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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have been abrupt with this family member?

34 replies

Eur · 24/08/2022 11:26

She is never off the phone.

I have multiple young DC one of which is disabled and I'm a carer for. I also work PT which might not seem like much but in conjunction with my caring duties, pre-schooler, 10mo baby and running the house it means I have very little free time.

She'll call me 3-4 times per day for no reason other than to chat about the most mundane of things like what I'm having for dinner and what her plans are for the day. I tell her to just text me and I'll get back to her when I can, she doesn't text as she doesn't like to so she just keeps calling and clogging up my voicemail box with completely pointless crap. Every call I don't answer results in yet another voicemail. I can see she has left one whilst I've been writing this post.

I prefer people only leave VM's if it's necessary, DC's paediatrician or the hospital for example.

Tuesday is the only day I can get my food shopping done, she called me three times within the 90 minutes it took me to get everything done. I didn't answer, but it was still distracting. She wanted to know if I was going to visit DM, I already told her the day before that I was.

Feeling burnt out and frustrated I "bit her head off" a bit today and said for the love of god just stop fucking calling my phone.

Blocking her would just mean more voicemails. She has the hide of a rhino.

She was taken aback and is apparently shocked that I'd speak to her that way but WIBU?

OP posts:
EL8888 · 24/08/2022 11:27

YANBU you have a lot on your plate and surely she must know that?! Her demands were excessive l think and unreasonable

Cas112 · 24/08/2022 11:28

No, that would annoy me and I would probably also have the same reaction

DettyPig · 24/08/2022 11:29

I don’t think blocked people can leave voicemails. So I would block!

NanaNelly · 24/08/2022 11:30

I think you’d reached the end of your tether and I’d just say sorry for biting your head off but I’m glad of the chance to clear the air as I’ve been been finding these constant calls etc difficult and I’d appreciate you cutting down on them.

LittleOwl153 · 24/08/2022 11:33

I would block... yes she can leave voicemails but if you never respond at all she'll get the message perhaps? Another option answer on speaker phone EVERYTIME only respond when you have chance, let her hear the kids etc in the background and rattle on... she'll get fed up if she doesn't get the responses she wants!

But no I don't think you were unreasonable. She likely wasn't shocked at the language you used- just that you had the audacity to tell her she wasn't your sole priority!

Original poster
Eur · 24/08/2022 11:33

Unfortunately blocked people can leave voicemails, atleast on giffgaff, as I did have her blocked before and the voicemails kept coming.

She likes to congratulate me on how well I'm juggling all of these responsibilities plus DH being unwell at the moment but completely fails to see how the constant calls could be seen as a nuisance.

She also patronises me no end under the guise of being caring and sweet, she called me a "good girl" the other day. I'm a grown woman 🤯🤯🤯

OP posts:
MissFancyDay · 24/08/2022 11:37

I don't know...it's always good to talk to people calmly first if you need them to change their behaviour. But you sound excessively stretched so I think it's understandable that you reacted as you did and the family member should understand. If they don't then you know what you are dealing with.

VerifiedBot2351 · 24/08/2022 11:40

I like the idea of answering on speaker every time, clearly busy and not really listening, with lots of background noise.

Mooovingonout · 24/08/2022 11:40

Can you block her and then delete the voicemails without listening? Depending on your phone of course, I do it on my iPhone

thelittleapple · 24/08/2022 11:45

If you’re seriously considering blocking someone, you’re considering not having a relationship with them, aren’t you? It sounds awful, so I would consider that if they didn’t respond to a serious sit-down conversation about boundaries.

HangOnToYourself · 24/08/2022 11:54

You could answer and hang up immediately so she cant leave a voicemail in the hope she gets the message

Original poster
Eur · 24/08/2022 11:57

I don't mind the odd chin wag over the phone but she is just too much.

