Husbands dodgy friend turning up. Can I tell DH I hate his best mate ?

[Pinksparkleypanties]

My husband doesn’t have lots of friends . He has one friend he has known for 40 years .This friend is a big drinker and pot smoker and is always in a sticky situation but it is never his fault ! This friend makes me feel extremely uneasy. I don’t trust his intentions with DH.

I’ve met him a few times and I can’t understand what my husband sees in this person. He is borderline rascist , looks extremely unkempt, doesn’t stop smoking ( I know it’s dope) and is extremely loud and opinionated. I know he has served time . I know he makes me want to run a mile .

Now this bloke has never done anything wrong to my husband or me . He and my DH chat away on phone and DH thinks he is a great guy in many ways who has had a hard life and learnt from his mistakes . DH and him knew each other from primary .

Whenever I have gone out of town for a few days this friend turns up. DH always says how nice it is for his friend to come and have a cooked meal and stay in a comfy bed and feel at home . DH tells me he feels so sorry this bloke is misunderstood. He will stay the entire time I’m away ( a week or 2!) I’ve been told by my neighbors this bloke was smoking pot in the garden whilst I was away !! I’ve never been one to judge but I don’t want anyone coming to my house and doing that in my garden.

Anyway , I’ve never mentioned to my husband how I feel about his friend . This is because my husband has ASD and as a result has few friends due to his social skills. I don’t want to bash one of his few friends but I believe my husband is vulnerable.My husband works hard, is kind , loving and is a great husband . He has a very professional job . He however finds it hard to make friends . He takes comfort that he has known X since school.

I’ve told DH I don’t want this friend coming over when I am around as I want to relax in my house with the baby but he can go to see his friend - which he would do twice a month maybe .

I explained I don’t ever want DD around this person alone . But I haven’t said -
I believe your friend only uses you for what he wants and is an absolute liability and I never want him near me or my daughter or my home .

Last week , this friend turned up at my house and invited himself through the door and handed me a birthday card for my baby daughter with £50 in .We all sat in the lounge for about 45 mins. He was talking so loudly . Holding court .
Inside my head I was thinking -Get out of my house . I want you out !!!!

He then said - I’ve got a job around the corner. I already knew this as DH had told me and I was so worried this bloke would start turning up !!!

When he finally left he gave me a Hug and said he looked forward to seeing me soon.
I FROZE .

In my head this money ( which I kept refusing ) was his attempt to buy a way in?! It was so bizarre . It made me so uncomfortable.

I told DH - I know you have known X for 35 years but you have told me in the past he was violent and this worried me . I will not ever have my daughter at risk .

DH agreed he would never ever have anyone drinking in our house ( DH doesn’t drink !) He agreed he’d never take out daughter to meet his mate . But he said he would like his mate of decades to be able to come over occasionally .

But I didn’t say-
Why are you even associating with this bloke? DH thinks the world of him . But I know that all they used to do was get stoned .

But I am extremely worried this bloke will turn up again and this is just the start of him trying to get his feet under the table .

Part of me hates myself for judging this bloke who is apparently trying to turn his life around and according to DH is a good Mate and a victim of a poor upbringing !

AIBU to refuse this bloke entry to my house ??

I completely understand wanting to keep your child safe but maybe for the sake of your husband you could give this man a chance. He could very well be trying to turn his life around.

I'd have a 1 strike and you're out kind of approach. My family member has been to prison and he's turned his life around. He is amazing with my little girl. Maybe this guy would be the same. Especially if he's so close to your husband.

You are of course entitled to feel the way you do, however you'll never see him in a different light unless you give him a chance x

@DobbyHP i do think in my head a one strike and your out is a very good option . I think my fear is that If he gets comfortable in our house when I am here he will start coming over alot and this will cause a problem. I know if DH thought I was comfortable with it - he would have him over for dinner twice a week and offer him the spare room to stay in .

I think you're (gently) over reacting. You can't police your dhs friendships like this it's unfair. Nothing you have said points to your dh putting himself of you in any dangerous types of situations. It shows your dhs strength of character that he can be mates with someone for so long and not follow them or what they do.

I'm a bit confused here tbh. Just to be clear in all the years your husband has been friends with him, the is man has never did anything bad to him?

I get why you don't like him. I really do. But there's a couple of things here that don't sit right, why are you telling your husband how often he can see his friend? "A couple of times per month". Even if you did put your foot down and banned him from your home, that's not really up to you - how often he can see him? You talk about him smoking in the garden but does he drink in the house? It sounds like he doesn't do that when you're there?

And what makes you think this man is using your husband?

After a 35 year friendship your DH must clearly know what boundaries work in his relationship with this guy.
It sounds like the friend is trying hard to be liked by you so he must feel the friendship is important, as does your DH.
Personally I would say no to the dope smoking in my home and garden even when I was absent. I would ask DH to clarify the guy is not racist. Other than that I would leave DH spending time with him and get on with my life.

@Greentree6455
I was Saying my Husband would go over once ot twice a month . I don’t mind how often he does there.
I know DH lends him money . I know DH has told me that his mate has been abusive to mutual friends / trashed houses but always holds drink.

