Wanting to cut sister out of my life

[ellie09]

I have 3 sisters, all younger. I've only really had issues with the one just below me, she is almost 25 and I'm 29.

She has always been a bit self absorbed and selfish. I despised her during her teenage years as she ran away from home frequently, stole money from family members, hit my mum and told lies to almost everybody - included lying about being pregnant, overdosing etc. From about 15 to 19 , I didn't really speak much with her as it just angered me.

We made up a bit after that but tensions now and again come back up and I question her ability to be a good mother to her 2 year old often with choices she makes.

She is constantly after money. She doesnt work and relies on benefits. She will ask me, my mum and other family members for cash frequently with little thanks for it as she just expects you to give her it. She says its for electric, gas, food, yet she will be treating herself to hair extensions, new outfits, new trainers etc and neglecting her bills. She uses her child as a way of getting pity "she needs fed, she needs heating". Ive had many an argument with her that all those things come after paying bills.

There is a strong stench of weed from her house very often, which I assume is from her. Which I also assume the money is going towards also.

Other family members will also give a helping hand to me as I live on my own and work 50 hours a week. My mum helps with childcare, for example and my sister asks why my mum isn't doing the same for her. My grandad recently gifted me his old sofa as he was getting a new one and she huffed as she didn't get it (she got a new one bought for her a few months ago). She also found out my grandad gave me £100 towards LOs uniform as I was skint after paying almost £1000 to fix my car (I didn't ask for this money BTW) and asked my mum why she didn't get any (she gets £100 a month from my grandad "to help her out"

Anyway, things have been heightening up recently as she's moved in a new fella to her house after the 2nd date. No one knows him. She kept it very quiet the fact he moved in and I had something to say about given the fact she was looking after my LO as well. I didn't want him being in her house with someone I don't know or trust (her previous ex's have been domestic abusers, drug dealers etc)

I reduced the amount she would look after him due to this while trying to find other arrangements. Its the first time in a few weeks she was asked to look after him for 3 hours. She originally agreed then last minute, changed her mind. She's told my mum I expect things and she's putting herself and her "family" first and refusing to help me anymore. I'm assuming its because she has gotten bitter due to the issues above and also the fact she has a new man on the scene so no longer wants us around.

She's posted up posts and quotes all over her facebook obviously aimed at me, about people being selfish and inconsiderate and moving on without toxic people etc, and I'm sitting wondering what on earth I have done wrong.

I am wondering is it worthwhile to continue this relationship with my sister in the long term. She clearly does not want me bothering her, so do I not reach out again and just leave seeing her at family events only?

I've gotten to that stage in my life where I want as little drama as possible and I was going to just delete her off my facebook so I'm not seeing these posts and just leaving her to it. I'll not be rude when seeing her etc, but I just want to limit contact to as little as possible.

Does this seem reasonable given her behaviour or am I being too harsh?

Cut her out if you want, but you both sound as dependent on your family for things.

She sounded absolutely awful as a teenager but now you're both grown, you both sound just as dependent on family as each other.

Why has she been looking after your child for you if you dislike her so much?

YANBU with her new boyfriend, that sounds like a massive risk for her poor DC and that would really concern me. I wouldn't just cut down your child going there, I'd stop it full stop.

Why is she looking after your child if you don't like her 🤔

Sounds perfectly reasonable. She is not a nice person.

Another one not understanding how she is looking after your child? She doesnt sound like a person I would want anywhere near mine.

If you want to reduce contact, do so. But I also don't get why you let her look after your child feeling the way you do?

Was she abused?

Just to clarify, she had matured a lot after having her LO two years ago, in this time until recently, she didn't have a fella either and was single. I have found from the past, when she is single, she is a delight but when she has a relationship, the issues start coming up again.

In the 2 years she was single, she never went near drugs, was always wanting to go out on trips with you, looked happy to see you and seemed to be handling motherhood really well and seemed to have a real love and affection for my child.

When she's in a relationship, it switches. She suddenly disengages with everyone else, she starts picking fights for no reason, and pushes you out of her life. I've noticed the last week in particular when we have seen her, she just doesn't want to be around my LO and practically pushes us out the door if we visit.

