How to go no contact with family you still love?

[DettyPig]

Does anytime have any experience with this? I don’t want to bore with the details (although if it’s relevant I’m happy to). I still love my dad, he’s my dad but the emotional and mental pain it causes me to spend time with him and his new family is really affecting my life. I spend a lot of time crying about it all. My older child is very close to him and my half siblings though which I know will devastate her but I just don’t want to keep trying to be a part of it all anymore. We’ve gone a year without speaking before but was then tricked into seeing him again by another family member and everything just kind of carried on as normal again. It’s just taking over my life and I don’t know what to do.

You’ve been so kind now I’ve!

Then that’s fine isn’t it? You aren’t treated well, you weren’t as a child and it continues.

You know it hurts so stop.

Personally though I tend to think it best to also keep your children away from toxic people.

If you feel no contact is right because of your past history with you father the. Yes do that. Maybe a set time period of no contact and then introduce very low contact if you think you are in the place to do this with strong boundaries?

is it actually your dad you want no contact with or his family? Just wasn’t sure from previous posts.

Anyhow I hope you work out a way to manage it all in a way that works for you.

@DettyPig maybe look into CBT or trauma therapy if it’s things in the past you’re holding on to?

I’ve gone NC with my Mum. After years of narcissistic abuse, to most extents rather extreme, I’d had enough. It’s been nearly a year and it’s been hell in a lot of ways.
Ive gone through talking therapy/counselling and now I’m doing CBT alongside EMDR treatment. Mine is quite a severe case of abuse though.

Before cutting ties I would look at keeping low contact and fixing the trauma/issues you have. Good luck.

@DettyPig first

I agree with @MrsR2018 you need to process these feelings about your dad with a therapist - as it is, you keep hoping he'll say sorry or talk to you about what bothers you and he's set out his stall that he won't.

I'm NC with a sister I love who constantly stirs, picks fights and attacks me. I do love her but she is painful. NC for one toxic family member just leads to more drama as other family try and force you into contact, make you feel bad, put pressure on you via your kids etc. etc.

Therapy.

@DettyPig first of all, sending love. It is so hard and ita important to recognise the grief. In my case its my mother I have had to go no contact with and I had lots of support from MN when I finally did it. (Stately homes threads are great). Now. Its a grieving process. For sure. Every time I hear or read about mother- daughter relationships it hurts. I tried so hard for so long to make her love me. Unconditionally. And she just doesn't. Its caused me enormous damage and its made complicated by the fact that I love and adore my dad so the no contact means I have leas contact with him too which kills me. For me the final straw was when I realised that the way my mum treated me, was how she treated my children. Somehow that gave me the resolve I needed. She wasnt going to taint their childhood, make them feel unworthy, insecure and unsafe. I still find it hard. I still feel her rejection. I still battle the consequences. But I don't fear her anymore. My mother in law has healed me in many ways. Taught me about motherhood, given me unconditional love, protected my children. She showed me how to parent and she was the blue print I never had.

If you tell him why, you may be disappointed with his reaction. I doubt he's suddenly going to see the light and understand your pov. I tried for years to fix my relationship with DP. It was a relief to stop trying and accept that things wouldn't improve. Haven't seen him for 15 years. I definitely made the right decision, but it still hurts and i do still love him. Counselling has helped.

It’s foolish to go no contact. You need to work on your own mindset to deal with issues rather than causing heartache by choosing estrangement.

I went no contact with a toxic sibling almost 14 months ago. My mental health has greatly improved & I'm no longer on constant edge, anxious or worried about upsetting them. Admittedly it happened after a big argument but I knew it was final. I love them but I'm glad we aren't in one another's lives anymore.

You've got to think about yourself@DettyPig

How utterly unsupportive and ignorant. No. Women don't have to "learn" how to put up with heart ache amd mistreatment. Ffs

You can’t mindset your way out of mistreatment. It would be foolish to even try.

