To feel this down about my life?

[downaboutlife]

I want to start by saying I realise I am lucky compared to many. I have a well paid job, a supportive partner with a well paid job, and a lovely DD. But I can't help how I feel. Just wanted somewhere to get this out to see if anyone can relate as I feel so alone with it.

I've just been off work with my partner for almost 3 weeks of leave (due to our working patterns our days off coordinating is usually a once per month occurrence - as in, one day per month). This time was much, much needed. We went on our first family holiday and had so much lovely time together. And - the biggest bonus - our toddler DD was well the entire time - no sniffles, coughs, chest infections, or sickness bugs. She has picked up one per month on average since starting at childcare 10 months ago. Juggling our stressful demanding FT jobs between us and a sick toddler at least once a month, with no family support, has taken a considerable toll on our relationship and my mental health. We basically just ended up taking it out on each other a lot, despite having a strong relationship under normal circumstances. This past 3 weeks or so we have got on so well and had the loveliest time, no work pressures and a well child.

Basically, It's all made me realise how depressed my actual daily life makes me feel. The thought of going back to it all this morning has reduced me to tears. I know it's just a matter of time before DD has yet another bug when she goes back this morning, and I honestly can't take anymore of that shit. Then my DP and I will argue and take it out on each other again, deciding which one of us has to be off work yet again... then one of us inevitably picks up the bug too and ends up off sick.... and the cycle of shit continues.

Just needed somewhere to get that out. I know being off on holiday isn't real life, I get that. I had to come back to reality at some point. I suppose it's just that the reality is so fucking hard at times. 😔

Anyone else relate? Is this just a serious case of holiday blues?

Yep, holiday blues.
Being off sick with DD should be taken in turns, no deciding who to be off, just take it in turns.

Glad you had a lovely time with your partner and dd. Maybe just maybe you need to take some time to consider whether home life is right for you. What I mean is do you need to change how things are? Do you both need to work full time for example? I know how hard it is to both work full time and I'm wishing I didn't have to because I would like to spend more quality time at home

@KangarooKenny

We sort of do this, but it's also determined by whose meetings / commitments are the most important that working day. My DP also does overtime which helps us massively financially, so we try not to cancel his overtime shifts if we can help it as that wipes out some of our income whereas it wouldn't affect my income but it would affect my workload and stress levels. It's a tough juggling act!

You need to talk and agree to be nice to each other. She won't be a toddler forever, it does get better but you need to be a team.

If he’s getting overtime can you go PT ?

How long do her bugs last? Our toddler DS has had a few but they do tend to be very short lived. Is it worth a bit of a health MOT if they are affecting the whole family?

But I do think two FT working parents with small children is brutal. No judgement and we’ve done it. I found it more came out in DS behaviour. I’m part time now and the difference it has made is immense.

What you are feeling sounds like what lots of people feel at this time of year. I was just unloading the dishwasher and fantasising about downsizing and buying a small cottage in the middle of nowhere and just living in peace doing nothing for the rest of my life.

But it's not sustainable!

All toddlers get endless bugs - that is the same for everyone. Having children is tiring when they're little and IME (I have four) you just have to grit your teeth and get on with it.

Also a three week holiday is amazing - I have literally never had such a long holiday and my children are grown up. It must have been brilliant so it's no wonder you're having the mother of all comedowns.

I suggest you book something to look forward to in November which is always a gloomy month. And maybe add more fruit and veg into your baby's diet, to boost her immunity.

This is exactly what our lives were like when our boys were babies. Both working full time, kids at nursery and getting sick all the time. The usual rows with my husband about whose job was more important as to which of us would take time off with them.
It stressed me out so much that I ended up giving up work and being a SAHM. It's the best thing I ever did. I absolutely loved being at home with them. I went back to work when the youngest started in reception.
Financially it was tough but we saved so much not paying nursery fees we just about managed.

YANBU to feel this way, it is common to feel like things are relentless in these years as there is just so much work + care to be done, there is little time for fun. I promise it gets better - and in the meantime just respect your feelings, plan some small rays of light and try to get a deaw ith your DP that you try to speak nicely to each other to make the average day pass less grumpily.

for you.

This is why I’m off work and DH has a new job so we can avoid this mega stress lifestyle. It frightened me so much during pregnancy we decided to change our set up. Baby is going to nursery from Sept for 2 days a week though so I’m expecting bugs! Can you go PT? I don’t know ‘how many’ bugs are normal at that age - I would think once a month is quite a lot but perhaps that’s normal- I’m not at that lovely stage yet so can’t say but does seem a lot to me. And understandably that’s going to affect your work time! Could she do less time at nursery and a few days with a childminder? Are the nursery on top of hygiene etc. I expect I’ll get flamed for that as I’m sure this is normal! Might that make any difference if it’s the high number of children mixing making her ill so often. Or maybe you could wfh so you could have some more downtime and not such a hectic day to day? There will be some tweaks you can pull to make some changes even if small don’t give up hope! Xxx

It is really hard but can I ask, with the 'bugs' what do you class as "ill"? Ex and I both work ft and if ours had a sniffle or a cough, well sorry but you're still going to childminders (who was fine with it). Obviously D&V or chicken pox or whatever, no, but if we'd kept them home for every sniffle it would have been ridiculous. Obviously it depends on the stance your nursery takes but there's something to be said for building up a bit of tough love . I teach and it's interesting that kids are "too ill" to be in school one day but totally fine the next. I think if you're ill enough to be off school you'd have a couple of days after being a bit sniffy or whatever.

Thanks for all the replies.

She is already with a childminder as opposed to a nursery. Still picks up all the bugs, makes no difference unfortunately.

The illness have included tonsillitis, 3 chest infections, 3 sickness bugs, covid, and multiple coughs and colds. With the latter she's usually fine to continue as normal but the issue we are always up against is that when she develops a cold and a cough, she often coughs to the point of vomiting. If she vomits the childminder won't take her for 48 hrs even if it's due to a cough and poor gag reflex etc as opposed to a tummy bug. Because she has no way of knowing the difference I suppose and a tummy bug can quickly spread to other children, so I do understand her policy. But it is so hard to keep her off every time a cough causes her to vomit.

The other illnesses I've listed have all made her too poorly to go to the childminder's, temp through the roof every time and lethargic and breathing is affected etc. she's ended up in A&E a few times at its worst.

Regarding going PT - I already work condensed hours over 4 days which means I get a day off in the week to look after her. DP does the same so he also has a day where he looks after her. So she's at a childminder's 3 days a week with each of us taking one day to look after her a week. But this has a knock on effect on our weekends because DP has to make up those shifts somewhere (he can't do it flexibly through the week like I can), so he works extra weekend days. This squeezes any family time we should have on weekends to next to nothing.

Someone commented that 3 weeks off together is a lot. I agree. But - if you consider that on an average month as a family we have between 1-3 days off all together (instead of the usual 8 days that most families will get if they have every weekend off together), then you can see that actually our recent 3 weeks together was really just making up for how few weekends we've had together this entire year.

A typical good month would be:

Week days: none off together
Weekend 1: 1 day off together, DP works the other day
Weekend 2: DP working all weekend, no days together
Weekend 3: DP off all weekend, 2 family days together
Weekend 4: DP working all weekend. No days together.

A "bad" month is 1 weekend day of the entire month together.

It's pretty tough.