Would you let this friendship go/has it already died?

[Touchofchillintheair]

Was v close friends with a colleague for years, have known her 15 odd years, spoke daily v close. She moved back home and we still kept in touch and visited each other, although it obviously wasn’t as close as before.
I’ve always been the one to message/reach out more, she was a good friend to me, as was I to her.
We lost our way a little when I had a Dd and then she had two more dcs. I’d often message and she’d reply but not as much. I sent a lengthy reply in autumn to her message, including about my mum having cancer etc…no reply. I was upset about this and surprised no acknowledgement of it etc. She’d then send the odd reply to Instagram/Fb, but not proper contact (she’s done this in the past)
She sent a message at Xmas saying how busy life was and we must do a catch up, I replied nicely and so on. Since then still just a feeble laughing face to the odd things I post, no happy birthday to my Dd…we always did that with one another’s children. Then I see she’s holidaying where I live, but didn’t contact me to meet up. I’ve not bothered to engage or make contact at all…I feel it was always me giving more and this basically confirms it 🤷🏻‍♀️
Is this relationship dead? Was it just a natural thing that happens..feels sad

I think she was always used to me making the main effort and we got into a cycle of that…(other friends have said similar) and now she’s probably surprised/offended and doesn’t see how she was/is…
Seems too far gone now…but no proper message asking how we are, acknowledging Dd etc…

It just sounds like the friendship has drifted. Nothing really to do with her being used to you making effort or being offended or whatever. Your lives have moved on, you have different friends who you can actually see in person regularly and who you’ll be closer to. Your DD won’t even know who she is, wishing her a happy birthday is utterly meaningless. I’d hold on to the memories of it having been a good friendship at a point in your lives where it was right and just let it go naturally. And perhaps if you’re ever in her part of the world, send a casual message seeing if she’d like to go for a coffee - but don’t plan on it. I still have a couple of old friends I do this with, we have a nice time on these rare occasions but don’t bother trying to maintain nothing in between with texting because life just gets in the way for all of us.

Dead as a doornail. Delete her, it's very freeing.

And on the point about her not contacting you when on holiday - I wouldn’t necessarily contact these friends when on holiday either, because I’d likely have lots of other plans. I think that’s a big expectation to have of somebody.

I think it’s run its course. I have friends I was very close with when I was working with them or saw them multiple times a week at toddler groups or whatever that just dissipated as we had fewer shared day to day experiences, less in common, it was more effort to communicate and we became closer to other people. And we just changed as people over time, especially after having children.

It’s a bit sad but I don’t think it’s that unusual.

I've a friend like this. Worked with her for 10 years, used to have evenings at each other's houses with a bottle of wine. Then she moved about 75 miles away to Londom. Christmas 2020 I knew she'd be back to see family so I contacted her and we met up for a lockdown walk. This Christmas I thought I'd let her contact me and she didn't, so I figure we are probably destined now to be Instagram friends.

She didn't message you in response to your mum having cancer? She no longer cares enough so I would cut this one loose.
It's hard but not all friends are forever.
I hope your mum is doing ok.

@RiverSkater I had messaged her asking how life was etc, she gave a lengthy reply, I then replied with a lengthy reply, some of it saying about my mum…no reply. Then she did a response to a story I shared a little whine later, then a happy Christmas message.

I’ve had lots of friends where we’ve drifted, but still friendly, but I’ve not thought much of it, have good feelings but quite casual. This felt like a much closer friendship so feels a little different, but I think there’s no going back now…a good friendship can’t rely solely on the occasional *like or laughing face response to a story

I'd stop investing. It sounds like it's over to me. I've had a similar experience this year and whilst it's hard, I do at least feel a sense of peace that I know where I stand. I realised it was always me extending the invitation, always me opening my home to her and her kids, always me arranging the days out. So I stopped. And we've gone from seeing each other 2-3 times a month to not speaking at all this year.

@Outlyingtrout It does make you wonder though…oh were they really not that bothered/are they a bit upset too/are they relieved. So sorry you went through that