Too generous or taken advantage of?

[Itsjustlife]

I find it difficult to talk to anyone about my issues so i wanted to post on here to get a broad spectrum of views.
So my partner of 16 years gave up work when our child was born and i agreed to take on all the bills, mortgage, car costs and treats (takeaways, restaurants etc). Happy to do this as its benefitted our child.
My partner returned to work 12 months ago after 4 years. I have still paid all the above and I'm left with not a huge amount of disposable income, however have received no contributions from my partner so they have a larger disposable income.
A few weeks ago we went on holiday with my family, they paid for the holiday and I paid for dinners and drinks. My partner didn't spend anything.
With the cost of living crisis descending I'm feeling very resentful for the constant paying out... am I being unreasonable? I have tried to raise this a few times but it becomes an argument and I never win.
I do understand I agreed to this originally

OP, he is a cocklodger!

Thank God you haven't married him.

Dump him today and kick him out.

And presumably you didn't agree to support him when he got a job?!

Why the assumptions that OP is female and partner is male? Surely the more likely scenario is the reverse?

I do understand I agreed to this originally

But this wasn’t what you agreed to, OP - fair enough while one partner is a SAHP, but if they’re earning now they need to contribute. What possible excuse does your partner have for not doing so when you bring it up with them?!

Did your partner have any disposable income whilst they were not working? You've said you paid all the bills, but not mentioned giving them any money to spend themselves.

How does the argument go?

Also, is there a significant difference in your incomes? Presumably there is if your partner has had such a long time out of work… could it be that they’re trying to amass some savings (which would potentially be understandable if all family savings are held by you?) In any case an open discussion is needed.

I can totally understand why you paid for bills and mortgage whilst he was staying at home looking after child but what I cannot understand is why you both didn’t agree on him paying a contribution for when he returns to work
You agreed to pay these bills whilst he was at home with your child but surely once he went back to work it would of made sense for him to now start paying towards these bills
You are not in the wrong and should speak to him tonight about your incomes and split the bills accordingly

The situation has ch, therefore now needs to contribute. Does he really think he can live off you/for free?!

Where is everyone getting it from that the partner is male? OP has specifically not mentioned this at all

They could be a same sex couple for all anyone knows. Not that it makes any difference to the problem, what the sex of the couple is.

@Meraas curious to know if you would give the same advice if OP is a man posting about their female partner? As they haven't actually said either way (not being goady, just genuinely wanted to know)

Despite not being married we treat all income as joint family income and all outgoings the same way. Is there a specific reason you don't?

Your partner should of course be contributing. We’ve always just shared all money, when both of us were working or when I’ve been a SAHM. You need to talk to your partner, don’t stand to be taken advantage of.

99% of cocklodgers on MN are men, but my advice is the same about fannylodgers..

Oh yes absolutely. S/he is working and both should have equal disposable income.

It depends. Did you give your partner money for their own spends over the 4 years / make sure they had reasonable access for their own needs? If yes then YANBU. If all you did is pay the bills leaving them penniless then YABU.

All the money was pooled or they lived like a child?

If you have a child together, why are you not pooling all your finances into one family unit account?

And how have you let it go for this long without saying anything?

The not paying for anything on holiday is just bloody rude.

You need to sit down and have 'the chat' ASAP. Yes, you are being taken advantage of but you seem to have accepted this as the status quo. If you don't speak up, they may assume you're happy with it.

You are right. I actually said he in my post too. It is unfair that we assumed it was a man being spoken about and need to do better

Looking back at OP’s post I have seen he is male and talking about his wife

OP, I can see you have had upset feelings about this in January this year too. It is unfair that you are taken advantage of like this.

Me and my DH are ttc after a loss but once we get pregnant and have a baby I will be SAHM. His wage will cover most of the bills and mortgage and I will use any maternity pay to live off and contribute as much as I can. Once I would eventually go back to work I’d pay my share again. It makes sense to me. I’m sure my DH would be upset if I expected him to pay all the bills whilst I was earning a wage

Does not matter what gender the other person is they should be paying their way. That is crazy that they are working and not paying towards anything.

Of course they should be contributing to the household - regardless of whether they are male or female.

Oh my god. What have I just read?

Your partner is a complete sponger. Regardless of whether they are a Cocklodger OR a fanny lodger.

This seems extremely unfair and needs discussing.

I can't believe they haven't even offered!

@Essexgalttc

Looking back at OP’s post I have seen he is male and talking about his wife

Er, where? OP has been very careful to use ‘they’ throughout.

Right away these comments have made assumptions about gender and that's not required.

I'd be having a frank conversation with your DP and explain it's great they've got a job but perhaps now is the time to start contributing.

What is the salary split between you two? Perhaps the split should be based on salary for fairness.

It sounds like they've taken advantage a bit however think how much child care costs would have been so that should be taken into consideration.

An old post by OP not this one