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AIBU?

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Original poster

At the end of my tether

31 replies

I3mum3 · 21/08/2022 20:25

Any advice welcome.

I have a 12 almost 13 year old son. I love him to bits but he challenges me to the point our relationship is at times very strained.

he struggles to maintain friendships, he has to be right, he has a big ego and can be a bit inconsiderate. But on the other hand he knows right from wrong, he’s very compassionate and can be very witty.

He is having a really hard time following rules in school and at home. I do not let him have social media because the one time I finally agreed he abused it. I found he had been trolling, searching inappropriate content and making depressing and attention seeking videos. One of the videos I saw him posting online was saying he would take his own life.
He had another fall out at school and told the school he had tried to kill himself. As a result I got him counselling straight away and I started to see slight improvements.

he has screen time and restrictions on his phone but he keeps finding the password out and downloading the exact apps he lost his phone for in the first place. He can earn his phone back and two days later he’s lost it again sneaking around to find the passwords so he can get social media again.

He makes me feel guilty saying he needs SM to fit in but whenever he’s on it he’s being problematic and attention seeking.

what do I do??

OP posts:
gwenneh · 21/08/2022 20:29

He can earn his phone back

Why?

He makes me feel guilty saying he needs SM to fit in

Even if that were the case "everyone is doing it!" has never been a valid reason to allow anything.

Ffordecortana · 21/08/2022 20:33

I have a 13 year old boy and two younger ones. Nothing I have seen so far has convinced me that social media is anything other than a pain in the arse AT BEST and it’s now blocked on my router. He has an iPhone and I have parental control on that too. No WhatsApp, no Snapchat, he can iMessage and I get a copy and he has Teams. no YouTube either.

He will get over it. Easily influenced young people don’t have the maturity to deal with this.

Whattodoaboutworknow · 21/08/2022 20:35

Get better passwords.

LizzieSiddal · 21/08/2022 20:36

You need to set out rules and consequences. I’d write them down and put them on the fridge so he can’t say he doesn’t know them.

First one would be if he downloads the apps you disapprove of, one more time, he loses his phone for a week, and you HAVE to stick to it!

Ffordecortana · 21/08/2022 20:37

Why are your settings allowing him to download stuff?

Ac0r4 · 21/08/2022 20:40

There’s lots of red flags for neurodivergence, especially ADHD. This includes his lack of social skills, inability to regulate emotions, impulsive behaviour etc.

It sounds like your right to be concerned about his social media use. I don’t have any advice unfortunately other than looking into ADHD meds as they could transform his life he does have this disability

Ffordecortana · 21/08/2022 20:42

Agree. And even more reason to be draconian about social media

Original poster
I3mum3 · 21/08/2022 20:49

Thank you for your replies.

I have taken his phone for weeks on end before and he’s had it back a matter of days and lost it again through pushing boundaries.

I have parental controls through my iPhone. So when I say he figures out the passcode he basically will very sneakily loiter around when I’m not thinking and watch me type my own screen time password into my phone. Once he has my passcode he can bypass his own screen time as soon as I put my phone down.

OP posts:
Ffordecortana · 21/08/2022 20:52

I3mum3 · 21/08/2022 20:49

Thank you for your replies.

I have taken his phone for weeks on end before and he’s had it back a matter of days and lost it again through pushing boundaries.

I have parental controls through my iPhone. So when I say he figures out the passcode he basically will very sneakily loiter around when I’m not thinking and watch me type my own screen time password into my phone. Once he has my passcode he can bypass his own screen time as soon as I put my phone down.

You can block at the router AND put a screen time passcode just for him. Go into “screen time” in settings and do it there.

For laptops and android there a Family app you can control the same way.

Original poster
I3mum3 · 21/08/2022 20:58

Ac0r4 · 21/08/2022 20:40

There’s lots of red flags for neurodivergence, especially ADHD. This includes his lack of social skills, inability to regulate emotions, impulsive behaviour etc.

It sounds like your right to be concerned about his social media use. I don’t have any advice unfortunately other than looking into ADHD meds as they could transform his life he does have this disability

Thank you for your comment. Reading this made my stomach flip. I have felt this for a while and nobody is listening to me.

I am always on edge, questioning whether I’m being a bad mum because I can’t seem to get him to tow the line. He is so so needy, my younger children are a walk in the park by comparison. Even shopping is hard because he will spend the entire trip winding his siblings up and touching everything he shouldn’t. He gets so fixated on things and it will be an obsession for a while, none of which is appropriate or enriching his life.

He wears me down with his persistent need for attention.

The doctors sent a letter to paediatrics and they wrote back saying they aren’t gonna look at him at this time. That was a year ago now.

OP posts:
Original poster
I3mum3 · 21/08/2022 21:02

Sorry if this is silly, I’m not very tech savvy. How do I block at the router? And would that mean I couldn’t access SM?

OP posts:
Ffordecortana · 21/08/2022 21:04

I3mum3 · 21/08/2022 21:02

Sorry if this is silly, I’m not very tech savvy. How do I block at the router? And would that mean I couldn’t access SM?

Depends on your provider but certainly BT and Virgin do this via their settings. You can also block device by device. Have a look at parental controls.

Ffordecortana · 21/08/2022 21:06

I3mum3 · 21/08/2022 20:58

Thank you for your comment. Reading this made my stomach flip. I have felt this for a while and nobody is listening to me.

I am always on edge, questioning whether I’m being a bad mum because I can’t seem to get him to tow the line. He is so so needy, my younger children are a walk in the park by comparison. Even shopping is hard because he will spend the entire trip winding his siblings up and touching everything he shouldn’t. He gets so fixated on things and it will be an obsession for a while, none of which is appropriate or enriching his life.

He wears me down with his persistent need for attention.

