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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Inlaws - holiday

27 replies

Snickerdoodle17 · 22/08/2022 14:38

We are going on holiday later this year for a week with my mil and sil. It's a destination we were planning for some months and we've invited mil as it's somewhere she's wanted to go to for a long time and wouldn't go on her own. We invited sil as company for her.

I'd envisaged that while we'd spend some days together, and obviously evenings as we're all in the same cottage, we'd also go off and do our own thing (with our kids) on a couple of days, hence hiring 2 vehicles. However it seems this is not their impression at all: they want to all spend the entire time together, all doing the same thing all the time; even hiring 1 car so we're glued together! The cottage is small too so I just think it's too much.

My own fault for not making it clear before we'd all agreed on the trip. DH agrees but wants an easy time and not to offend them, but I think we need to spell this out to them before, otherwise the holiday will be very claustrophobic. Tbh I'm starting to wish we hadn't asked them to come.

Aibu and do I need to suck it up and accept we're going to be doing every single together or ainbu and we should tell them asap?

OP posts:
Winter2020 · 22/08/2022 14:49

Tell them that your priority will be making time for things that suit the children whether that's water parks, beach all day or if child is not themselves etc taking a day off from the sun.

They need the option to go do their own thing if they don't want to do what your kids want to do - and their own car.

It is easy for them to say they will be happy to do whatever your kids want but in reality when your kids want to go to the pool party and they fancy the lace market and looking round a church (or whatever applies) you will feel obliged to drag your kids round and resent it.

If they really refuse to hire a car tell them that what your kids want will take priority for you so if they don't fancy what you are doing (e.g. the waterpark) they will have to stay at the villa/go out on foot/bus/taxi. If they won't be independent then they at least need to agree that they fit in with you then.

Brefugee · 22/08/2022 15:06

Make it clear now what your expectations are and stick to what you want. Otherwise it's not a holiday for you.

Redshoeblueshoe · 22/08/2022 15:08

How will you fit 4 adults plus kids in one car ?

AfterSchoolWorry · 22/08/2022 15:10

Hah, I would never have signed up for that in the first place!

Runwalkskijump · 22/08/2022 15:17

Brefugee · 22/08/2022 15:06

Make it clear now what your expectations are and stick to what you want. Otherwise it's not a holiday for you.

Doesn't sound like much of one for SIL either

KosherDill · 22/08/2022 15:25

Can you come up with an excuse to cancel the whole thing & rebook a family only vacation?

parietal · 22/08/2022 15:28

i've done lots of multigeneration holidays.

you definitely need two cars - it gives everyone flexibility.

Your plan of a couple of things together and some things separately. Tell them in advance and it will be fine.

Neolara · 22/08/2022 15:29

I went on holiday once with my in laws and they didn't leave our side the whole week. It was the only time we did it because I just couldn't bear it. I wish we had had a discussion before we left to set expectations.

maddy68 · 22/08/2022 15:30

You need to be very clear.

For example say you may want to do your own thing, as we may si don't feel obliged to do everything with us.

We will have to be child centered but don't let that stop you two going out for cocktails etc

BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants · 22/08/2022 15:31

Speak up and talk to them in a calm way and say you need some time with your husband and children a few days to do your own thing and get your husband to talk to them. Not unreasonable at all as you said small cottage and you have invited them so very kind as I would not holiday with any in laws. Book a car for yourselves and sort it before you go and nothing wrong with wanting to do things with the children and your husband as it is also your holiday and time to relax.

Original poster
Snickerdoodle17 · 22/08/2022 15:35

Sil and mil are super close -sil is single and visits her mum loads; rings her several times a day etc - so is very keen to come. The problem is we underestimated how reluctant they'd be with doing their own stuff and driving in a foreign country in wintery weather (I thought sil would be fine with this but she's nervous about it). They want to do whatever we are doing and not spend any time apart, whereas if it was me, I'd be happy to do a mix of activities together and separately. They want to get a people carrier 😑

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 22/08/2022 15:38

The problem is we underestimated how reluctant they'd be with doing their own stuff

That's not a problem or a you problem. That's a their problem. Make your boundaries clear right now. You have every right to want to do some things only with your husband and children. If they think that's unreasonable, then I wouldn't even give a shit if they're upset about it. That's ridiculous.

Purpleforthewin · 22/08/2022 15:39

I would suggest you can all do things together but be clear that

Purpleforthewin · 22/08/2022 15:41

If they are concerned with traveling and driving themselves, you could make your way to places together and then split up for some time so you can do family things and they can do things more suitable for adults.

