AIBU for wanting to switch roles with my partner?

[Pikachuuu]

When my partner and I first got together (10+ years ago) he had a very successful business and I worked in a mid level corporate job. We talked all the time about having a family and were both on the same page about me staying at home to raise the kids.

I am not a career/money-driven person, but I somehow ended up climbing the career ladder into a super stressful senior manager position (which I hate) and now I’m on a very well paid salary which can support both of us comfortably.

During this same period my partner’s business failed and he has been “self employed” for the past few years, finding ways to make bits of money here and there, but he isn’t looking or interested in finding a new career, and I am the reluctant breadwinner.

We have recently had a child and I am soon to return to work from maternity leave. I would happily change our standard of living so I can be a SAHM and raise my son and take care of the household (which I’ve said from day 1 I don’t want to be a career mum, I want to spend time with my kids the way my mum did growing up - she was a single mum on benefits and I had the best childhood, not because of money but because of the time we spent together)

Money isn’t everything to me but my partner has a different world view and since his earning potential is roughly half of mine, we won’t have the same financial opportunities unless I stayed at work and he looked after the home.

He does his bit around the house currently, cooking, cleaning, etc but that’s the role I wanted to have in our family. I’m not a ‘tradwife’ in any sense but I never intended to have this type of corporate lifestyle and I don’t want to continue like this. I also feel mean for saying this, but I just find his whole demeanour less attractive. He used to be very accomplished and goal driven and now he spends most of his time watching TV and it bothers me that I spend my free time stressing about work and he’s watching bloody pretend cowboys.

AIBU to tell my partner to get a steady income and support us so I can quit my job and be a SATH mum?

I've voted YABU I think because of the question "AIBU to tell my partner to get a steady income and support us so I can quit my job".

I don't think YABU to yearn for more time with your child, but I think you both need to have some serious conversations about where you are going as a family, and what you both want in terms of the age old "time vs money" balance.
Surely there is some compromise to be had here ?

I also think that you should give it a little bit of time to settle in to the routine of working when you have a child. Lots of people dread the idea of going back after a long time out of work but then surprise themselves to find that once you are in routine, it isn't anywhere near as bad as you were expecting.

You would be unreasonable to tell him to get a job and support you both whilst you are a SAHM. You both want less stress I am guessing.
BUT, ya def not bu to insist he get a job, any job, to make a financial contribution so that you can fulfil your parenting wishes. Which may be both of working and sharing childcare.
For me personally, nothing against the set up per se, but for me, I would never leave myself vulnerable to this set up where he is SAHP. If you split you could end up working a job you hate paying him maintenance. He needs to get a job, you are unhappy and better or worse he needs to contribute to your happiness .

It doesn't seem fair to swap, and put your DH in the position that you hate so much. Have you considered if there is any middle ground? Can you drop your hours and your DH get a job that is less than full time hours so you can both share both the financial burden and childcare? This is what we did when DC were small and it worked really well.

Can you both work? Maybe in a less stressful position, dropping hours.

Totally this. Neither should have to be at home all the time, not in a job they hate for lots of hours a day.

He had his own business however is admittedly not very employable. He’s never actually worked for anyone else before and has no qualifications, so his job prospects are pretty dire.

But the way I see it, if he starts a new career, learns a trade… anything really, he could earn a decent wage in the next few years. But right now it would be minimum wage. I am currently on 80k+ bonuses, and while he and others proclaim how lucky I am I certainly don’t feel lucky, or happy. It’s pretty much a 60hr week, and unfortunately if I reduced to part time hours I’d still have to do the same amount of work but in even less time.

He thinks I should stay in my job because the money is too big to pass up. But as I mentioned before, I really couldn’t care less about living in a smaller house, not having a fancy car etc. I also don’t think our son will care about material things and would rather have a mum who is present and not depressed vs a high flyer who is constantly in meetings and under immense pressure.

I think you could both aim to work part time or in less stressful roles, so that you share the responsibility for earning equally between you. I think YABU to expect your partner to be the sole breadwinner while you become a SAHP.

Yanbu to want a less stressful and more engaging job.

Yanbu to want dh to find work and contribute financially.

Yabu to want to be a sahm when you are the sole breadwinner. You can be a great Mum and still work. Possibly not in the role you have now, though.

What does dh say when you explain that you are miserable and resentful?

Well that's the situation now but he's is the stay at home parent. It's time he liked his weight financially. You're supposed to be a team.

pulled his weight!