The doctors sent a letter to paediatrics and they wrote back saying they aren’t gonna look at him at this time. That was a year ago now.

Show quote history

SEN mum here. You need very sharp elbows to get this progressed but it’s doable. If you have the financial position to see a paediatrician privately then do that. Failing that, push via your GP and also via school to see the educational psychology department and paediatrician. What are his school reports like? Are you in touch with the SENCO?

Original poster
I3mum3 · 21/08/2022 21:26

His reports are not great. I have his teachers emailing me at least twice a week to tell me he isn’t doing as his told and he’s being disruptive. He starts tear 8 in September and the teachers have labelled him naughty. One teacher said out of 300 children in his year there’s only one other like my son 😭
He’s actually intelligent but he just cant cope in a classroom.

OP posts:
Original poster
I3mum3 · 21/08/2022 21:28

I was talking with head of year but the SENCO has never contacted me. I called her in tears just before they broke up asking why nobody was helping me. She promised to look into it and I never heard back from her.

OP posts:
Ffordecortana · 21/08/2022 21:36

Ok this is what you need to do. First thing is, NEVER speak on the phone. Put everything in writing. You need papertrails.

Ask for a meeting with the SENCO and the head of year and his form tutor and say that you’re unhappy that he isn’t managing and he’s clearly not accessing education in the way he should. See what they suggest and then follow up all of this IN WRITING with action points to make sure that they do this.

Push HARD for school to identify his special educational needs, and to pull in the Ed Psych as a matter of urgency.

Get the school to write a letter outlining what they think the issues are and how he is behaving and take this to your GP and insist on a referral to the community paediatrician for assessment for suspected ADHD/ASD/anxiety etc. Check on the progress of this weekly, and tell school in writing that this is what you’ve done.

If you can lay your hands on £250 ish get in front of a community paediatrician who does private work. This will jump you along the diagnostic pathway.

Find your local Special Educational Needs page on Facebook, and start reading around. “Special Needs Jungle” is a good start.

Youre in for a world of forms and paperwork but you’ll get answers!

Ac0r4 · 21/08/2022 21:42

I’m unsure of the specifics in relation to children but look into Patient Choice to see if you can get the NHS to fund a private diagnosis. Also look at Sunshine Support in Derby, they can support you with obtaining educational support and also run a number of low cost webinars.

My understanding is your child doesn’t need a formal diagnosis for an EHCP to be put in place.

whatsgoingon101 · 21/08/2022 22:02

I work in a SEN school as a teacher and I specialise in ADHD, everyone in my class has it. Mainstream schools just don't get it (not bashing them - teachers are just not trained what to look out for and don't have experience with different forms of ADHD). Your son's characteristics sound like textbook ADHD.

If I were you and you could afford it, I would go for private testing. Medication really can transform kids and whole families lives!

In the mean time do some research on it, try and understand him. Ride the wave, don't go against it.

Worth a shot? 😊

whatsgoingon101 · 21/08/2022 22:06

Also just to add - knowing how these sorts of kids work, focus on the positives.

Eg. Try to get rid of negative consequences. Somehow make it all positive. E.g. if he doesn't hack into something/ go over his screen limit for a set period of time, give him something back, let him download a certain app. Give him incentives and reasons to succeed. Give him opportunities to succeed. And make sure he knows how happy you are when he does succeed.

He won't respond to concequnces but will likely respond to reward.

Does that make any sense at all?

It's what I base all my classroom teaching on so thought it would be worth mentioning just in case it can help.

Ffordecortana · 21/08/2022 22:21

whatsgoingon101 · 21/08/2022 22:06

Also just to add - knowing how these sorts of kids work, focus on the positives.

Eg. Try to get rid of negative consequences. Somehow make it all positive. E.g. if he doesn't hack into something/ go over his screen limit for a set period of time, give him something back, let him download a certain app. Give him incentives and reasons to succeed. Give him opportunities to succeed. And make sure he knows how happy you are when he does succeed.

He won't respond to concequnces but will likely respond to reward.

Does that make any sense at all?

It's what I base all my classroom teaching on so thought it would be worth mentioning just in case it can help.

V solid advice, you sound ace.

Original poster
I3mum3 · 21/08/2022 22:28

I honestly can’t thank you all enough for all the advice and information you have given me. Might sound dramatic but life has been a struggle and with nobody else to talk to your help today has meant the world.

I will follow the steps you’ve outlined and arrange for a meeting as soon as the schools open. Hopefully I’ll be able to find a community paediatrician in the meantime.

OP posts:
Original poster
I3mum3 · 21/08/2022 22:32

Ffordecortana · 21/08/2022 22:21

V solid advice, you sound ace.

Show quote history

This is so interesting because the consequences really do not work with him. There’s been little space for reward but he’s been calling himself names and talking very negatively about himself so I think reward could work.

Our relationship has been, I love you but I don’t like you for a while. Obviously I don’t say that but I feel it. I am always waiting for what’s next so I can never really enjoy the good moments. I will try harder and do more research to understand it all better. Maybe then it will be easier to cope myself and then I can do more to help him.

praying for easier days.

OP posts:
allboysherebutme · 21/08/2022 22:38

I'm really sorry but I have worked with children all my life and I didn't even get through much of the post before SEN was flagging out to me. Please seek appropriate help for him. X

allboysherebutme · 21/08/2022 22:42

Don't wait until school is open also contact your GP for advice while you are waiting. X

converseandjeans · 21/08/2022 22:58

DS is 12 and he is allowed TikTok but it's on my phone too so I can see what he uploads & his messages.

I know some parents open a Snapchat account so they can see what is posted.

Would this work? You could then delete things that aren't appropriate & check his messages & content. This way he can keep up but you can control what he's posting. There's lots of settings on the apps