She's been minding my LO for about a year after I seen she matured and was a great mum to her LO and also wanted to help her out by giving her a few quid when she did look after him. There have been a few squabbles but nothing major, and its all came up again the last few weeks only.

It just seems to be like a cycle. It comes and goes and it's mentally exhausting sometimes when she goes through these stages in her life.

I want to have a close relationship with her but she makes it really difficult to do so when any time she has a partner, she just wants to live in her own bubble and throw you to one side, unless she wants something, like money for example.

It doesn't sound like she picks very good men. In that case I would be backing off for the sake of my child. I wouldn't want my child in and out of their aunties life depending on whether she's single or not and if she was in a relationship I wouldn't want them around the kind of people it sounds like she dates.

Yeah, I was giving her the benefit of the doubt that she had finally changed for the better but the last few weeks have proved not.

Its not just with me either, she snaps at everyone, makes cruel comments etc. My family does so much for us both but she will criticize and start arguments over very small things.

We were at a BBQ 2 weeks or so ago, when her child started choking, so my grandad lifted her and effectively stopped her choking then got shouted at by my sister for doing this, and taking the food off her. Saying "I'm her mother, I know how to parent and she can keep eating. You shouldn't have helped her until she turned blue"

Weird way to thank someone for stopping your child choking to death and shouting at someone like that who supports you financially, out of love only.

She continued belittling everyone that day, and its just escalated from there - being unnecessarily cruel to everyone.

She sounds like she has CPTSD from some kind of childhood trauma.

Could she have been sexually abused?

Both sound as bad as each other.

Ps the picking fights. Sounds like she has abandonment issues. Usually this is formed in childhood.

I don't believe there was any sexual abuse in childhood, as our dad died when she was 2 and I was 5 and it was only us (mum, dad and 2 kids) as we lived with other military families. My dad was away a lot so it was just me her and my mum.

When my dad died, my mum was single until I was 10 when she met my step dad and lived in the same house, shared a room with her and I haven't noticed anything until 14 when I moved in with my grandparents. At this stage we had 2 other half sisters.

All you have done is criticise her yet rely on her to mind your child, just a bit hypocritical.

You question her ability to be a good mother but leave your child with her. Ok.

Why would you send your child to be minded in a house that sticks of weed?

You all sound like you need to grow up. You’re nearly 30, stop relying on your family for childcare and money and everything else. Instead of deleting your sister off Facebook, delete Facebook. Take charge of your life and live independently and then you won’t need to worry about your sister.

My LO does go to a child minder. I rely on childcare from family when childminders is on holiday (like the past 2 weeks) and in my unsociable working hours (I can start early and finish late). Family make up about 10% of the care, 90% is with the childminders

A lot of comments saying im also financially dependent on family. I am not.

I work 50 hours a week, reasonably paid. I Don't ask for money. I went home today for example and an envelope with the money in it had been left in my house while I was at work. I was given the sofa as a new one had already been purchased so I took up the offer for it before it was auctioned. Any time I receive money from family it is given to me in my house when I'm not in, as they know I wouldn't accept it if handed it.

The few hours a week I rely on my family members for childcare, I actually pay them. I give my mum money towards fuel and food for LO if she needs to make him dinner, and pay my sister a set amount agreed if its a few hours (usually £25-30)

I would be VERY worried about her having moved in a man who she's known for such a short time, particularly as she has a young child herself. What does your Mum / Grandad think about this? Can't you just speak to her, sister to sister, and tell her that you love her when she's on her own, but every time she gets involved with a man, she starts behaving badly, and now that she has a child of her own, she needs to think very carefully about who she introduces to him/her, as having known the current man for such a short time, he could be anyone, and have a police record for all she knows. Point out to her that this man could hurt her child, abuse him/her, and that she can't possibly know him well enough after such a short time, to know that even she is safe with him.

However, if you can't do that, then I think if I were you I wouldn't bother keeping in touch with her, as she sounds like more trouble that she's worth.

House smells of weed? Alternative child care needed?

Cut her out of your life and also your child's. I have no idea after everything you've said about her growing up and how she's been you even contemplated allowing her to take care of your child even if it is for only a few hours.

What is going on with people resurrecting zombie threads! 😵‍💫