cause quarrels or rifts, or often people don’t have a massive amount of friends, so saying no to a schoolgate mum, even a CF one, is knowing it’s goodbye to your only acquaintance at pick-up time.

Dh used to be the ultimate CF victim. They could sniff him out from miles away. For some reason the people-pleasing worm turned when he hit 50 and he actually uttered,“That doesn’t work for me” to someone trying to take advantage. So perhaps everyone reaches last straw point in the end.

Yeah they're just martyrs. End up putting up with allsorts just because they're afraid of saying no, offending someone.. they make life hard for themselves.

I think a lot of people are looking for validation.

Trouble is women are socialised from birth to accommodate, especially to accommodate men. After all, look at the backlash when we don't!

And all the worry about being sued or actions being illegal! Like the one about the CFs who put a door and furniture out to the garage roof. No they really aren't going to sue you if you remove their stuff. No you don't need to "do torts" 🤔Either be firm and clear or just put up with it. Your choice (I say that as someone with neighbours who have early builders in. I've chosen to put up with it and moved on).

I think some of these people don’t want to have to agree but don’t want to be the “bad guy”. In real life lot of these people have great relationships with people because they never say no but secretly seethe.

There is something sneaky/cowardly about it that o just can’t respect!

They say they are people pleasers but as a person I just find it annoying, not pleasing. And a bit dishonest as PP said.

Yes, but… often the person you’ve said no to makes you the bad guy and can’t see that they are unreasonable. Most people don’t accept the first No, so then one is in the position of repeatedly having to reiterate a negative response whilst they come up with reasons/begging etc, which after you’ve still said no leaves you looking hard and unhelpful.

Also in many scenarios people get you on the hop, eg “Hi there! What are you doing on Saturday?” “Nothing really, why?” “Good, so can you look after Harry and Harriet for the day; we’ll pick them up in the evening sometime - it’ll be fun for the kids to play together!”

And OP is left dithering about how she can backtrack…