Is my marriage over

[Namechanged007]

Hi all

Simply my marriage feels over. Been married a few years and its been fine. No major issues. The thing is we have no intimacy at all and are basically friends.
When I say no intimacy, we don't touch, hug, kiss, we don't spend quality time together or anytime really. Sex is a very rare.

We both know what we think are the reasons but don't know how to come back from it or make it better.
The issue is we both work stressful jobs, we have a house we are renovating, we have children who are disabled with high needs who don't sleep well, dogs and other pets. This combination means there is just no time and energy left for anything else let alone a meaningful relationship. I don't think its abnormal when children are young to lose the relationship a bit but my dc are getting older, the thing is with their disabilities they will always need as much care as young dc.

I feel quite lost and lonely. I don't feel wanted or attractive. Despite the above I'm still a person in my own right and I feel I need to be shown I matter. While I say all this im sure my dh feels the same way so I'm a hypocrite.

We barly talk now unless its about dc or the home. No amount of meals out will fix this. We don't have childcare very often due to dc needs but even the once a year we do we are so exhausted any time feels best used for rest and alone time.

Its awful but I have found myself fantasising about an affair, although I will never act on this I would love the attention. I do love my dh and I don't want us to split up but im 31 years old I can't live the rest of my life like this.

Don't really know what I'm asking here.
Just don't have anyone irl to talk to about this.

Sometimes I feel lost too. Every now and again I just lie in bed and reach out my hand to touch his. I know that if I didn't, and he didn't, we could carry on never touching. So I reach out in the dark, and unless we've just had an argument, he squeezes my hand back.

@ICaughtTonsillitisFromAFriendsKid sorry to hear your going through this too.
Maybe I do need to make a move first.

It sounds like you wouldn't have time or energy for an affair either to be honest! I think you need to prioritise some intimacy even if you're both tired before you give up completely. Hope things improve for you

It sounds lonely. To be honest given all you both have on your plate and I am sure the countless things in both of your individual heads it is not surprising.

You know the first step is communication no matter what the outcome. Maybe there is the unconscious fear of opening up Pandora's box, a sort of survival instinct ?Maybe he feels the same ?

I don't have your challenges and recognize I have the privilege of having alone time which in turn let's me enjoy couple quality time. So I imagine if ye can try carve a tiny bit of time for yourself each it may help the communication.q

Honestly it sounds like your marriage is functioning really well. Consider the fact that you've found someone who you can share care of disabled children with, manage a renovation whilst also both holding down stressful jobs. That counts for a huge amount of success!!

I can absolutely see that the intimacy is an issue to resolve, but you can try.

I also don't see how you'd fit an affair in and it would blow everything you've built apart.

Do you ever make the move first? I don't mean for sex specifically, but for the touches and hugs and kisses?

In your shoes I would actively work on the intimacy. Your DH is likely feeling very similarly. If you don't know what to do, go online and start looking for good advice. I think the smallest things can have a major impact and it doesn't have to take any time at all. For me, simple acts have a big impact. The smallest things can make me feel loved and I know they do for my DH also.

Little examples:
Bringing the other an unexpected cup of coffee or tea
Listening intently when the other is speaking
Laying out towels for the other person's shower
Getting their attention when things are tough and just saying "hey! I love you."
Compliments of any kind, even silly ones.
"I ordered your favorite takeaway for tonight!"

Even if these are things we might normally do, stating specifically that I was thinking about him and what he might like can really make a difference. (He does the same for me sometimes).

Laughing together helps so much, too. My DH or I will just do a silly dance while acting very serious, to make the other smile. We tell the stupidest jokes. I don't mean to make it sound easy and perfect. It takes effort because these things are so easy to forget when you are down and life is difficult. But it's the time when you need them the most.

No i don't make the first moves to be honest but neither does dh. That's not tit for tat I just mean that I now find it hard as its so alien to us.

I suppose I should hold on to how good we are doing your right we function well. I dunno I just feel I need more.

I totally understand this. But someone has to start.

if you both want to work on it then I absolutely think it’s possible to turn it around. You have a very demanding life, so would mean both being committed to change. The marriage course (think some offer online so could do together at hone) is usually free or if money isn’t a factor, get a relationship counsellor to come to the house.
Are you getting short breaks for your kids?
make sure you are getting all the help you can.
Parenting disabled/high medical needs children is such a challenge that becomes entirely normalised. I suspect that you are both really ground down and your marriage still has hope.

I don't think your marriage is over.
There are some good suggestions from posters above.
You guys just need to sit down and have a talk and address the intimacy issues and also take steps to fix it.

That makes sense, the thing is after the first flush of marriage, especially when you have as much on your shoulders as you two do, its really easy to let intimacy slip. You fall out of the habit of doing so and then it just becomes this cycle of it never happening because it never happens.

If you are waiting purely for your DH to break the cycle that would be unfair, as you are a partnership. But it sounds more like neither of you are ever considering it.

As much as it feels odd you may find if you start initiating intimacy again (and I am still talking touches, hugs and kisses here) then he does too and then it goes from there.

I would certainly be hard to jump from nothing to full blown sex so you may feel like you need to work your way back up.

