DB missing big birthday

[Paintsplat]

I'll preface this by saying I know on MN adults celebrating birthdays is frowned upon, but here goes!

I celebrated a big birthday a couple of weeks ago. When first talking about ideas with my DB, I'd mentioned that I was keen my niece and nephew could come (they are primary age) and so came up with a plan of going to a daytime BBQ event. Its somewhere I would have been happy to go to anyway, but choosing that for my celebrations and it being an afternoon was definitely to make it suitable for them. There aren't any other young children in the family and DH and I don't have children. We'd talked a few times since about it to make sure it was suitable eg the food choices, play area, what time of day etc.

DB messages me quite last minute to say that he's not well so can't make the event. Bit disappointed but these things happen. He didn't mention SIL and the children but assumed that either they were unwell or SIL had her hands full if he was ill.

Through chatting to another family member since then it became clear that DB had never really seriously intended to come, or at least not with niece and nephew, as he'd booked them in to do something else (booked after I'd made arrangements) He was out the rest of that weekend so doesn't appear to have been particularly ill.

So as not to dripfeed, relationship with DB can be difficult. None of us were close growing up and we've tried to make it work better as adults, but probably don't have traditional expectations of each other as some families would. However he has always complained about not having family support with having young children (no grandparents on hand due to distance) but then makes it quite difficult to support as he always expects everything to be his way. He's commented a few times in the past that I don't 'get it' because I don't have my own. I have friends with children and have never had any issues socialising with them, I'm aware things change after kids and I try and adapt to that.

I am pretty sure the flakiness was because didn't fit with exactly what he felt the children should be doing that weekend rather than him being ill.

So AIBU to call him out on it, because he should have made some effort for a big birthday, or am I being selfish for expecting anything when he has children?

Fwiw I realise this might read that DB is controlling - it isn't one sided, SIL is the same in terms of liking things a certain way. No concerns about the relationship in that sense.

So as not to dripfeed, relationship with DB can be difficult. None of us were close growing up and we've tried to make it work better as adults, but probably don't have traditional expectations of each other as some families would

You said this, can't really see why you're surprised

@Cigarettesaftersex1 I didn't say I was surprised, so there's no need for the catty comment. HTH.

I think you explicitly stating you wanted your nephew and niece there may have made your brother feel he couldn't decline the invite.

It's difficult if you don't have a close family, though I agree with the previous poster that it shouldn't be a surprise to you.

Cancelling last minute is quite rude. But honestly as much as I love my in-laws, if my husband was unable to attend one of their events I wouldn't go either, so I don't think its unreasonable that your sister in law chose not to.

Wow some mean replies on here. It sounds like you are bending over backwards to accommodate his family and he’s just not that bothered.
Sorry it’s like that, I wouldn’t really bother with him too much in future and just make arrangements with your nice friends.

I agree with the previous posters - you don't have a close relationship so I probably wouldn't even have invited him.

I don't think you should call him out on it - I wouldn't make much effort for someone I had a difficult relationship with either, sibling/family or not.

And calling cigarettesaftersex1 catty is a bit mean - I came on to say exactly the same as she did.

We didn’t have a close relationship growing up because we were in a household with a lot of DV, so nice family time wasn’t exactly on the agenda. We’ve tried to move past that as adults and do things differently, once we realised how our lives weren’t ‘normal’. So not the same close relationships some families have, but we’re closer than perhaps I’ve lead people to think. I’ve been to theirs for every child’s birthday, taken him out for his birthday, we visit at Christmas, meet up every so often (albeit always on his terms for location, time etc) So inviting them to this wasn’t out of the blue.

I genuinely don’t think he was ill, I think he couldn’t be bothered and didn’t think he saw it as anything important which is the bit that stings.

i hadn’t pressured him with an invite either, he asked me what my plans were before I’d made any and that’s when I started talking about ideas and suggested something that the children could come to. He’s always telling me how hard the holidays are (ideas, cost, lack of family childcare etc) so thought this would be a nice option for them.

I guess I will just make less effort in future (frustratingly will feed into his narrative about how little family help they have, but not much I can do about that)

I have never known any adults to acknowledge their siblings' birthdays, except perhaps to send a card - is this a thing, now? I think most people struggle to remember their siblings' exact ages & dates of birth, tbh.
And absolutely nobody cares about so-called "big birthdays"!
Having said that, if complicated & expensive arrangements have been made - for anything - then it is quite rude to just not turn up.