LookItsMeAgain · 22/08/2022 15:41

You can still do the things you want to do and take the car, they will just have to be content to stay in the accommodation on those days. It's either that or they can hire a second car and SiL can start to get over her nerves about driving in a foreign country.

10HailMarys · 22/08/2022 15:49

If you're going away later this year you've got plenty of time to discuss it in advance, so I would have the conversation now - something along the lines of 'OK, so thinking about car hire, we think the best thing will be to get two. That way, we won't have to do every thing together every day, so you two could go off and do [whatever grown-up thing they fancy] and we could do something different with the kids - then we could have a couple of days where we did a big family thing together' and then start a conversation about expectations.

I wonder if your SIL might be feeling that she's only been invited to act as a minder for MIL all week? I mean, maybe she might quite like to have some days where she isn't glued to MIL?

MzHz · 22/08/2022 15:52

Snickerdoodle17 · 22/08/2022 15:35

Sil and mil are super close -sil is single and visits her mum loads; rings her several times a day etc - so is very keen to come. The problem is we underestimated how reluctant they'd be with doing their own stuff and driving in a foreign country in wintery weather (I thought sil would be fine with this but she's nervous about it). They want to do whatever we are doing and not spend any time apart, whereas if it was me, I'd be happy to do a mix of activities together and separately. They want to get a people carrier 😑

Well you’re going to have to woman up and TELL them!

mil/sil, we’re not going to have one car and go everything together all the time, we’re going to hire a car that suits us and we suggest you either do the same, a little fiat or something or you’ll need to look into taxis/Uber etc. we’re going to plan days out for the kids and it will be just too claustrophobic for everyone to tag along to everything

be clear. Be firm.

gogohmm · 22/08/2022 15:53

As long as they as old with tagging along to your family orientated activities just go with the flow. Perhaps one day they choose (kids can put up with being bored one day). I wouldn't drive abroad myself

PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister · 22/08/2022 15:53

The thing is, that you invited them to come on holiday with you, so I don’t think it’s unreasonable that they thought you would all be doing stuff together.

Equally, it’s not unreasonable at all that you want some time apart. You just need to be clear about the expectations before you go.

You've assumed that you would do one thing; they’ve assumed you would do another. Talk to them .

diddl · 22/08/2022 16:01

The thing is, that you invited them to come on holiday with you, so I don’t think it’s unreasonable that they thought you would all be doing stuff together.

I tend to agree.

PLus the fact that MIL has always wanted to go but hasn't even thought to ask her daughter to go with her.

If you end up with one car-do you think that they'd be amenable to splitting up & meeting up later?

Do you think that you'd end up dropping them off & picking them up again?

Original poster
Snickerdoodle17 · 22/08/2022 16:07

OK, thanks everyone - I will have a conversation with them and make it clear that we want a couple of days to ourselves

OP posts:
rookiemere · 22/08/2022 16:09

You should have clarified with SIL that she was expected to hire her own car and do her own driving, before the holiday.

I'm shortly going away with a group of friends and despite the fact we all drive in the UK, none of us wants to drive abroad so we've arranged transfers and will need to book taxis when we are there.

I'm aware that on Mumsnet it's often viewed as some sort of moral failure if you can drive, not to be comfortable doing so under all conditions and in all vehicles, but I don't fancy spending my holiday worrying about it.

I think you should have clarified a lot of things before you booked. Are the sights/activities you had planned the same ones they would want to do ? If so I think there's not a lot you can do as it seems perfectly natural to me that having been invited on your holiday, they assumed you'd be doing things together.

CookPassBabtridge · 22/08/2022 17:03

There is absolutely nothing wrong with how you want the holiday to be, this is the perfect balance when holidaying with others. So stick to what you want.
However you can't expect others to know this without telling them, so just make it clear.

PaddingtonBearStareAgain · 22/08/2022 17:17

Snickerdoodle17 · 22/08/2022 16:07

OK, thanks everyone - I will have a conversation with them and make it clear that we want a couple of days to ourselves

Does SIL get any time to herself then. It looks as if you invited her to babysit your MIL.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 22/08/2022 17:22

I will have a conversation with them and make it clear that we want a couple of days to ourselves

That sounds sensible, OP, but I'd make it very clear that this is what's going to happen so you can hopefully avoid long faces at the time

Personally I'd have made it just as clear from the very start rather than leaving them to hope/assume, but good luck with it all and hope you all have a lovely time