If you love your DH and you have as little time and energy as you do it would be mad to go out and have an affair with all the time and effort that would take without trying to rekindle things with your DH first, if you would still like to be with your DH.

Oh wow you have a lot on your plate. No wonder you’re both feeling like you don’t have time for each other.

My kids don’t have the needs your do and still I find that it’s still exhausting and all consuming, especially since we have extremely limited help from family. We were in the same boat in terms of our relationship and I felt like I lived with a house mate. It was really getting on top of me and I spoke to him about it and it really helped as he felt the same. We both still loved eachother and found each other attractive but we were knackered! Also for me, making the first move to create intimacy (just giving him a big hug or telling him I loved him) got the ball rolling. We don’t get any time for each other still but now we at least have the odd early night together!

Baby steps though, it won’t change over night but if you both recognise it’s difficult now and you want to change it then that’s a start.

(Divorcee here). I’d stick at it and if necessary, fake it until you make it with initiating. It’s pretty hard to turn back from friend to lovers once you move to the former but not impossible, and either you need to do that, accept you can live in a sexless relationship, or the Alternative. The latter is nuclear and if you’re both functioning ok for now in a period of intense hardship, it might be best to avoid a rash decision

Reading your thread made me so sad :(
I was seeing a man who was separated from his wife and described the relationship as you have just described - even down to the no touching or hugging etc.
His wife then found out he had moved on and suddenly wanted to desperately reconcile with him but the caveat being the marriage is still as it was before.
He went back for his children to see his children more - a couple of weeks later he messages me to say he's made the biggest mistake of his life letting me walk out of his life and he is desperately unhappy and he should have followed his instinct.
My advice to you - follow your gut.
Unless you are BOTH willing to work at it - it's just not going to work and you will fall further and further into resentment.

Thanks so much for all the replies.
Lots to think about.
I can barely think straight most days but its those late nights when its finally all quiet here that I wonder who I am and what we are.

One dc is going to short breaks soon and I'm looking into something for the other. That will massively help. Although in all honesty I feel distraught about her going as she has never been away from me overnight and I'm scared she won't be looked after properly, which I know is silly. Its distracting me from enjoying a bit of downtime.

Everyone wants to feel wanted. I don't want to put extra pressure on dh or on myself really but I often wonder what it would be like to be single. I'd then at least get alone time when dh had the dc and visa versa and I could rediscover myself. We have joked about it but there is an element of seriousness underneath.

I don't expect to feel like i did as a young woman while dating but just some small glimce of being loved separate to being a mum would be great.

So if you think if you split up that you would each be able to manage the kids for a certain amount of the time by yourself, why not give each other a similar break when you are together.

So you each get a night a week to yourself to do a hobby or see a friend or even just go for a walk whatever you feel like.

It sounds a bit mad now I am sure when you are both so tired, but in some ways if you both got steady regular time away from the children you might be less tired not more.

Then you will have chance to rediscover who you are without kids, and you would both have more to talk about as you have things going on in your lives you can tell each other about?

Yes we do manage on our own with the dc so its a good suggestion. We are stuck in a very big rut but im determined. I think I'm going to talk to dh tonight.

Good I am glad you are going to try

At best (if you want to stay together) you re-find yourself, and work towards better intimacy with your DH

At worst you re-find yourself so that if you do split up you have a social life in place to help you cope

Either is a win right?

I love the idea of just taking his hand in the dark and giving it a squeeze. I think that can say a lot. If you want things to change you have to be prepared to make the first move and put the effort in (although it sounds like you have an incredible amount on your plate so I can understand that might be incredibly tough). But if you can do those little things, hand holding and squeezing and then hugs and slowly bring the intimacy back one small step at a time then hopefully you can build up from there.

Yes the idea of reaching out for his hand is nice. Although in bed my dh would probably take that as a initiation of sex. I don't want to just have occasional sex with nothing in between. That's part of the issue, it goes nothing, nothing nothing sex. There is no intimacy in the sex either its not making love or not how I see as making love anyway.
I realised after posting this that I'd never really considered it to be more than a lack of time and energy but the more I think about this the bigger it grows. He never rings me when we are apart, or for example, he never asked how a recent new job went or congratulated me on getting it, there is little interest in me as a human. I could be any woman living here doing the mundane.

I never understand why more couples don't do this. Some couples seem to think that they have to do every single thing as a family unit even if that is making them unhappy and they would benefit from time on their own to think straight and be themselves.

@Caroffee I think with us its because it makes it easier if there is two people. Its doable on our own but its a lot easier with two. Normally I take care of one dc and dh the other as they both have high needs. We do spend time apart, mostly me with both dc because I like to get out and I plan my life round the dcs needs. Dh takes the little one out alone most as the big dc is harder work.

Thinking about it we rarely spend time as a family unit. Its like I say me with big dc and dh with little dc

You need to be careful thinking about the free time you would have if you and your husband were to separate. He might not want 50:50 - you can’t force someone to parent. So you may just end up with one night a fortnight etc. I agree it would still be free time but it’s not that straightforward. Try to get some free time together. A spa afternoon - any teens in the family that could babysit, an afternoon in the pub or even a walk and picnic. Could you both take a school day off? Good luck. You have a lot on your plate.