I think a lot of men with stay at home wives could have written your OP. It’s an aside but I’m always struck by how many women on here insist their husband has it made, being able to focus only on work while they do everything at home. This is the other side of the story - the pressure of being the sole earner, the lack of time with the kids, the stress…. For me the ideal is both parents working on reduced hours. I understand why that’s tricky for you as you have gone so far down the routes you’re both in that it will take some unpicking. It will also require him to be on board. Unfortunately he sounds like a lot of the SAHPs on here (admittedly usually female) who are quite happy to overlook the stress and misery their working partner is dealing with as long as they don’t have to miss time with the kids or provide financially. I feel for you OP and if I were you I would be putting my foot down to insist he gets a job, while stepping up myself domestically to facilitate that, and making a concrete plan towards reducing outgoings to enable me to step down into a less well paid but less stressful job. I would absolutely not be prepared to work myself into the ground to enable my partner not to work. I would also never expect my partner to support me financially so I didn’t work, unless we were both 100% on board with that set up. YANBU.

OP, I think I get what you're saying.

When you got married it was on the understanding that you would look after the family and he would be the breadwinner and this still suits your personality and outlook on life.

The problem is, his circumstances seem to have changed, and quite dramatically from what you're describing. Unfortunately you can't plan things like this in life.

You are in a lucky position in that you are obviously capable and you've managed to fill the gap financially.

The way I see it, you need to work as a team - sometimes things are better for one partner, sometimes for the other partner, and both of you need to suck it up because this is for the best for you as a family unit.

It seems that the situation now is getting unbalanced though because you're facing returning to a demanding job and being a mother in a way you haven't prepared for. It's tough to juggle even if you wanted to do this all along (from experience), and must be much harder if you didn't want it in the first place as resentment will eat you up.

In a senior position it's often not easy or possible to just cut down the hours like some posters suggest. I would end up working full time anyway, exactly as you describe. So I chose compressed hours instead, full time in 4 days, and I get a day for my DC. This works well. Could you consider this to begin with?

Then ultimately I think the answer is you need to get yourself back to a mid-level position or an admin position on a part-time basis in a different company, or become self-employed if you want more freedom and time for DC and a less stressful life. And your DH needs to do the same so you meet halfway. There are so many vacancies at the moment that don't require much experience or university education there is no excuse, and many of them are shift work so he could start now working around your hours and then gradually working his way up so you're in a comparable position financially when you switch to a less demanding role.

Good luck!

OP I am with you on this. Recently I've turned down a really well paid job with excellent benefits because I want to stay home with my two little ones (1 year old and 2 year old). It was a tough decision but I'd rather have less material things and less stress and more time with my kids. Luckily my husband has his own business and can support us. But I know people think I'm mad to do it when I have hood earning potential and there's an economic crisis.
I think in your case, you always wanted to be a SAHM so it shouldn't be a surprise to your other half and he shouldn't take that attitude about your earning potential. Just because you can earn that kind of money, doesn't mean you should have to and he shouldnt be putting that pressure on you. I think you can reach a compromise. Or he could set up a new business and maybe you could do some work for him to help him out? I wish you luck an hope you find a solution that works for everyone.

I think the mistake you made was not sorting this out before you had a child. Are you really going to be happy being a SAHM living off his minimum wage job? That's going to be a huge change in lifestyle from your current position surely? Would you even be able to survive on that? I don't know what the answer is but I suspect it's too late to do very much about it tbh.

I think even with you both on the same page before children, either if you could have found the role you really wanted, not working when reality sets in. So even if he was the higher earning one and you were in his shoes, it's very possible that once the baby came along he wanted to be home with his child more too.

He wasn't in a decent paid position when you've both chosen to have a child and if he hasn't been motivated enough to start learning a trade or starting a new career while you were pregnant and during your maternity I doubt he will now so I'd try and plan your future based on that, there should always be two way communication and willingness to adapt because people can and do change their minds about the role they though they really wanted, but bitterness and resentment can set in and relationships fail when one person changes their mind and isn't happy. There's lots of people reassess their lives over the last few years after losing businesses and lockdowns and I've seen very similar threads with secession reversed, or from women complaining their husband is home more and want him back in the office full time instead of WFH.

If you love him and want to stay with him then you need to come up with a solution that allows you both more time at home, maybe you could also switch careers to a more family friendly one? Or go part time if possible? How has maternity leave been as a family? Have you actually enjoyed spending more time with your partner and baby as a family and want more if that, or just more of one on one with the baby?