@Hbh17 you don’t think it’s common for people to do something for a 30th, 40th, 50th, etc and invite family? I’m pretty low key when it comes to birthdays usually, or at least in comparison to what I see friends do on SM.

Re doing something for his, that started when the children were old enough to be excited about birthdays and wanting to do something for daddies birthday, and I’ve joined them for that & paid for a meal or similar. Nothing dramatic but it’s nice to acknowledge. Do feel like a bit of a mug though. I know it’s not transactional but he hasn’t been in touch since he cancelled and it does feel like things are pretty one sided.

I'm not sure I agree with this.

I know all of my siblings ages, birthdays etc and that seems normal in my circle. I find it odd not to know.

Birthday parties on the other hand, no I don't attend their parties and I wouldn't fit my plans around them and their children. I'd choose what I want to do and if they can come then great, if not that's fine as well.

I don’t think you’re unreasonable at all. You made a plan WITH him (I.e not only inviting him but also checking and agreeing all elements of it), and then you found out later that he didn’t really have any intention to come. Of course that’s hurtful and dismissive and confusing. Whether it’s a birthday celebration or not.

I wouldn’t necessarily “call him out” on it because I think you’ll just have an argument and it won’t get you anywhere. I would probably mention it calmly next time you’re making a plan or next time he complains that people don’t make allowances for his family’s needs. And also, next time you’re making a plan, I would clearly (but nicely!) say that you are doing it specifically to include his family.

I hope you had a nice birthday anyway.

Thanks @Trainto, and yes it was still a nice birthday!

In terms of what we arranged, DB talks a lot about how hard it is for them to socialise because of having young children. As I mentioned they're quite rigid about routine, which is their choice I know - just to say that they've never been the type to bring young children to an evening event and have them nap in a pushchair for example, it's always been that they wouldn't go to something in an evening. So the plans I made weren't solely around them at all, but I wanted to do something that felt accessible to them. If I'd arranged an evening party that started at say, 7, I know DB would have commented about being excluded and that I don't understand what it's like to have children etc. The checking it out with him was because I know he doesn't trust me to understand what parents need - he is quite patronising in that respect.

The more I think about it, the more I'm coming to the conclusion that I've been trying to help a situation that he doesn't want fixing, he just wants to complain about how hard done by he is!

You're right about the likelihood of an argument, but next time he complains I will politely point out when I do make the effort that goes unnoticed, and I'm going to stop trying to do as much. If he isn't bothered about the children having a relationship with family I can't force him to be.

Wow some mean replies on here. It sounds like you are bending over backwards to accommodate his family and he’s just not that bothered.
Sorry it’s like that, I wouldn’t really bother with him too much in future and just make arrangements with your nice friends.

^ I agree with this and I also agree that previous posts were catty and uncalled for. Plus, in my circles it's pretty normal to acknowledge your siblings' birthdays. That post was just weird.

I too would be hurt OP but not really sure where you go from here. I'm pretty much NC with my DB as he moved well away and has not seemed bothered by us over the years so I eventually reciprocated the attitude and things just faded away. It's sad but not a lot you can do

Er, really? People have 30th/40th/50th birthday parties all the time, and loads of people do more for siblings on their birthdays than 'perhaps send a card'. Absolutely fine if you don't do that in your family, but it's not remotely unusual.

I don't do parties for my own birthdays because I prefer to keep it low-key, but I've been to loads of 'big birthday' celebrations for members of my own and DP's family, and for friends too - and we're not even very sociable compared to most people.

I included my db in my 30th and 40th birthday celebrations.
I think it was naff of him to not come when you specifically arranged something that was child friendly to cater for his dc. I wouldn’t bother next time. At least you know where you stand.

Being the only one with children at an event is always going to be difficult, and given as you've said that you're not so close, I'm not surprised he bailed out. However, to do so so late in the day is rude.

As you gave it as an example, I would say here that I was never one to take my kids to a do in the evening and let them fall asleep. I'd have opted to have a babysitter instead or not go if I felt it inappropriate to have the kids in tow. Perhaps you could find an alternative time to celebrate your big birthday with your brother and his family just on your own, and work at the relationship from there. Ask him what would work well for him - you may just have to continue to compromise and do things "on his terms", as you say, in the medium term. If you don't have children yourself, you're looking at this from a completely different angle to him.

