Family holiday fall out

[sofap]

NC for this

At the beginning of the year, MIL said that she wanted to take us on a family holiday abroad (me, DH, SIL, MIL and FIL). We hadn't gone away properly since before covid and everyone had been saving. She said she would find somewhere, book it, and we would all pay for our share. She suggested it in february and we decided on dates so everyone could book off work...decided on 26th Aug-5th Sept. 2 days time!!!!!!!

Over the last few months she's been showing us potential places, enquiring about prices but nothing stuck for too long, we'd ask how it was going and she would say "oh that place didn't work out, now i'm looking at a different country". This happened so many times, there would be an excuse why nothing could be booked such as "oh I left it too late and now they're fully booked" or "it wasn't close enough to the beach" etc.

She kept putting it off and we were offering to help find somewhere so she didn't have that burden but nope she wanted to do it all on her own... Fast forward to the beginning of this month (August) and we asked why nothing had been booked yet as we were due to leave really soon. She said she was waiting until the week before we go to get some last minute bargains.

Then it was the week before we go (last week) she says that FIL wasn't sure if he would come (the stress of flying and going away would be too much for him) so maybe we would go without him. But still nothing was booked.

DH and I privately started looking at last minute deals for ourselves because we didn't think MIL was going to book anything, and we are both desperate for a holiday as he doesn't get much time off throughout the year.

Then yesterday, MIL said to over text that she's decided we aren't going abroad because FIL can't handle it and she doesn't want to leave him home alone. DH said that's fine, and then explained that we want to still go abroad because he has booked the time off and we have saved the money to go abroad.

Cue massive row. She says that she wants to go on a UK beach holiday so that FIL can come, and we are incredibly selfish and closed-minded for leaving them behind while we "swan off into the sun".

DH said that we will go abroad for 6 days and then time meet them for 4 days in the place they're staying in the UK, so there is a compromise as we are holidaying abroad, and still spending time with them. Nope we aren't allowed to do that either.

I want to add 2 more things - Firstly that it would not have been a money issue as to why she was putting it off. Secondly, in 6 weeks time MIL and SIL are going abroad to visit family (spending 2 days with family and then 5 days on the beach in a posh hotel) so they are having a holiday then without FIL but disguising it as visiting family.

Now we are a bit stuck because we don't know what to do. We've found a place abroad we'd like to go with a last minute deal but want to know if we are being selfish and closed-minded by going when the original plan was to go with everyone? I don't want to upset anyone but also MIL has been stringing us on for months making us think we're all going on a nice hot holiday together which we got excited about, saved up and booked time off so now we want to go. And we have compromised by saying we will go for 6 and then spend 4 with them. I don't know what else we can suggest?

Having tried to find accommodation here in the UK for a few nights over the same time as your dates, I would be surprised if MiL finds anywhere now. Glad you will be booking it, go for the 10 days.

Don't be bullied by MIL, they are being entirely unreasonable. You're not being selfish in the slightest.

As you said, you've been strung along for months with plans of going abroad, you've not been abroad since pre-covid and MIL & SIL are off abroad soon anyway so they're not missing out in the way they say they are.

Put your own family first and go abroad, OP.

They've messed you about enough and I doubt you'd be able to enjoy the |UK beach holiday anyway now as it will feel like a massive disappointment. I love a UK holiday but it's not what you agreed to!

I'd be ignoring their calls/messages and booking a holiday.

DH said that we will go abroad for 6 days and then time meet them for 4 days in the place they're staying in the UK, so there is a compromise as we are holidaying abroad, and still spending time with them

That's the sort of compromise I was going to suggest, except you'd got there first, and if even this isn't acceptable to her I really wouldn't bother about it any further

I'd also take it as a warning sign about any future suggested holidays together if this is the level of control she expects, and here's hoping you have a lovely time on what you're booking

Book for 10 days in the sun, she has strung this out too long, she seems the sort to get the hump whatever you decide to do so may as well go for it.

She has had plenty of time and opportunity to book, you snooze you loose.

Fuck them. And go for the whole 10 days. It would have been helpful over this last year for you or have the holiday booked in and something to hold onto.

she is going on a posh holiday without FIL, just remind her if she says that, but seriously go for the whole time off, forget meeting in the U.K. she can cancel her holiday abroad if she wants.

