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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"It's easy for you" lighthearted

29 replies

Idontknowwhattothink · 24/08/2022 08:39

Does anyone else have the competitive about how much harder her life is friend?

I do, she's lovely but oh so annoying when she starts this.

When I mentioned in passing (not complaining) I'd gone back to work after having my baby she scoffed it's hardly a real job. I'm a full-time teacher, she is a sahm.

When I talked about being a single parent she scoffed it's hardly difficult as I only have one but she has two - also she's married to a very supportive and hands on dad.

She's done this our whole lives to be fair, not just about kids.

It's harmless but annoying. Can anyone else relate?

OP posts:
petuniasandpetals · 24/08/2022 08:55

I can relate but the opposite. I have a friend who always is happier than me. Everything she does/has is amazing.
It's equally grating especially as she rewrites history when she chooses.
I prefer a good book and limited contact.

YoMrWhiteYall · 24/08/2022 08:55

My husband is like this. It’s a constant competition of who has it easier and who works the hardest. It’s so fucking boring.

Bimbil19 · 24/08/2022 09:00

Yes and I find it exhausting! My friend came round when I was ten days postpartum with DS2 (also had a 2.5 year old) and spent a lot of time telling me how exhausted she was🤐I'm sure she was tired but pick your audience!

i really can't imagine telling a single parent I had it harder though - what a mindset.

AnneLovesGilbert · 24/08/2022 09:01

I’m not sure it is harmless. She sounds lacking in empathy and imagination and is very rude about your job.

Not what I’d call lovely.

Tayegete · 24/08/2022 09:02

DM could be a bit like this - she had 3 DC - I only have 2, even though there is ten years between me and my siblings. Housework was much harder in the 70s-80s, DF wasn’t a hands on dad (very true!) I was so lucky because DH cooks etc To be fair I think her life was harder in some ways but I work full time (she was a sahm or worked for short periods part time) and I do think schools etc expect a lot more from parents now than in the 70s/80s. I’d love to have her back to have the argument again.

in your example - you win hands down! I’d feel frustrated by a friend who couldn’t understand that being a single working parent about to leave her baby for the first time was a challenge.

Redsharks · 24/08/2022 09:03

OMG yes! I am similar to you OP, though have 2 and my second is a sperm donor baby SMBC as my relationship didn't survive our IVF treatment. I have 1 friend who tells me how easy I had it being pregnant without a partner because I could choose names for myself and didn't have to cook them dinner 😅

Also met someone once who understood my children were IVF and they said, and i quote, "that's lucky I guess as you know the exact moment you became pregnant". 😳😳😳

rainbowstardrops · 24/08/2022 09:05

I work with someone EXACTLY like this!!!! It's infuriating!

She's divorced and her ex was an arse and messed her around and the divorce cost her £££'s so she has to work full-time.
I'm married (not particularly happily and she knows this) and work part-time. I get constant digs of how much harder her life is and she wishes she could be part-time etc etc etc. If I say I don't have time to do xyz, she'll say at least I only work part-time. There are four of us in my household and only her and an adult son who is hardly there due to work.
I point out that at least she's got her own house and can do what she likes but no, she's got it harder.
If I have problems going on, she's had that but worse.
If my kids do anything, it's always put down and her children do so much better.
It's not just to me either. She moans to EVERYONE how hard she has it and yet she doesn't do anything to change it and yet still goes on holidays/nights out regularly etc.
It's draining!!!!

Handyweatherstation · 24/08/2022 09:07

My stepmother is like this. SAHM, stopped work in her early 20s, but she has the hardest life of anyone on the planet, ever. If I have a sore shoulder then hers is much worse, if I've got a headache then she's got a migraine that's been going on for days. And if it's not her who's more tired or aching when I tell her something, then one of her Golden Child sons, who can do no wrong, has it far worse than me. It's a bore, so I've stopped telling her anything.

MassiveSalad22 · 24/08/2022 09:07

Is it harmless? I have a friend like this and it is damaging to the relationship to be honest. So tireless. To be honest we’re not really even friends anymore.

MassiveSalad22 · 24/08/2022 09:07

*tiresome

Thegrassaintgreener · 24/08/2022 09:17

Yes, I have a friend like this. She also won't celebrate my successes without bringing out her own sob story and making me feel bad.
I can't agree that it's harmless though. It's infuriating and unsupportive.

Picklypickles · 24/08/2022 09:26

I had this at a family party the other day, step aunt and her husband for some inexplicable reason like to whinge about money to me every time they see me (which thankfully isn't often!)