I just worry about trouble at my door .

but I might be totally wrong and it is why I am Looking for opinions .

Oh no YANBU.

You have instincts for a reason and this is it. You know you want your DH to have friends and have tried to facilitate that. But this guy gives you the creeps. Listen to that! Be assertive. Say no he can’t come to the house.

What did he do time for? Do you know the full story?

Honestly OP - I get where you are coming from, sometimes we just don't like people. In this instance he stays round when you're not home. DH only sees him a couple of times a month. I would let it go. DH doesn't have many friend and I wouldn't isolate the few he has. He smokes weed in the garden- not great but not a massive big deal.
He kindly and generously bought a card and gave money to DD. I think you're reading way tok much into this.
You've made it clear you don't want him alone around DD and that's fine. But I would pick my battles with this one. Let their friendship be its well over 30. years. Your DH is an adult - a capable one.

Leave it alone

I think you are being a little bit controlling. Its fine to ban smoking (weed or other) in your home or garden. Its fine for you to not have to host, but you can't control your dh's friends.

. What did he go for jail for? You see, That would be the most important question for me. If he went to jail for a violent crime I don’t want him 2 miles close to me and my daughter. You need to find out why he did time before you make any decisions.

OP you only get to set the rules when you or your child are about. So no smoking, swearing, racism etc. Are you, or your family not from the UK? You shouldn't have to tolerate 'borderline racism' and it's fine for you to challenge anything he says. If then he is aggressive towards you, he doesn't set foot in your house again. As said as long as your DH is giving you equal time, it's upto him how often he sees his friend.

I think you can say no smoking weed in your garden full stop. I think you can say you don’t want him staying overnight.

I don't get what it is he has actually done to make you feel so strongly against him?

What did he go to prison for makes a big difference?
How exactly is he borderline racist? I don't really understand that term anyway tbh either you are or you aren't racist.
As for the weed thing just tell him to go for a walk when he wants a joint. The fact he smokes weed does not make him a bad person or a dirty druggie despite the mumsnet mafia proclaiming otherwise.

By your own admission your DH has known this guy for years and he has never done anything wrong.

It seems like you do not trust your dh's judgement and dislike this person and are being a controlling. Your post even implies that this guy is a threat to your daughter....because of feelz..

I suffered far too much racism as a child in the 1970’s and 1980’s . I had an incident recently in a hobby group, a racist remark as an aside was said so I as one of the people that is in charge had to tackle it. All those awful memories came flooding back. I also endured a violent alcoholic stepfather so again my tolerance is very low. You need to find out what he has been to prison for. I would not ask either I would actually search online.

FIL was a racist, he knew he would be banned so behaved. He and I had a weird relationship. He actually cut DH out of his will I do wonder if it was because he had married someone not white.

You have a duty to your DD to investigate and then have some strong boundaries regarding how much this man is in her life.

I wouldn’t want him in the house. It’s all very well being nice and liberal about it but my lived experience means a no.

Sounds like you're being judgemental...borderline racist...?

He gave your daughter £50 and it creeped you out? I don't even know where to start.

You can feel how you like but don't get in the way of your husbands friendship of 35 years....

@Rottenpumpkin @Sunnyqueen

he said he can’t understand Indians at work because of how they talk . He said he has the same problems with the Eastern Europeans . I am not trying to be woke but my grandmother is Indian - I am too by default . I’m very mixed . I just find this uncomfortable.

I say borderline as I don’t know if he realizes his comments are racist .

’ They have taken a lot of our jobs .’ - that’s his line.

I am being judge mental because I don’t want this bloke in my house .

@Walkden
it does sound like I don’t trust DH. I know in the past before I met him he had lent out large sums of money to people . I’m talking thousands of pounds . He went down the pub with people but he was the one buying All drinks .

He took along time to tell me this but I hard gathered it already . I asked him how it happens and he was clearly so so naive .

So , no I don’t trust him. He has been conned twice by fishing - fake virgin media.

He earns a solid wage but asked me 5 years ago to have a joint account as he was always in debt . I wasn’t sure . Finally I agreed and now he is no debts and savings .

@Walkden I explained that poorly .

But through having a joint account and stopping his lending and spending on others he now has no debts. He paid over 20k back. He now has savings.

Are you worried your dh will lend him money from his savings?

You said upthread you were worried about him getting his feet under the table. Try to pinpoint exactly what you're worried about and talk to dh about it rather than banning your dh friendship with him.

Yanbu. And I very much understand what you mean about dh being asd and thus having trouble reading people and their motivations.

You are well within your rights to say this man doesn't visit at home, and certainly never ever stays over. They can meet up in the pub or a park or wherever.

It can be really hard with asd to form good friendships, by which I mean friendships that are truly good for the person with asd.

Talk through strategies with dh to move this friendship to one that happens outside the house. Only.

What did this man go to prison for? I am surprised you haven't said anything about him doing drugs in your home. That is absolutely unacceptable.