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Original poster

To ask why a dh who loves his wife uses porn.

24 replies

Flippinhecks · 23/08/2022 19:07

If a dh wants closeness with his dw , but uses porn as a subsitite why would he do that in that it may alienate her( as in if he knows this would be a thing she does not like) not talking about dw who dont mind or enjoy porn ....
Yes it happened .

OP posts:
Flutterbybudget · 23/08/2022 19:24

The only person who can really answer that, is the DH in question.
People watch porn for lots of reasons. It’s fantasy.
Other people don’t like porn for lots of reasons as well.
The only way that this will be solved is through honest communication with each other

veggiemonster · 23/08/2022 19:32

One reason is that it gives them complete control and dominance over a woman for ten minutes, even if they're not the ones doing the dominating themselves. If your 'D'H choked you, spat on you, slapped you across the face and breasts or called you a whore during sex I'm assuming you'd understandably protest and withdraw consent.

Another reason is that he's potentially addicted and 'can't help himself'.

They see it as 'harmless'. Pornography is absolutely destroying relationships between men and women, I despair over it to be honest.

You have my sympathies.

EmmetEmma · 23/08/2022 19:41

Another reason is wanting a quick wank and too mentally tired to manage to fantasise without it. People can get turned on by watching other people have sex.

Discuss it with your husband.

thecatsthecats · 23/08/2022 19:47

OK, I'm going to answer this from the very tame end rather than the deep end of "he wants to see women in pain" etc

I believe that sexual relationships have to have an element of privacy and independence, even whilst staying in the remit of sexual fidelity. You can agree what is acceptable to each other, communicate in detail, set boundaries and keep to them - but you can't actually forbid another adult to do something legal.

Whether or not the wife's response is reasonable depends on much more than what's in the OP.

Hankunamatata · 23/08/2022 19:53

So you don't approve of porn.
Your dh has watched porn and now you are cross with him?
Ask your dh.
Some people like porn when having some alone time.
You need to work out if thats something you can live with

Hankunamatata · 23/08/2022 19:56

veggiemonster · 23/08/2022 19:32

One reason is that it gives them complete control and dominance over a woman for ten minutes, even if they're not the ones doing the dominating themselves. If your 'D'H choked you, spat on you, slapped you across the face and breasts or called you a whore during sex I'm assuming you'd understandably protest and withdraw consent.

Another reason is that he's potentially addicted and 'can't help himself'.

They see it as 'harmless'. Pornography is absolutely destroying relationships between men and women, I despair over it to be honest.

You have my sympathies.

Not all porn is abusing crap

Offdutyfrom5 · 23/08/2022 19:56

veggiemonster · 23/08/2022 19:32

One reason is that it gives them complete control and dominance over a woman for ten minutes, even if they're not the ones doing the dominating themselves. If your 'D'H choked you, spat on you, slapped you across the face and breasts or called you a whore during sex I'm assuming you'd understandably protest and withdraw consent.

Another reason is that he's potentially addicted and 'can't help himself'.

They see it as 'harmless'. Pornography is absolutely destroying relationships between men and women, I despair over it to be honest.

You have my sympathies.

What a dramatic response. Surely you realise that much of porn is two people having sex without all the kinks you mentioned and without all the language you mentioned.

It’s not the porn itself that’s destroying relationships it’s the people in the relationship doing that. If the husband is using it in an unhealthy way then of course that’ll have a negative impact but that’s on him not the porn. If he’s watching it when his wife doesn’t want him to or vice versa then that’s about the two of them. Put the responsibility on the people involved. If a wife was allergic to nuts and the husband kept making meals with nuts you wouldn’t say it’s the nuts fault for existing, you’d say it’s the husband actions that are wrong. Yes that’s a simplistic way of looking at it but the principle fits.

SteveHarringtonsChestHair · 23/08/2022 19:57

Is it the porn per se or the impact it is having on intimacy with his wife which is the issue here?

Many people use porn while alone in the same way they might reach for a snack or watch some trash TV., rather than cool a nutritious meal and read a book. It’s easy, it’s quick, it kind of does the job, albeit not as good as the real thing, and if he finds his advances aren’t always welcome towards his DW he may not want to risk rejection by approaching her and being turned down so he settles for the sure thing of a wank.

SteveHarringtonsChestHair · 23/08/2022 19:57

Cook a nutritious meal

Just10moreminutesplease · 23/08/2022 19:58

For the same reason as lots of women watch porn? Sometimes people want to get off on their own.

Blastocyte · 23/08/2022 20:00

Ok most porn is people having sex doggy or using dildos, it's really not slapping and choking non stop.

People use it to orgasm quick with little effort. Most people don't like it if their partner favours porn over them.

Namenic · 23/08/2022 20:30
  1. he might not see it as a bad thing (even if his wife does) - so doesn’t see it as doing anything wrong.
  2. He might be a selfish person - so he both wants closeness to his wife and he wants the pleasure he gets from porn (even is she doesn’t like it).

