To be angry all this time later about my parents divorce?

[ALittleBitShit]

I'm early 30s, my parents separated when I was around 11.

There were a number of issues but cheating was one of them (no abuse or violence though).

I'm not angry that they got divorced.

But I'm angry with the way they acted during and after. And actually with the parent that was cheated on more so!

As a child I was told everything, every single detail. All the details about the affair, everything said parents thought about each other, I wasn't allowed to discuss what I was doing with one with the other to the point if, for example, one parent had told me something or taken me somewhere and I wanted to talk about it to the other, I'd make up that I'd been with someone else because I was scared of bringing them up even just mentioning their name.

In every other way they were good parents. But I'm still so angry about this. Things have definitely calmer down now and are better between them but I harbour so much bitterness about this.

I could have written this exact post!

My parents divorced when I was 10 due to my mothers affair.

I heard all the arguments, the swearing all of it. I was officially told nothing by them but I heard everything anyway.

My dad moved an hour away and started again but the recession led to his business failing and he died of what I think was a stress induced heart attack when I was 18.

My mum to this day will make deriding comments about him and their marriage and I loathe her so much for it.

My childhood ended that day because she couldn't keep her legs closed.

Are you me 😂

Genuinely the exact same over here. It's shocking - I try to console myself by telling myself that it's my parents first time going through life too and they didn't know any better, but it doesn't take the pain away.

Are you still afraid to bring it up?

What would happen if you said “actually, in my adult and considered opinion you behaviour was complete bullshit” and then just had it out with them.

what do you want them to do here? They can’t actually do much more than apologize and that would be a good thing. But the rage seems pointless (and if I might say so, quite unfair that you have given a free pass to a cheater.)

Oh god yes I hate parents who tell their children inappropriate details.

My parents didnt divorce but probably should have done, but I remember as young as 10 being told about their rubbish sex life and how bad my dad was in bed etc etc

They would have arguments and one would come to me and try to convince me that they were right, then the other would come to me and try to convince me they were right and they would tell me all the details, but if I told them anything each other said I would get into trouble so I had no one to off load to about it, I just had to take all their burden.

Then as I got older they would insist I had an opinion in the argument and then I would get accusations of ganging up on whichever parent I didn't agree with.

Shitty shitty parenting, I feel for you OP.

I didn't give a free pass to a cheater. But who cheated on who is not something that should matter imo when you're talking about your kids. It was the parent who was cheated on who was much worse about telling me everything and making extremely negative comments about my other parent to me, that's why I feel angrier about that. The cheating parent has apologised multiple times, the other never has and doesn't think they were wrong.

It's awful being cheated on and I don't blame them for being hurt by it and upset. But it wasn't my burden to take as a child.

They wouldn't even contact each other about me. At 11 years old I was responsible for getting myself to and from my parents respective homes. To this day I don't think they've ever spoken since then apart from when I broke my arm a year or so later just to quickly tell the other I was in hospital.

If they were dropping me off at one parents house I'd be told I mustn't let them come to the door, or the street, as if it was up to me to police what they did.

I get you. My parents were pretty crap but this is one thing they did well- they never badmouthed each other to me. And I appreciate that, it meant I had a chance of a relationship with them both.

Look up emotional parentification x

I witnessed first hand my mothers affair which was horrific and was then expected to be complicit in keeping it a secret - like others details of their sexual lives were shared to justify their behaviours. I’ve struggled with it so much and have had therapy several times.

Yes I was also expected to keep secrets. I remember not doing once and so the parent who's secret I was supposed to be keeping told the other something I'd told them in confidence as a "punishment". I literally was just a pawn at the time.