They are driving around in a brand new top of the line Range Rover, they are ALWAYS having exotic foreign holidays and weekends away, live in a big house they've owned for years, dripping in designer labels and jewellery - proper posers they are! Yet they choose to moan to ME, who is surviving on disability benefits and hasn't been on holiday in over a decade. I really don't want to hear about how hard-done-by they are.

Thatswhyimacat · 24/08/2022 09:28

I'm sorry but anyone who says you don't have a real job isn't lovely or harmless, she's a complete dick.

Endlesslypatient82 · 24/08/2022 09:29

When I mentioned in passing (not complaining) I'd gone back to work after having my baby she scoffed it's hardly a real job. I'm a full-time teacher, she is a sahm.

Either she has special needs or you are prone to hyperbole

Fraaahnces · 24/08/2022 09:29

My DH if I am ever sick… immediately “catches” whatever I have (even ovarian cyst symptoms, ffs!), only his symptoms are MUCH worse and he moans all day and needs everyone’s sympathy. We have videoed him doing this and he was shame-faced.

Endlesslypatient82 · 24/08/2022 09:34

But confused op

on this thread you’re a “single parent”

on a thread you started a couple of weeks ago you were talking about your DH and how besotted he was with your child (oh and another one where you suspected he had left her home alone)

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 24/08/2022 09:38

For me it’s my mum

Me: Full time high pressure job, 2 primary aged kids and no chance of retiring before 65, live in the UK where life is increasingly more and more expensive and about to get worse

Mum: Retired at 48 (calls herself a SAHM even though we had all left home by then, life funded by stepdad), no kids at home, lives in the sun, mortgage free for 15 years now

Apparbetly I couldn’t ever possibly understand how hard it is to live her life 🙄

ILikeHotWaterBottles · 24/08/2022 10:03

Eh people like this are stupid, it's why they don't work usually. Too daft to do anything.

SweatyChamoisPad · 24/08/2022 10:19

I live alone, no kids, boyfriend lives separately. I have several friends who say "it's easy for you, all your money is yours" and think I'm loaded. They have no idea how hard it is to run a home on one lower civil servant salary.

Chikapu · 24/08/2022 10:48

It's not harmless though is it? She's constantly putting you and your life down, she's your friend she's not supposed to do that.

Original poster
Idontknowwhattothink · 24/08/2022 10:54

She's not a moaner herself, it's more that she will always minimise on my behalf.

I wasn't saying it was hard going back to work, I mentioned it in when asked for news and immediately met with scoffing. For the record I don't teach in the UK and often say myself it's not a stressful job. It was her immediate reaction that p'eed me off. If I ever said sahm was not a real job (I never would as I think it's bizarre to assume you can understand the complications of someone else's life) people would be out with the pitchforks

Similarly with the single parent remark, I was discussing a conversation with my family where they were concerned about me leaving DH and I said that I would cope and I think it would actually be easier than navigating our dysfunctional relationship. I already support the family financially which she knows. She immediately jumped in saying I only have one child, it's easy. She said that quite spitefully which threw me.

So it's not at all that she's woe is me, more that she's quick to put me in my place.

She's always been like this, she will take a swipe and it'll feel personal like she's been inwardly ruminating on how easy I have it.

Bottom line I don't assume I know what someone else's life experiences are and it's annoying to be on the receiving end of it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Idontknowwhattothink · 24/08/2022 10:55

SweatyChamoisPad · 24/08/2022 10:19

I live alone, no kids, boyfriend lives separately. I have several friends who say "it's easy for you, all your money is yours" and think I'm loaded. They have no idea how hard it is to run a home on one lower civil servant salary.

Yes this is it - how would they know how easy or difficult it is?

OP posts:
Original poster
Idontknowwhattothink · 24/08/2022 10:56

petuniasandpetals · 24/08/2022 08:55

I can relate but the opposite. I have a friend who always is happier than me. Everything she does/has is amazing.
It's equally grating especially as she rewrites history when she chooses.
I prefer a good book and limited contact.

Interesting! Maybe I am this friend...

OP posts:
Onesmallstepforaman · 24/08/2022 11:00

Northern Ireland folk have a great saying for these people. Catch yerself on!

sorrysaythatagain · 24/08/2022 11:02

Oh gosh it's horrible reading all these other stories of having similar friends.

Why are people like this?! Is it a form of narcissism?