Making less effort in future as you plan to do seems the right decision. Regardless of the event (I would like to make the term 'big birthday' about as socially unacceptable as socks and sandals), if you don't want to go or have other plans, declining at the earliest opportunity is what should happen.

It sounds like you don't have the best of relationships anyway so I think maybe it was setting up for failure to make so much about the niece and nephew coming and trying to organise it around them.. I honestly feel sometimes with things like this it's better to have no expectations..especially with children involved. If you really want to resolve it I'd be speaking to him and telling him I was hurt and is there any particular reason why it all unravelled as it did..

Personally, I love celebrating birthdays but some family members go ott and honestly, the pressure makes me not want to celebrate at all.. Whereas I know if there was no pressure I'd feeling completely differently about it but knowing there's going to be upset and backlash makes me not want to get involved.

@balalake I would be happy to agree tbf, I just didn't want to say 'birthday' and make it sound like I expect a party every year! And yes, if he had no plans to come he could have just said. He's not usually shy of telling me when he doesn't like something!

@Hillarious why the presumption that I'm looking at things on completely different terms to him because I haven't had children? Are you my brother?
When he said it'd be nice to do something that they could come to I had asked him what would work, and he said daytime, children eat 4.30-5, able to leave early without it being an issue, space to play outdoors. I'd said that if we did that there might be a couple of other children there but not ones they'd know, and too young to be interesting (have a couple of friends with babies/toddlers who came along which was lovely) and said they were welcome to invite some of the children's friends if it made it easier, he just needed to let me know numbers.

They won't do evening things at all because they don't like to leave the children with anyone other than family, and no family local enough to do an evening, so I know evenings are off the table. They are particularly rigid though. If I meet up with them for a mealtime they'll give me a 30min window. Anything outside of that 30mins they'll turn down No SEN btw, it's just how they do things. TBH with their first I thought it was a bit PFB and that they'd relax when the second came along, but if anything they went stricter with it.

Belated birthday wishes OP.

I think you are getting a hard time on here. A big birthday is different. And he asked you what you were doing. I would feel quite put out that I had arranged a day event that would a suit his children yet he had little/no intentions of attending. That is bloody rude. If you had done the same to him you'd have heard about it.

It does sound as if you make more of an effort and are possibly on tip toes for fear of upsetting him. He has no right to guilt trip you. I had my children (twins) a week before my 43rd birthday so I am familiar being the only childless one in a large of friends.

Truth is OP - I think your brother is whinger and he whinges to you about being a parent because it's easy. He is one of the 'Oh it's so hard, oh I am so tired, oh you don't understand you haven't got kids, you have no idea how expensive/long the school holidays are' brigade. As a person with no children, you are an easy target. Every parent feels one of these things at one time but most crack on with it. Others whinge about it. Like your brother. You are quite right - his life doesn't need fixing, he just uses you for as a sounding board.

Personally, I would call him out - or I would let him know that you know he had no intentions of attending with his children. He will probably deny it but right now he is taking you for a fool. He does need reminding of your past efforts though.

@Paintsplat You describe them as rigid. They probably think it's important to stick to a routine. I don't think you can see things from their point of view.

He shouldn’t have agreed to come if he wasn’t going to BUT you can’t force a relationship that both parties don’t want

I'd be pissed off with him too. Totally out of order, why not just say they couldn't make it in the first place.

FWIW I don't think it's odd to celebrate siblings birthdays, it's odd not to IMO. We always get together and buy gifts for each other even on the normal in-between birthdays. Most of my friends do the same.

This is quite sad really. I don't know any adult that doesn't acknowledge friends and families birthdays. A card/a text/popping in to wish then well/a present depending on how close you are

Completely normal in my small world. And big birthdays usually have a meal or small event to mark it.

OP I would be disappointed too. To cancel at the last minute without really intending to come sounds pretty shit, but I guess this follows a pattern with him

YABU IMO to automatically expect someone other than your spouse/partner to put in special effort for a 'big birthday'. (Admittedly I have an extreme dislike of the whole culture of 'big birthdays': no problem with adults celebrating birthdays as such, but hate the focus on age-milestones; so I may be unreasonably cranky here.)

YANBU to be annoyed by his flakiness and cancelling at the last minute.

I sympathize, OP. Whether you mention it to him or not should probably depend on how you think her would react. If it will improve things with him, yes; if not, just move on.

I'm from a culture (Southern US) where birthdays, especially milestones, are a big thing for adults as well as children, so this influences my answer. Happy Birthday, OP!