To feel as though I've lost all my ambition since having a baby

[UrethraFranklin90]

Changed my name as I thought of this one and it made me chuckle - although I'm apparently not the first!

I'm due back from mat leave in 3 weeks time. Main earner, always been really career focussed. I am sat here googling how to set up a baby class or something that will allow me to stay home (sort of) with my baby. I've had a promotion (NHS) whilst off - I will be doing a postgrad qualification and will then be on a higher band when I qualify.

All I want to do is stay home with my little boy until he goes to school. I can't, his dad doesn't earn much and doesn't really have the potential to earn more. I will be doing 4 days but it still feels shit I have to go to work and miss out on so much of his little life.

I know I'm lucky to have a decent job and that I do get to have a day in the week with him. I used to love my job and I'm sure I still will once I get back to it but I just keep desperately looking at other options. I never thought I'd wish I was a SAHM but I would gladly be one if I could.

Anyone else experience the same?

I'm the same, I work two shifts a week (23 hours) for the NHS and this fits nicely around childcare but I'd much rather be with my babies to be honest. I think your priorities change once you have children.

I think it passes tbh. I had a brief spell of the same thing but very quickly found I loved being back at work and having something just for me. And I really wouldn't be a good SAHM, no matter how magical I tell myself it would be. I would be frazzled and irritated and lose myself.

God no. Better for mine ro have variety and a Happy fullfilled mother whi is financially independent

his dad want to give up too?

I can and can't relate. I didn't enjoy mat leave and couldn't wait to not be on it anymore! But I have found that my ambition is a lot less since having DS. I had reached a decent level of job before mat leave and have never felt the desire to progress further. I think because I get fulfillment from being a Mum.

DS is 8 now though and I love the balance of working and being a Mum. I definitely need more that one 'me'. I wouldn't be happy with only work or only a child.

I'm the same, main earner and can't afford to live on partners income. I work a compressed week and would love to be a SAHM, but I tell myself that the harder I work now the better all of our futures will be. I've been back a year and still feel the same.

I was exactly the same with my first. I looked into all sorts of shite that would make me no money, like Usborne Books, Baby Sensory franchises, etc.

In the end when I went back it actually felt 'right' - like I had my place to be 3/4 days a week, and so did DD (it helped that we had a wonderful childminder).

Totally!

I was very very career driven, then I had a baby and everything changed. I assumed that things would switch back but it's been 5 years and I'd give up with tomorrow if I could. It's a THiNG i have to do to earn money that takes me away from my children. I hate it.

It might be hormones. You aren’t alone. It happens to loads of us but it generally doesn’t last.

I’d be interested in the number of professional women that start Etsy ‘businesses’ around this time.

I felt this. I have always felt it, throughout my child’s early years, through primary school and until they left secondary. I am grateful for my job and that I am an independent, feminist role model for DD, but would give it up tomorrow if I were more financially secure. I resent giving my job so much headspace, when I so much prefer being a mother to anything else. I have wasted so much precious time daydreaming about working just a day or two from home or DH being promoted so that I can resign and devote more time to parenthood.

Good to know I'm not alone! I thought I'd be dying to get back but I would happily be off for the next 4 years if I could. Hopefully it will get better. Poor thing is going to get such a shock, the separation anxiety is really kicking in now, I can't leave him without him shouting 'mama! I can see lots of tears (mostly from me) for the first week at least.

Go back to work and see how you feel in a week, a month, six months. I’ve had both roles and found part time work waaaay easier than SAH with a toddler. Idyllic in summer with a baby, shit on a stick with a snotty toddler in Feb.

Can really relate to this but just wanted to post to say hang in there, it does get better and if it was a job you previously enjoyed it is so worth hanging on to your career if you can manage it.
I went back full time at 6 months with my first (now 10 yr old) and hated it! Desperately wanted to be home with him and thought about quitting so many times but we couldn’t afford it and I am main earner like you. Work wouldn’t let me do less than full time. Just struggled through a tough few years and focused on fact as was doing it for DS to give him a better life and would make sure I saw him every morning & put him to bed every night and spent quality time together at weekend doing nice things / really appreciating holidays together (which we wouldn’t have been able to afford had I not worked).