I’m so sorry OP if it is you that is going through this. Talk to him - it might be that you are not compatible. it’s like some people are ok with open relationships and some people aren’t. But what won’t work is someone wanting an exclusive relationship being together with someone wanting an open relationship. Personally my boundaries are no porn - so I wouldn’t stay in a relationship with someone who continued to use it. It’s ok to know what your boundaries are.

Original poster
Flippinhecks · 23/08/2022 20:33

Ok . He knows i dont like it for personal reasons. This discussed way back.
He knows that if he wanted to use it , thats fine, but that i personally dont want to be with a man who uses porn rather than a ,( not as well as for eg,) in a healthy relationship with all its ups and downs.i dont want a person to use it to hide issues, but to be able to discuss and sort.stuff.
He knew this.
He did this he says as he felt apart from me
. I do.not understand how doing something he knew would really affect us would solve anything/ get us closer
. Avoidance.

.
He knows he avoided stuff we should discuss but hid in the easy option, knowing full well it would damage relationships.

I would have left him but we had a dc and i was on maternity leave.
He asked me for one more chance. I talked about connection etc. He did it again said felt.seperate from me just.wanted comfort. Again , this did not help us .
He does not talk about his feelings , i wish he would. I dont want him to f eel guilt. Its simply somethingwe agreed on and he did it for sad reasons. .
I want to understand and feel special again myself as i feel second to a random person on the internet. He is a good dh . I just feel let down like sex with me is nothing as i can be replaced by the above.

OP posts:
Original poster
Flippinhecks · 23/08/2022 20:36

Namenic he knew this was my boundary but dud it 2x i know of. My issue is i dont understand.. but also he says he wont do it again.
I dont want stop him , i want to believe amd trust.

OP posts:
AhNowTed · 23/08/2022 20:38

Sometimes one just wants a quick release.

Star05 · 23/08/2022 20:56

How did you find out about it?

I watch porn. Its like escapism/to relax without the effort of sex, or sometimes to relieve period pain. I still love sex with DH. It's just I like to masturbate too and it helps me get there.

It isn't to hurt my DH, and I don't even care what the people in the videos look like. It's a separate thing from my relationship. DH watches porn too and we talk about it sometimes. I also never want to try anything I enjoy in porn in real life. So it's not like I'm missing something, it's the fantasy not the reality.

It's just your private time/freedom and sometimes it helps you unwind is all. I don't think it comes from a malicious place and I'd feel a lot of pressure if I knew I had to focus all sexual energy towards my partner. It would put a lot of pressure on sex tbh!

Not sure if this helped - just wanted to let you know its not always from a bad place. Especially if you are still having good, regular sex. Addiction is different of course.

Original poster
Flippinhecks · 23/08/2022 21:01

Found a mag.
The reason i find it hard is due to a personal reason but also because we wer having a difficult time ( x2) and he did this

  1. When we had discussed it was not a thing i can accept.
2 it was hidden. 3.it was used instead of trying to talk about and improve our relationship 4 it was instead of any sex with me. It made me feel replaced as it was instead of me if that makes sense
OP posts:
Original poster
Flippinhecks · 23/08/2022 21:02

Thanks for comments about it not being malicious etc . Appriciate it .

OP posts:
CassandrasCastle · 23/08/2022 21:12

A mag! Retro

ReeseWitherfork · 23/08/2022 21:38

You found a mag but you don’t want to feel second to someone on the internet? So he’s watched internet porn too?!

If this is a deal breaker for you then you’ve got to break the deal. Else find a way to live with it. You can’t control what your husband does so those are your two options.

thecatsthecats · 23/08/2022 21:38

Well, what are your reasons for not accepting it? You don't have to be specific.

It just seems like most of your reasoning amounts to the fact that you want all his sexual releases to be with you. That's why he hid it. No one wants EITHER a wank or a serious conversation with their partner. Most people want either a wank or sex, sometimes by themselves. That's allowed. Heck, it's healthy.

Original poster
Flippinhecks · 23/08/2022 21:42

thecatsthecats but if we had a converstion and sorted out the issues we wd be closer and therefore had sex rather than avoid issues. That is healthy isnt it.?!

OP posts:
Josette77 · 23/08/2022 21:44

Being attracted to other people is healthy and normal.
How do you feel about masturbation?
Would him thinking of othet women in his imagination bother you?

Thesefeetaremadeforwalking · 23/08/2022 22:01

OP, I don't think the issue is the porn here, it's that he knows it's a boundary of yours and he crossed it.
He crossed it twice and there were no consequences.
So there isn't any reason for him not to cross it again is there?

If he continues to do this you have 3 choices;


  1. Rethink the boundary

  2. Accept that his behaviour isn't going to change and put up with it

  3. Remove yourself from the situation.


I'm sorry if this isn't what you want to hear.

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