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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

IN LAWS

26 replies

AnxietyLevelMax · 22/08/2022 22:33

I don’t know where to post it. There is no “in laws” section. 🥴

PIL are coming soon for over a week. It makes me so anxious! Since we have a baby there are constant issues and I am the black ship of the family. It would be best if I give them my baby to raise and we can work our asses off to get our finances in check (we are struggling little bit due to many reasons). They actually offered that, no other help was actually offered and it was a huge issue when I rejected their helping hand.

we had many situations which I don’t want to talk about because I am afraid it might be outing but I am so worried! They will be observing me, watching me with my child, criticising and twisting whatever i say around.. they just know everything better.

We have a routine in place and our child hates it when it is changed. We do not watch tv at all and I know they will be watching not appropriate movies for our toddler to see. They will actually try to flip our lives around so it suits them best.

Please do not advice how to stand up, I did many times, it ends up in a nasty arguments, no contact, guilt trips etc. I have a lot going on right now and dont need an extra stress!

OP posts:
Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 22/08/2022 22:41

What advice are you wanting then?

The situation sound very uncomfortable and difficult for you. Does you partner not have anything to say about how they treat you.

moose62 · 22/08/2022 22:43

If you don't want advice on how to stand up to them, what are you hoping to gain from this post?

Nanny0gg · 22/08/2022 22:43

What advice are you looking for then?

Sittingonabench · 22/08/2022 22:59

It ending in no contact may be a good thing from the sounds of things?

Original poster
AnxietyLevelMax · 22/08/2022 23:03

I am not sure I know what I need/want. My husband stands up for me every time and is a great support. We have tried so many things to have alright relationship but it is just not working and it is awkward now.

OP posts:
Creepymanonagoatfarm · 22/08/2022 23:05

Cut the plug off the TV?

YesitsBess · 22/08/2022 23:08

Then rescind the invitation.

parietal · 22/08/2022 23:12

when you say the criticize and twist things, can you just pretend not to hear? I mean literally ignore them if they say anything negative. if they aren't shouting, just act as if it didn't happen and don't take it to heart.

So MIL says 'Oooh, I wouldn't feed him apples, he should be watching BadMovie instead'
and you just go about your day as if she didn't speak. More importantly, don't let it get to you emotionally. just let her words drift by without sticking to anything.

wherearebeefandonioncrisps · 22/08/2022 23:13

If your in-laws were to post a thread on here, what would they say?

Outlyingtrout · 22/08/2022 23:16

Why do you want a relationship with them?

Would the potential difficulties of going completely NC be greater than the anxiety and stress caused by actually maintaining a relationship with them?

PrincessScarlett · 22/08/2022 23:18

If your other half stands up for you and is supportive that is half the battle. I would rescind the invitation or reduce the number of days they are staying to just a night or two.

Isaidnoalready · 22/08/2022 23:18

Smart plugs your TV can "malfunction"

Seriously though why are they staying with you for a week when they don't even like you 🤔

buckeejit · 22/08/2022 23:19

They sound fucking awful. I know you don't want advice but if you were thinking outside the box, would you find any enjoyment in e.g. removing the TV? Printing house rules, (you can pretend they were needed for other visitors but think everyone should agree to them), wear earphones when they're there so your don't hear the BS.

Good luck, great that your dh speaks up. Make some rules/code words or boundaries together before they arrive & support each other. Good luck Flowers

Quitelikeit · 22/08/2022 23:22

Do they have to stay?

it’s tricky I mean watching tv is a harmless thing providing it’s not Freddy Kruger, however I guess you don’t want people questioning your decisions but equally if they are no risk to your child why question theirs?

take some wisdom from me, try not to go to war with the in-laws, it never ends well, causes the anxiety and dread you are feeling now and will also upset your dh

keep them at arms length, if they visit ask them to book a hotel or instead visit them and leave after 45 mins or send your dp to visit with the child

also grandparents can add a lot of value to a child’s life, ask yourself if they are capable of adding good things and look at yourself also to make sure you are not being too difficult

Houseplantmad · 22/08/2022 23:23

Book a hotel for them. No need to go through all this aggro.

OnaBegonia · 22/08/2022 23:24

Why allow these people to stay in your home? Say no!

Brigante9 · 22/08/2022 23:31

Tell them to stay in a hotel.

Summerfun54321 · 22/08/2022 23:33

PIL are coming soon for over a week.

Why?! Who thought that was a good idea? Me and my in laws and my DH and my own parents all get on well but one night hosting them is enough. Unless you live in a mansion with servants and a separate guest wing, it’s totally fine to refuse to host others for a week when you have young children.

Aquamarine1029 · 22/08/2022 23:36

If your husband is so great, why are they staying in your home? Honestly, it doesn't seem as if you really want help. There's loads you could do but you're just burying your head in the sand. You think these people have power over you. They don't, unless you give it to them.

creamwitheverything · 22/08/2022 23:38

I would suggest you stop them coming all together. I am not one for ultimatums generally but if it is that bad then I would be saying if they come I am moving out with the child and I will return home when they have gone. And i would carry it out too, but thats just me! No one would disrespect me in my own home ever.

chillipenguin · 22/08/2022 23:38

Put them up in a hotel.

Original poster
AnxietyLevelMax · 22/08/2022 23:38

They want to spend time with the grandchild they say, we let my parents stay with us, we already agreed, so cannot go back now and tell them to stay in the hotel.
i will do my best to ignore them @parietal but cannot believe everyone will keep their cool for over a week. they will probably provoke my husband.
it is just upsetting as everything was fine until the baby and then how dare I do some things not as they want me to do. (And i proved them they are not always right, and as a mom, even though first time mom, i might now thing or two when it comes to my baby)

OP posts:
Summerfun54321 · 22/08/2022 23:39

I am the black ship of the family.

I’m compelled to point out it’s “black sheep” …. sorry for the interruption. Carry on.

StClare101 · 22/08/2022 23:39

If your husband was really standing up for you he wouldn’t allow anyone who was rude to you stay. Tell them to go to a hotel. Or you and your DC go to a hotel.

Original poster
AnxietyLevelMax · 22/08/2022 23:42

@Summerfun54321 oh lol! Haven’t even noticed that. Some might be a black sheep, I am
a black ship 😂

OP posts:
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