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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I know IABU but a thank you would be lovely...

19 replies

Tracktly · 22/08/2022 16:05

Will try to keep it simple - basically I improved the front of my property to make it look nice & be easy to maintain.

Neighbour (semi detatched, attached with them) said how lovely it looked. Now, this is where I know I'm being unreasonable - I offered, if she wanted, to improve a shared area at the front between us (that doesn't have a clear boundary so I'd left that to avoid any issue). So I offered. And I suggested she have a think over a few days to be 100% sure, so no pressure.

She came back and said yes, great, that she finds it a huge pain to maintain and loves how much better it'll look. End of convo.

It was a lot of work, more materials etc, but it was finished last month and it looks great. I'm happy to pay and do the work because it improves the kerb appeal and will be selling my house soon anyway!

So I offered, it suits me, and I'm happy - so why is is grating on me that she hasn't even said thanks?! Am I being totally ridiculous thinking a knock on the door and 'cheers, looks great!' would be nice?! But nothing!

I've been brought up with a big emphasis on manners so this is probably a me-problem. Or maybe she hates it 🤔 🤷

OP posts:

Kite22 · 22/08/2022 16:41

I don't know your neighbour, but if I were her, I would just say it when I bumped in to you.
I wouldn't come and knock the door especially.
I would also presume that you had done it because you wanted to, and that, as the neighbour, I were "allowing it" rather than needing to "appreciate" you doing it - hence the fact I would probably comment when I happened to bump into you rather than disturb you specifically.

Original poster

Tracktly · 22/08/2022 17:17

That makes sense!

I've seen her a few times but just had our normal 'hello!' So there's definitely no 'cheers!' coming...maybe I'd like a thank you because then I'll know she likes it?

OP posts:

JimJonesLivesInMyHead · 22/08/2022 17:36

It's grating on you OP because the simple fact is that good manners cost nothing.

My mom drummed this into us as kids and she was 100% right to do so.

But one of the hardest lessons I've had to learn as an adult is that not everyone has basic standards of decency and politeness. It still drives me mad when people can't say a simple thank you. There's no excuse.

Your neighbour is bang out of order. So don't feel bad for feeling bad. And keep on being the nice and thoughtful person you are. We need more people like you in the world.

Johnnysgirl · 22/08/2022 17:37

You're not really being unreasonable at all. Most people would have responded positively to that. She hasn't been away, I suppose?

Johnnysgirl · 22/08/2022 17:38

Oh sorry, you said you've see her. Odd.

SlickShady · 22/08/2022 17:40

All you people who voted YABU, you're the reason society is shit.

CleopatrasBeautifulNose · 22/08/2022 17:44

Neighbour said it would benefit her so whether or not you offered and it suits you it is good manners to say thanks. She hasn't bothered.
It's not earth shattering but that would irk. It's the small courtesies that oil the wheels of smooth relations between people and keep life nice.
I'm with you op, I would have said thanks and appreciated your effort. At least you're moving, let's hope your new neighbours have more care for their manners.

Original poster

Tracktly · 22/08/2022 21:48

Thank you very much for your replies!

I know I'm repeating myself but I've been brought up to just show appreciation because it costs nothing - I know if the roles were reversed, I'd be buying her a bottle wine or flowers and making sure I did say thank you. Maybe I'm old fashioned?

OP posts:

chillipenguin · 22/08/2022 21:50

I would expect at least a thank you. Preferably a thank you that looks so much better.

Maybe she doesn't like you

Original poster

Tracktly · 22/08/2022 22:00

chillipenguin · 22/08/2022 21:50

I would expect at least a thank you. Preferably a thank you that looks so much better.

Maybe she doesn't like you

That's what I'm wondering!

She hugely fell out with the previous owners of this house so I wonder if we've inherited her dislike from them 😒

OP posts:

mycatisannoying · 22/08/2022 22:02

She was rude. YANBU at all. I'd have given you a huge thanks, with treats!

Aconitum · 22/08/2022 22:04

Maybe she doesn't like it.

Wineat5isfine · 22/08/2022 22:18

I’d be tempted to ask her if she likes it - and offer to put it back to how it looked if not. See if she is actually grateful / likes it?

Will it need upkeep?

PhatPaws · 22/08/2022 22:22

Does she live on her own? If not could she think that her partner has said thanks already?

Or maybe she doesn't like it.

Original poster

Tracktly · 22/08/2022 22:41

Wineat5isfine · 22/08/2022 22:18

I’d be tempted to ask her if she likes it - and offer to put it back to how it looked if not. See if she is actually grateful / likes it?

Will it need upkeep?

I know! But she said she loved what we'd done with our side, which was already complete - so she could see the exact finish.

No upkeep whatsoever.

OP posts:

Original poster

Tracktly · 22/08/2022 22:42

PhatPaws · 22/08/2022 22:22

Does she live on her own? If not could she think that her partner has said thanks already?

Or maybe she doesn't like it.

She doesn't have a partner, as far as I'm aware!

OP posts:

Geansai · 22/08/2022 23:24

My neighbour asked me could they put flower boxes along our shared path and our side to compliment theirs. They had done it with the previous owner. Of course I said yes. I thanked them with a voucher - a token amount.

AssignedSlytherinAtBirth · 25/08/2022 10:11

Thanking you has maybe just slipped her mind. I am getting over long covid and this happens to me all the time. I'd probably see the garden, think."I must thank her!" and then get distracted and forget for three weeks.
Maybe mention it - the garden looks better now, doesn't it? - and see what she says?

Mintchervilpurslane · 25/08/2022 10:25

YANBU to expect a thank you op. She is the one being rude.

But there appears to be a prevailing attitude nowadays that if you offer to do something, or you do something nice for someone else, then that's on you and it is assumed you get some sort of payback from it so no thanks necessary! People seem to be threatened somehow by kindness and assume you have an ulterior motive. It's depressing and sad.

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