DS seemed to cope much better than I did and thrived with lovely child minder! He’s now 10 and a lovely boy and we’re very close so it doesn’t seem to have affected our relationship (which is what I used to worry about!).

Whilst working whilst DS was little I was able to progress my career to stage that with my second, I could afford to take longer Mat leave and reduce my hours which was lovely as I also got time back with DS as well.
Now that they are both at school, I am so grateful to have my career & financial security it provides and it feels like I have another identity at work which is just me (and not just Mum). I work 4 days which is great balance I think and make sure I prioritise evenings & weekends with the kids. They definitely reap benefits of us being financially comfortable enough now to afford the activities etc they want to do and have treats, birthday parties, holidays etc so for me, it has really been worth those initial tough years, in my opinion albeit it didn’t feel like it at the time!
Good luck, it’s a difficult time but you’ll be ok.

Also agree , notwithstanding how lovely they are, it can be pretty relentless & hard work being at home with young children every day. I think you definitely appreciate your time and enjoy it more when you have work as a ‘break’!

Ah thank you for your lovely comment, it's good to know that working hasn't affected your relationship with your little boy. I'm hoping to reduce my hours more when I earn a bit more so just trying to keep thinking of the long term benefits of going back and getting another qualification. I had no idea how difficult it would be though, I thought I'd be really keen to get back!!

OP, think of all of the working parents you know. Do they seem to not have close relationships with their children? Of course not.

You are always their mother, their best and most important person; you'll see it on their face when you get home after a long day, and it's beautiful.

You'll be fine. 🙂

Totally normal OP, I felt the same. But I think it’s a hormonal thing for the most part.

I was made redundant just after going back to work and found trying to entertain a toddler at home is relentless, now I’m back at work and she’s at nursery we are both thriving. Not to say some don’t love staying at home but you might find you enjoy the routine of being back at work.

You are not alone!

I went back full time after my first baby and I worked over three days (I am also NHS) and I hated it. Even though I was at home four days a week I found it so so hard to be away from my child for those 3 days and I cried each time I dropped him off with my childminder. This phase lasted a couple of months but then we both settled into the new routine and it just became our norm.

After my second child I dropped to 25 hours and have been doing that for the last 5 years. It meant I was only away from the children for two days and I found that much easier.

My youngest is starting school this September and although my husband is making noises about me increasing my hours at work (I’ve had a promotion) I don’t know if I can cope with the thought of being away from my children so often.

I would only ever work 4 days a week even if I did increase my hours but even that seems too much.

It’s really hard.

OP I felt exactly like you and we are in the same situation financially (I'm the main earner etc)

I'm in my second week back now and I am actually so surprised, I feel completely different now and 100% would not want to go back to spending all day with DD (as much as I love her!!!) I think it's healthy for us to have time apart, and it makes the time together all the more special.

Give it a chance, once you've had a hot coffee and a wee in peace you might feel totally differently about going back!

Very true! I am very lucky too as we have family doing childcare and they have promised to video call me every lunchtime!

This gives me hope...I really really hope I feel the same

It is so difficult. I don't know anyone else in my situation in real life either, other mums I know have partners with decent salaries so work very part time or not at all. I am so envious but I know there are benefits and drawbacks to both.

I've heard people say their kids need them even more as they get older, I say if you can afford it keep your hours as they are!

I felt like this, but my husband was by far the higher earner so it made not a lot of difference if I went back to work it not. So I didn't and then, we ended up having three more children anyway. Never used a crèche or nanny for any of them. Even as they got older, the "issues" just get more complex and four kids / teens is a lot to juggle. So now I've not worked for almost 20 years (bar some house renovations I did on the side). So a loooong time, but no regrets whatever to be honest.