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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH undermining me.

11 replies

Broxburngal · 21/08/2022 20:26

Hi all,
Not sure if I am making a mountain out of a molehill. Would be grateful for your opinions.
We have an expensive spare bed which I inherited from my parents. It has only been slept in a couple of times and has sat in our spare bedroom doing nothing for the last 3 or so years.
My grown up DC and partner have bought their very first place together and need to furnish as they were always in previously rented accommodation. I talked it over with DH that I should give them the spare bed to help them on their way. I didn’t ask him though because it is mine. We have an identical bed which is more worn out and has a big gash on the bed end. nothing that can’t be sorted by us. However, when I went out last week, DH had swapped bed ends without asking me or telling me and was going about with a smug look on his face as he thought I hadn’t noticed. It’s not the first time he’s done something without talking it over with me first. A few weeks ago he gave our young neighbours keys to our house as we were going away for a week. Never told me. I found out by accident and my gripe was ….. we didn’t know them well enough to give them keys to our house and anyway, it’s OUR HOUSE not his house and surely I should have been consulted about what he intended to do.
AIBU for being mad with him?

OP posts:
pointythings · 21/08/2022 20:30

I don't know about mad, but I'd be irritated. You wanted to give your DC the bed that's still nice and he did this sneaky unpleasant swap. Not OK.

yonce · 21/08/2022 20:32

Sounds a bit strange personally OP, surely the bed although inherited by you is in your shared house so a shared bed? It's a nice idea to give it to your DC, would they actually want it though? I can see why your DH would probably rather you have the good bits and donate the repairable one to them! Cheeky he swapped it and thought you hadn't noticed, but I'm not sure I'd be mad.

The keys to neighbour is quite normal to me so I may be biased, our neighbours have left keys with us and vice versa when we holiday just incase of emergencies.

Original poster
Broxburngal · 21/08/2022 20:42

@yonce Yes, they do want it and we barely know the neighbours. They have only just moved in otherwise I might feel differently. It’s not so much the doing of these things by DH just the fact that he never thinks to discuss things with me.

OP posts:
yonce · 21/08/2022 20:45

Broxburngal · 21/08/2022 20:42

@yonce Yes, they do want it and we barely know the neighbours. They have only just moved in otherwise I might feel differently. It’s not so much the doing of these things by DH just the fact that he never thinks to discuss things with me.

It sounds like it's perhaps more a tip of the iceberg type situation? Like I said, on those two things I wouldn't personally be mad / annoyed or anything, but I can see if it's the straw that broke the camels back and he's always like that then I probably would!! Does he appreciate why it's annoying he does that, or does he not care? I'd be tempted to do the same back to him, but it's dubious if he'd notice i guess?

Original poster
Broxburngal · 21/08/2022 20:50

@yonce you’ve hit the nail on the head. It is the tip of the iceberg indeed. He’s always doing things like that. I just feel we should be more of a team. He makes me feel that I’m not important enough to discuss matters with. I suppose he will not change now. I have tried to discuss things calmly with him in the past but he takes everything as a personal criticism and blows up.

OP posts:
Cuppa2sugars · 21/08/2022 21:17

my OH does this kind of thing. the man in my previous relationship would always ask me first before he did anything, and he would always want me to ask for his agreement before i did anything. i preferred it that way.

My OH will ask me on the things that really matter. But i’m not too bothered on the small stuff.

if it bothers you, Maybe you need to drum it in to him that you need each other’s consent before agreeing to anything.

thelittleapple · 21/08/2022 21:19

The tightness of wanting to give his own kid the used up household item instead of the unused one would irritate me.

thelittleapple · 21/08/2022 21:20

And I would always want to know who had keys to my home. Not on at all.

CactusBlossom · 21/08/2022 21:22

Wouldn't it be awful if you swapped the coffee granules for gravy granules without telling DH? Thank me later...

Original poster
Broxburngal · 21/08/2022 21:30

Ha ha @CactusBlossom The only problem with that is that he’d call me childish.
@thelittleapple Its my grown up child, not his and yes, it irritates me greatly. I tried to discuss it with him tonight and he said I was abusing him and that he thought we were a married couple and everything belonged to us.

OP posts:
CactusBlossom · 21/08/2022 21:42

Broxburngal · 21/08/2022 21:30

Ha ha @CactusBlossom The only problem with that is that he’d call me childish.
@thelittleapple Its my grown up child, not his and yes, it irritates me greatly. I tried to discuss it with him tonight and he said I was abusing him and that he thought we were a married couple and everything belonged to us.

...but he's not behaving like everything belongs to you both, he's behaving as if it's all his. The bed was not his. He was being sly and smug. I'd be livid if the keys to my home had been given to someone else without even asking me. It seems to be a lack of respect. I bet you would never have heard the last of it if you had given the keys to a neighbour without checking with him first.

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