To be deeply disturbed by this?

[Ificouldd]

Disclaimer - Keeping this as vague as possible so apologies if it doesn’t make sense. Have changed a couple details so it’s not revealing, before anyone goes through to try ‘catch me out’. Sadly this is my life. I do not give permission for any news articles to use this post.

I became friends with a women (call her A) 3 years ago through school pick ups, she had a child the year below mine. I’m a single mum, and she had a partner (let’s call him J) who she’d been with 6 months when we met and they lived together and he treated the kids as his own. We lived very close to each other so we’re always meeting up, I’m self employed and she was a SAHM
so we had lots of time in the day to pop round each other’s houses for tea etc, we’d go shopping together and we got quite close. The friendship ended after a few months for reasons that aren’t relevant, nothing big we just drifted apart but still said hi at school pick up. Both kids are now in different high schools so I haven’t seen her for a long time.

During the friendship, A’s partner J was unemployed, I was a single mum who didn’t have a man around. J was good at DIY so I hired him to do a few jobs round my house. It worked out well for all of us, I got my house done at a reasonable rate and they got an income, A would come round a lot too while he was working so they were still able to spend time with each other. J ended up renovating the whole house for me over the next few months - paint, wallpaper, flooring, garden. The majority of the time he was in my home alone with me and my DS. He was good at what I paid him to do, but as it progressed I started to feel a bit uncomfortable as he displayed some odd behaviour. He was friendly, never inappropriate, but he would get very stressed out about little things. not angry but he would get quite panicky and wouldn’t know what to do with himself. The jobs ended because there were no more left to do, and the friendship died out (100% not linked to the work)

3 years later and I’ve just found out through a mutual friend that J is a convicted killer. I don’t want to sound too recognisable so I’ll keep it vague. He murdered a family member because they owed him money, it was violent and deeply disturbing. I’ve worked out he must have been out of prison for less than a year before we met. I’m also sure A must have known. He changed his name, but a news article is still online with his picture on it.

I feel sick. I’m supposed to protect my child. Instead I invited a murderer into our home alone with us. How could I not have been more careful???? I should have asked for a dbs check as he was around my DS. My anxiety is through the roof and I cannot believe I was that close to someone who did something so evil. The craziest thing is he was a friendly guy.
He could have killed us, what if his work ended up being shit and I had to fire him and he got angry. I neglected my DS.

I don’t know what I want from posting on here I just needed to tell someone, I can’t tell my family or friends. I’m so disturbed by it. Am I overreacting?

I understand the feeling shocked and disturbed. It’s normal to feel like that when you discover someone you thought was nice / normal is actually a brutal criminal but nothing happened. You’ve moved on. You can’t know everyone who ever enters your home. Only thing you can do it not leave your DS with people you don’t fully know and trust (assume you didn’t anyway).
My DH had a friend that he helped out quite a in his home and the friend had been to ours a few times to discuss the subject DH was helping him with. He told us he was getting divorced and his ex wouldn’t let him in the house hence DH going over to do stuff. A few weeks later it was in all the papers he had been sent to prison for brutally beating his wife. I felt sick for weeks every time I thought about it.

No I fully agree with you, rehabilitation is possible in some cases.

Prison systems are changing with rehabilitation being the main focus, therapy, reflection, counselling.

But the general public just scream "it's too soft" want hanging back and Victorian style prisons, that don't work, and then moan about the re-offending rate 🤦🏻‍♀️

Meanwhile Nordic countries who's prison systems are designed all around rehabilitation have the lowest re-offending rates.

But I digress.

That was a long winded way of saying nothing happened to you or your child.

Thank goodness this is the 'worst' that's happened to you.

I wouldn't beat yourself up about this. It's not like he'll be back looking for you or you've done anything to provoke his attention. I think the important thing to remember is that it's over.

he did a good job, didn't murder you, and your house looks nice I'd imagine

I have no idea if this was meant to be comical but I lmfao'd at it.

Op, you couldn't have done anything differently, if you'd hired a handy man online, he could've been just like this. People don't do DBs checks unless they work with kids.

Your ex mate however.... Needs her head checked.

Buy did you die tho 🤷‍♀️

Understandably a big shock to hear that about someone you knew and trusted in your home but you didn't act irresponsibly regarding your son- you were present as was your friend.

Nothing bad happened and you doing this may have contributed to rehabilitating J back into society by offering him work and the opportunity to use his skills if you want to try and see it in a positive light.

Obv not minimising his crime, it was clearly not a bit of shoplifting but the broader principle is the same.

Disagree. My best friend works with young offenders. Some of them have committed murder. Some are sexual stalkers. She feels safer with the murderers she says as someone who has killed isn’t always ‘murderous’ but the sexual predators always tend to be that.

not down playing how you feel at all - but don’t beat yourself up too much or overthink it now. Tradesmen are not required to have a DBS check and we’ve all had them in the house around our kids x

Look, I get it. But, he didn't do anything to you and you need to stop thinking 'What If'.

You walk among people like this every day, they aren't likely to want to go back to jail. I've worked with prisoners and some of the most trusted ones were murderers. Please try to put it behind you

not only the daily mail, but The Mirror as well fishing for stories here.

Look, it’s Meghan again.

My mothers friend walked her dog most days with one of the countries most prolific serial killers. She only realised when he was first item on the news. She was a robust type and not his victim profile she didnt get upset over it. Just one of those things you didn’t do anything wrong. Alls well that ends well I think.

Tbh I think I might know who you're talking about.
Many of the details you mention are true of the person I know too.
He was nice enough, but something made me on edge about him. I put it down to him liking a bit of a drink, he asked DH to do some private work with him once, DH did, and the next day he was all up for ripping this person's head off because he hadn't been paid yet
He then went on to send DH a lot of obscene material he kept sending videos of people having accidents which were causing their deaths, terrorist attack footage and people intentionally committing suicide.

You weren't to know though, how could you have guessed he was a murderer?

OP, you were never harmed. What’s with the angst now.

I’ve never got a DBS for a decorator or similar, it’d be different if you’d used him as a babysitter! Move on.

I don’t blame you for feeling this way but he was unlikely to murder you, it doesn’t work like that. If it makes you feel like you’re not alone in feeling this way, when my DD was a baby we had a tradesman in to do a major job on the house we’d just moved into, he did a good job and was pleasant. Months later completely randomly I found out he had been in prison for child sex offences.

he’d been in my house around my DD but obviously had never been alone with her, it made me feel sick. I later told the tradesman who had recommended him to us as he also had a young child and he said “yeah I’d heard that but didn’t believe it!” WTAF!?

Op I get it. I’d be freaked out if someone I’d invited into my home turned out to be a violent offender who had murdered someone.

but try to separate that shock from
what you feel about your son being present. I’ve had numerous tradesmen in my house over the years and I’ve never once considered their past.

you didn’t leave your son alone with him and you weren’t to know he’d killed anyone - we don’t officially vet everyone we meet!!

hope you start to feel a bit better soon - you did nothing wrong

This.

Plus, this chap did the work for you 3 years ago. The anxiety he was displaying is now amplified in your head, and you are trying to twist it into something it is not.