I've addressed it many times, as have other people, and it doesn't sink in (or if it does, she just doesn't give a toss)

What makes matters worse is when I do answer and don't mind having a chat she just talks over me anyway and that irritates me. For example:

Her - what do you think about this thing

Me - oh, I think that..

Her interrupting: OK yes tell me I'm listening

Me - as I was saying..

Her interrupting: Yes go on darling

Me - .......

It's very frustrating to deal with.

OP posts:
Original poster
Eur · 24/08/2022 11:58

HangOnToYourself · 24/08/2022 11:54

You could answer and hang up immediately so she cant leave a voicemail in the hope she gets the message

I think this would work! I hadn't thought of that.

I have a Samsung phone on the giffgaff network and you have to go into the voicemail centre and listen to messages before you can delete them so I can't delete them without doing that.

OP posts:
MichelleScarn · 24/08/2022 12:00

Mil or condescending sister or aunt?

picklemewalnuts · 24/08/2022 12:01

Can you not reject the call when it rings?

MrsSplendiferous · 24/08/2022 12:02

Mum?

Original poster
Eur · 24/08/2022 12:03

Condescending aunt!

I'm pretty sure me rejecting the call sends her straight to my voicemail

OP posts:
Original poster
Eur · 24/08/2022 12:05

I've just been looking through my call history and on the 18th of this month she called me NINE times in one day 😐

OP posts:
chillipenguin · 24/08/2022 12:09

Get another number just for her

CleopatrasBeautifulNose · 24/08/2022 12:14

I have changed my voicemail getting to say that the message inbox is not used and don't leave a message. With some networks you can turn it off altogether.

You'll have to get as cast iron with your boundaries as she is with her persistence. Is there a time you can dial each week. Answer her calls at that time only and respond to literally nothing else. Every. Single. Time.

allinatizzy · 24/08/2022 12:20

Not best to snap, but we all have our breaking point.

You say she has a thick skin. I'd tell her bluntly that you're finding the volume of voicemail too much. You need her to restrict her calls/messages to X number a day and that if she continues to bombard you, you'll have to block her number and delete any voicemail she leaves without listening.

Pre-arranged times for chats are a good idea.

iRun2eatCake · 24/08/2022 12:21

Eur · 24/08/2022 12:05

I've just been looking through my call history and on the 18th of this month she called me NINE times in one day 😐

That is absolutely insane! YANBU!!!

ODFOx · 24/08/2022 12:30

Is she lonely? Is there a way to set up a schedule including other members of the family so she has a couple of chats a day with someone without relying on you so heavily? And set regular times when she can call and you have set 20 mins aside. For older people in the family we have found that facetime or zoom makes the calls shorter overall as it feels like a proper catch up if you can see each other.
I had similar with ExFIL for a while until I got myself into a massive state about it and burst into tears in public: he was a mortified as me! What worked was setting time limits and setting boundaries and sticking to them. So he can call me about family stuff on x days at x time. Otherwise send texts and I'll respond outside work hours and within 24 hours. If he calls otherwise it had better be an emergency. It felt awful at first but now the relationship is much better.
I empathise OP. I hope you can find a way to make her understand.

Original poster
Eur · 24/08/2022 12:41

I'm not sure that she's lonely, she has a DP and other people she sees and speaks to on a daily basis. She certainly has a busier social life than me but then I'm quite an introverted anyway.

It's not just me she does it with either, my other aunt was very no nonsense about it and said she will call her every Thursday for a chat and in the meantime do not call the house as she's interrupting her DH who works from home. I'm not sure if that worked or not. I must find out.

She does the same to my DM who always picks up the phone but then has a moan about it afterwards.

I think sticking her on a firm schedule that I don't deviate from is a good idea.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 24/08/2022 12:49

Hopefully a schedule will do the trick. I do remember a therapist telling me story ago about a man, who had had enough of his mother and was advised by his therapist to tell her not to call him for 30 days. That if she called him during that time, the 30 days would restart. It worked in the end apparently. Just food for thought…