to feel guilty for being a SAHM?

[scouserabroad]

I have two DDs, 19 months & 4 months. I have been a sahm since the eldest was born, although I have had a few temp jobs. I really love looking after them, DD1 is starting to talk and do funny toddler stuff, and DD2 is so cute bless her.

DH and me are living at parents house (parents don't live here - long story) and I feel like I'm not acting like an adult because I'm living with parents (I am 25). My parents don't give us money and they live hundreds of miles away, so we're not living off them or anything. They are perfectly happy with this situation.

So here's the AIBU: I keep feeling guilty about not working, because maybe then we could afford to rent somewhere.

DH wants to stay as we are for now because he is retraining so he can get a better job, and if we did have our own place he'd have to work more hours and the study would take longer.

you aren't living WITH parents though are you .. so that's a bit daft

you are living in a house that I assume you have rent-free

so let me get this right .. you would prefer to go out to work, pay someone else to look after your children so that you could maybe scrape together your rent for a pokey small place somewhere less nice

would it be too harsh to say 'don't be an idiot'?

streuth .. I've been a SAHM for 5 years .. not one ounce of guilt .. I do it because I think it's the best thing to do for my kids .. I won't do it forever .. but I will till youngest is at least through reception

Don't feel guilty, you're not actually living with parents are you?

Your DDs are still very young too, there is plenty of time to go out and work when they are older.

And I think your DH is right, if you had your own place you'd have to work a lot harder, and after child-care costs are paid for two little ones, will there be much left over anyway?

So yes, YABU for feeling guilty. Banish those thoughts!

If you want to work, then fair enough, go for it but I don't see why you should feel guilty for not working, given your situation.

After paying childcare exactly how much money would you have towards rent?

Also, this is just one short period of your life - there will be years and years and years left for you to work. Enjoy your kids, if that's what you want to do.

Why would you feel guilty about staying home to look after your own children?

And you are working.

Sounds like you're actually doing your parents a favour. If they're living abroad, wouldn't they have to rent out the house or have it sat empty anyway?

If sat empty, then insurance costs etc become higher... renting isn't a huge money earner these days plus there's the hassle of problem tenants and not being in the country to monitor it - so you're reliant on the management agency.

So no... I wouldn't feel guilty. If you had no children and went to go look after someone else's two children every day, that would be a job, no?

YABU for feeling guilty. Looking after your kids when they are so little is nothing to be ashamed about. I've been a SAHM for 16 years now and thats whats best for my kids.

If your parents didn't 'approve' then they wouldn't have lent you their house.

You are doing fine, don't beat yourself up about it!

Anyway, you'd probably feel guilty if you did go to work because you would have to get childcare! Guilt is a default setting once monterhood hits I think! Just enjoy your kids and good on you - I couldn't do it for millions!

yabu!!!! you are WORKING!!!! just not getting paid for it, or socially valued, due to our crap society- I talked to a Polish family the other day, not sure if I got the right idea but had the impression caring for one's own small children much more valued in their community. I know some people don't have the choice, but you do, so great.

Guilt is an inportant part of the job, try to banish it, you would have just as much guilt no matter which path you chose.

I really don't understand why you'd want to rent somewhere when you already have somewhere to live. what would your parents do with the house if you didn't live there? if they'd rent it out, maybe you should think about paying them a very small rent. if it would be empty otherwise, where's the harm?

If it was me I'd choose to stay in my parents' house even if I could afford to rent. 87% of landlords are bastards you know.

Is there something beneath the surface that's making you feel things aren't right? Sounds like you need to talk to DH and sort out what you both want. If your parents are happy with the arrangement, then I'd make the most of it, save like mad while not having to pay rent/mortgage and enjoy! If on the other hand, you don't want to feel dependent on your parents, you may want to plan for making changes over the next year or so

I can understand how you feel. The way i have got over the feeling of guilt was looking into going back to work and for me it just isn't viable at the moment.

because of the following =

A) Cost of childcare for 2 children (childcare between £3.50 and £5.50 per hour or Nursery £50+ a day).

B) Cost of getting a second car e.g. Car loan, MOT and service costs and insurance then cost of petrol each week.

As for living rent free in you parents house, how about finding out how much it would be to rent a similar property and save that amount of money towards getting a mortgage/house at a later date.

Thanks everybody, that was just what I needed to hear

Twiglett, "don' be an idiot" sounds about right lol

This situation isn't permanent, DH is a fairly recent immigrant from a developing country, and his education isn't recognised here so he only finds badly paid jobs, usually temp/short term contracts. He's gone back to education as a mature student so his job prospects should improve (hopefully in june when he does his exams!) I don't know what will happen after that but I should just make the most of what I've got, for now...

you are TOTALLY not being unreasonable. Not in the slightest.

Firstly, your children will enjoy having you around. They are both very young and it would be quite a strain on you i think trying to organise childcare for both of them.

Secondly, as for staying in your parents in law house - make the most of it, it is a grand opportunity for you to get established. Dont throw your money onto rent if you dont have to, use this time for your DH to retrain, maybe even do some college stuff yourself, and save save save - then you may be in a position to buy. There is no better investment in your childrens future than that. I think you are being extremely adult actually.

FWIW, i am 37 and still have to beg hand outs from my mother, i most certainly dont feel like a grown up

oh, i meant, you have nothing to feel guilty about - so first post should have read, you ARE being unreasonable

I think guilt is largely a waste of time in this sort of situation. But perhaps you are feeling that something is not quite right in your life. It's early days though. Your babies are young, so you are and you can make all sorts of changes when and if it seems right.

You would also feel guilty if you had the children in nursery all day. Don't worry about it.