MIL sounds like a nightmare. And very controlling. She and SIL are having a holiday aboard but you can’t?
I would totally ignore her and book the holiday you have found. And don’t visit with them for 4 days. She’s had all year to book and has just mucked about. You are entitled to your holiday so have one. You are adults, what’s she going to do? Apart from have a massive sulk, at which I would just laugh at her and tell her not to be so silly.

Book it! How the hell she thinks she’ll find somewhere remotely nice in the UK at such short notice is beyond me anyway. My money is on her staying at home. Either that or the UK place will be awful so you’re best off out of it.
TBH I’d have pulled the plug and booked something alone months ago!

Go abroad and have a lovely holiday. It’s nice that your DH has offered to compromise and cut short the holiday abroad that you’ve both been looking forward to but honestly I’d even reduce it down to a couple of days if he really feels obliged to spend some time with them. They should have told you much sooner if there was a change of plan.

it sounds like there would be an atmosphere now anyway even if you did decide to go with them in the UK.

I was thinking people were gonna tell me we were being selfish because she had asked us on a holiday first.

but she didn't do any of the actual work

booking it
paying it
sticking to what you agreed

basically, you allowed her to have control over where you (grown adults) were "allowed" to holiday or not...
this is mad!

I’d also book for the full 10days away and enjoy some really relaxing family time away🌸

You ARE allowed OP

All of Mumsnet has given you permission

Have great time!

This!!

I can't believe the hold she had over you!!

Go on your longer 10 day holiday abroad - you'll probably need that time to decompress from all this!

I hope you have a lovely time 🏖

What strange family dynamics.
Just go.
I fear for her expectations of you as she gets older.

Have a lovely holiday. Your MIL’s behaviour isn’t normal or rational in any way, sounds like she’s trained you both to do whatever she says or feel frightened she’ll be angry. Might be worth doing some research on techniques to recognise and manage that when you get back.

You are a much nicer person than me. I would not have offered a compromise by this stage, as I would have already booked something ages as I could not have coped with the stress of not knowing what we were doing until a week before we were meant to go

Bloody hell, go for 10 nights and forget the compromise. She’s a CF!

I'd have had a stress-induced heart attack by now. I like everything booked at least 9 months in advance, if not a year+.

Go where you want to go. I wouldn't bother coming back early to spend time with someone in a grump with me either.

I suspect your MIL has her eye on some big beachside house and was banking on you stumping up 40% of the cost, and that’s why she’s guilt tripping you now.

If you were to go on any part of their holiday I wouldn’t be surprised if she charges you for the full 10 days. I would be inclined to tell them to do their own thing without you, and you could maybe look at a family get-together another time.

Family holiday have scope for being wonderful or very stressy.

Of course, if you are paying and using your precious annual leave, you should do what works for you. I would go away for full 10 days and suggest a weekend some time for everyone so you don't mind so much if it falls through. The problem with the 6 day/4 day thing might be that they have to book a bigger place for the whole time so it costs more.

Have a great holiday, don't allow unreasonable people to treat you like a doormat and make you feel guilty!

Go abroad for 10 days.

How old are you OP and do you have any DC?

When I was younger I used to be walked all over by my controlling MIL, who they are all scared of, and I have vented on here many times over the years.

I learnt from MN some very valuable tools. The first is to always give your MIL a fait de accompli, a done deal. Oh, sorry MIL we can't go on holiday with you as we have already booked our holiday for this year. I still got grief, but I got to go on the holidays I want.

The second, even though it is a bit of work, is you need to head your MIL off at the pass. It is easy for people to say be assertive and tell her where to get off, or get your DH to do it, but these women are very difficult to deal with. I know. On the advice of women on here, I used to sit down and work out events that my MIL would want to take over, and work out what I wanted to do ourselves, and what I was prepared to share with her. The "us only" events, I used to head her off at the pass. Sorry MiL, we are going away that weekend/ my parents are coming here that weekend/ we have tickets to a show that day. It is only when iu did this that I avoided a full grown argument as I used to make out that "oh no, silly me, I didn't realise it was THAT day".

You need to create boundaries with your MIL. It takes time and effort, but if you don't she will ride roughshod over you, and if/ when you have DC it will be a nightmare.

Go where you want for as long as you want. If you must see the in-laws for a weekend in the autumn.

Jesus christ, just do what you want to do. Don't indulge people in these games.

Go on a 10 day holiday abroad and don't engage further. The 4 days are going to be miserable after that fall out.

This.

She's being a child, she had the opportunity to go abroad with you. She didn't take it, don't pander to her demands, you are grown ups. Go abroad for 10 days if that's what you want to do.