We have feelings as an inner guide for what our boundaries are. Ignoring them completely is not psychologically healthy and usually takes copious amounts of trauma to develop that as a coping technique.

Our feelings should be there to guide us along with our rational thinking processes in order to make the best decisions possible. Ignore either part in your decision making process to the detriment of your mental health.

I feel stupid because I’m a grown woman but it just hurts me so much watching him be such a great dad to his new kids when he was such a crap one to me. And his wife…. She hated me from day one and he just allowed her to be so awful to me. It’s done so much damage to me over the years and I’ve only kept the relationship so that I can see my siblings. But I don’t think I can do it anymore. My siblings don’t really love me anyway, they don’t know who I am. I actually had to tell them I was their sister once. They didn’t know.

It's so hard to forgive people who don't believe they need forgiveness.

I gradually went very low contact with my mother after she behaved in an appalling manner after my father passed away (tbh he was a nasty piece of work too). They were divorced and she behaved as if I should ignore the fact I’d had lost my father. It crystallised and highlighted how inappropriate (/role reversal), self centred and inconsiderate her behaviour had been over the years, from the emotional/psychological abuse/neglect of my childhood.
the initial low contact didn’t work (continued to behave in ways as above) so I had to reduce it further for my own wellbeing.
it reached a point of only birthdays and Christmas contact, until she said something like “I’ve never done a single wrong thing, why do you treat/ignore me like this”.
I’m not a parrot. All she has to do is look at our messages (we don’t live in the same country so ended up exchanging a lot of messages). Along the way of reducing contact I raised with her what the issues were, gave examples, mentioned how her behaviour impacted on me, etc, she never acknowledged it and was always very dismissive and invalidating.
the process took 4 years in total, plus the many years in therapy that preceded the start of going low contact - but I’m now NC and much better for it.
I know I tried, but she lives in her own world where she can do no wrong. that’s her choice

@DettyPig sometimes it‘s only when we become adults and have other relationships, possibly some where we feel safe, that the pain of what happened in our childhood comes to the surface.
as children we have no choice but to rely on our parents and our minds protect us from the truth of our behaviour, as acknowledging the abuse/neglect/maltreatment would be too terrifying; what would you do for shelter, food, safety, if you realised your parents couldn’t/wouldn’t provide you with that?
so children internalise their parents behaviour towards them. They go on to believe that this is what they deserve, this is what they are worth. Internalising is the safest option.
In adulthood we are more able to see their behaviour for what it was as we are (potentially) no longer physically dependent on them.
Then when you want to discuss the past and it’s impact, you get told to get over it, you’re now a grown woman, stop dwelling on the past. Your own mind, afraid of what you might find if you challenge what was internalised, and people around you, will tell you that.
But those wounds run deep, affect how you relate to others in adulthood too and, for the reasons above, you are only now able to deal with them and heal. And so be it. You are strong and deserving. Seek therapy as advised by others on here and let the healing begin, whenever is right for you.

@DettyPig thar sounds absolutely awful for you.

One of the things I did, not to dismiss my own experiences but to remind myself it was possible, was to remember that there are people who have gotten through hellish starts and made their way successfully in life and to strive for that. I’m like the Delboy Trotter of the mental health recovery in that regard, today Rodney I’m going to recover instead of earn millions. That is what I focus on and I do whatever I can to get there.

Very often family cannot help you to recover. They often don’t see the situation as it is because if they did they would have to take a look at themselves and their role in what has happened which mostly they don’t want to do. you have to do whatever you need yourself. Stepping back is necessary going NC is something that needs careful consideration.

@NicolaSixSix I wish there was a like button for your post. ❤️

the truth of THEIR *behaviour!
not ‘our’ behaviour

@Rounddog ❤️

I’ve told him I can’t meet him this week and he’s asked why and I’ve just ignored it. I’m such a coward, I just revert back to a kid when ever he’s around. I can’t bring myself to have the conversation

• *@NicolaSixSix wish I had had this insight long ago x