AIBU to have left fighting teens?

[CommaDonna]

DH has two teens from his previous relationship (well one teen, one pre teen).

They are always squabbling about something and recently this has started to occasionally get physical.

We also have two toddlers together.

I get on with DSC and have never minded stepping in when they were younger if DH was out of the room and an argument broke out but as they are getting bigger (both boys) I find it really difficult especially when things start getting physical between them.

I'm at the end of my tether with it some times to the point I've now completely detached from trying to get involved in their arguments.

I don't want to be on my own with them because of this anymore and have said as such to DH.

Last week a fight broke out downstairs, I don't even know what over, I told them to stop as I could tell it was brewing, asked them to sit apart etc... But it escalated anyway so I just took our toddlers upstairs (DH in shower) and told him he needed to get out and sort it. He thinks I was unreasonable and should have stopped it myself in case one of them got hurt before he could get to them.

I'm sick of it. It even happens when we go out sometimes and it's embarrassing. One of them in particular can be quite aggressive during these fights.

AIBU to leave everything like this to DH now and to say until this issue has been dealt with, I won't have them alone (occasionally have helped with childcare).

Just to add they aren't like major fights where one will be left with black eyes and a broken arm or anything but there are punches thrown/kicks

I'm honestly minded to just ignore any arguments that start now even if DH is out of the room

DH needs to step up here and address the actual root of the issue. They should not be hitting each other and if they can't be trusted not to and DH thinks someone is going to get hurt he should not leave them alone. Is it really a fight though or is it one person assaulting the other? It sounds like one big and one small child?

It is both of them, they both wind each other up no end but it's definitely more one than the other when it comes to physical stuff.

Our DC are both girls so I don't want them seeing it either.

It's not normal behaviour. Don't let your DH try to normalise this.
Siblings squabble yes but getting physical? No!
Getting physical in public? Absolute no.

Your DH needs to sort this.
Is it attention seeking? Do they behave like this at their mums?

What do they do when you discipline them for their behaviour?

Treat them like animals, get an air horn or a water bottle spray and give them both a face full . And I’m not joking! At least the air horn will get their dad running . And I’m still not joking. But no your not unreasonable.

This is so wrong! Actually thumping each other? Mine are in their 20s now so beyond this stage, but they never hit one another when they argued, they knew violence was never acceptable.

I don’t blame you for keeping yourself and your toddlers out of it. Your DH needs to tackle this head on. No hitting anyone, not ever.

This is not the way most teens behave. They don’t need an adult to mediate physical fights to prevent someone getting hurt.

This is a tricky situation because teenagers going through hormonal puberty and also bigger and stronger and not quite a child and not quite an adult.

They clearly need to learn to respect the boundaries of living within a family with young children.

So, step one: boundaries. Both you and your dh create a united front and clearly communicate the boundaries, that it is not ok to fight like this around their younger half siblings. And explain why. Explore the concepts of self respect, respect for others and respect for their surrounding environment. Explore how having healthy boundaries is self respect and respect for others. And explain why it’s important.

Step two. Negotiations. They need to learn how to communicate their issues with each other respectfully and negotiate problem solving strategies to resolve their issues.

They will probably need a mediator to help them. You and dh could look into how to be an effective mediator.

None of this is any kind of guarantee of fixing the problem in the short term. Though it might. Hopefully, in the long term these two teenagers will develop some important skills in communication, getting along with others and building respectful relationships.

Good luck @CommaDonna Toddlers and teenagers must be exhausting 💐

Don’t tolerate. Tell them “ you’re clearly enjoying this at some level; I am not. Take it elsewhere” and if they won’t leave the room, walk out.
If DH is concerned they’ll hurt each other then he needs to deal with their behaviour.

It sounds to me like you have no authority over them. That’s between you and your DH, but there’s no way I’d marry a man with two children and live in a home with them (for any period of time) if I wasn’t a parent figure, and a parent figure should be able to set rules and issue consequences for breaking them. You shouldn’t have to leave a room in your home because two kids are physically fighting.

Which one?