With the cost of living stuff at the moment the life of a single mum on benefits may very well not give your child the happy memories you have and I imagine your mum found it very hard at times but shielded you from that. I know mine did and when I look back to my childhood now I see lots of clues to how shit things were for her, and as I got older I started realising how shit things were, she couldn't win at times either, I've heard with my own ears neighbours calling her a scrounged when she wasn't working and retaining and starting her own business, a shit neglectful mum for not being home when we came from school.

So for that reason I think, if you genuinely think you both can't compromise and you don't want to retrain or go part time, I'd maybe start thinking about what life as a single mum on benefits with the current cost of living would look like, and if you'd work part time or retrain to avoid that as a single mum i would at least give it a go and do that as a family first.

I hope you can find something that works for you all.

I don’t think you can give up work and expect him to start from
scratch and then support you, no. Your life has changed from when you had those discussions.
YANBU though to try to find a compromise which works for the family and to expect him to play a part, for example could you downsize your house, or relocate, so you can go part time/ change role? And in the meantime he gets a job or finds another way to contribute to the family finances. You shouldn’t be entitled to live off him but nor is he entitled to live off you if you don’t agree to it.

Thank you all for the kind words and advice, I do really appreciate it.

Id been quite accommodating after DH’s business wound down as it was very difficult for him and was a low point for all of us. He had a major identity crisis as that’s all he’d ever done. So I wanted him to have time to reevaluate and come up with a new plan/venture.

Sadly that didn’t materialise and as years passed it seems he just got comfortable not working and developed an unhealthy relationship with Netflix, which is uncharacteristic of the man I married. He used to take pride in his work, and genuinely enjoyed it. (Something I have never mastered, probably because I’m in the wrong career for my personally type.) This is why we were on the same page about work/SAHP, it was a scenario that both of us were happy with. Now the reverse has happened and while I don’t think he enjoys not working, he’s gone this far that I think he’s lost all self esteem.

This was all manageable when it was the two of us, but I will be putting my foot down about him getting secure work now our son is here.

I never intended to be a working mum, especially since the industry I work in isn’t parent-friendly at all, so I will almost certainly have to do a career switch if I decide to leave my current role, as I know it’s incompatible with raising children (and just general work:life balance) but I will see what happens when I go back.

thanks everyone xx

You need to find a job with a better work/life balance. He needs to find a job.

You chose to have a baby while he was essentially unemployed so I'm not sure you can expect him to become the breadwinner immediately.

My thoughts:

• go back to work for a year. See if you still hate it when your child is a tantrumming toddler
• if you still hate it, get a different (lower stress) job
• insist your husband retrains and gets a job

Bear in mind we are in the midst of a cost of living crisis which has no prospect of improving; living on his minimum wage salary is likely to be more stressful than your current job.

Yes apologies I don’t think I was clear, I’m not expecting to quit right away and for us all to survive on a minimum wage salary what I meant was if he got a job now it would be low pay to begin with but he could work his way up to something steady with the intention that I could eventually be a SATM. (Although judging from the poll this sounds like it might be an unreasonable plan after alll!)

Well I think it's weighing up whether it really is the best option for you and your family to be a SAHM when you have an earning potential of £80k+ already. It's of course a matter of personal choice, you need to be comfortable with that decision. Of course you can't put a price on being with your DC. But it is also true the current crisis won't go away fast, the recession is around the corner if not already here. And few years down the line, and then a few more again, you might sit down and think, actually life would have been so much easier and better for my DC and all of us if we had savings towards his uni/house/wedding, whatever that might be. It's impossible to know and choose right or wrong here you know, it's not black or white. I'm just saying to weigh up the pros and cons well when you come to your decision.

And I will say this absolutely agree with pp, your job, current or future may prove to be a blessing when your DC is a tad older. It is rather delightful to be able to have a hot cuppa in peace and eat your lunch in the office instead of rushing all day long vooking, cleaning, tidying up and being totally exhausted. That's my POV, of course. But don't be overly negative before coming back, it's anxiety-inducing, but you may enjoy it more than you think now. xx

I think as PP above have said that you are in a good position in your Career at present.Obv nothing can be the same as being with DD full time if thats what you want.However money issues can cause problems in the best of RL .Long term your DD will benefit in terms of Schooling /Holidays general quality of life.Its good that you had a nice life with your Mum who managed on benefits .Its a bit different now though and SP often struggle .Maybe a PT job each might be better .Lots of women want to stay at home but its difficult at the moment with the cost of living going through the roof.

Hahaha if he has a different world view and needs more money he can go get a better job can’t he?
shouldn’t he have been planning that for the last few years since it’s so important to him and you’d been clear about your future plans

no YANBU