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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To feel a bit hurt

12 replies

Nenahapple · 21/08/2022 16:17

Trying to keep this short. Elderly dad 79 has been in and out of hospital for the last 8 weeks. I work full time but make sure to call him everyday, visit as much as I can even though its the next county over and do things like his online shopping. He recently called during work to say he needed help as he had soiled his sheets so my husband left work and went to clean him up. I have arranged a care package and both myself and my brother really do our best for him.

I have had a really rough 6 weeks myself with a visit to a&e, anxiety problems, an ear infection and feeling generally run down. My husband and I both work full time. We don't earn much more than minimum wage. After my scare at A&E we decided to get the train to Wales for 2 days for some fresh air and a little break a couple of weeks ago.

Fast forward to Friday just gone and my electric and gas direct debit has been taken and they have taken double from me without my consent leaving me us very short for the rest of the month. I called my dad and asked could I borrow it and he said no. Fine, that's his choice and he is not obliged too. He called me today and asked did I get the money I needed. I said no,but it didn't matter now. I said I was a little upset that he hadn't asked me why I needed it, I could have been in a real bind, needed food etc. He then said I shouldn't be asking for money for food when me and my husband work and he and my brother had talked about it this morning and had been saying why had we gone on holiday. And lots of other quite nasty stuff about me needing to make sure I can pay my bills. I explained the bill was unexpected etc.

He is of course entitled to say that. And not to lend me money. But I feel really hurt by his attitude. I'm not saying he should give me money because I put myself out for him either. Just feel bloody hurt.

OP posts:
Billybagpuss · 21/08/2022 16:25

Hope you had a couple of lovely days away. I’d take a step back for a few days.

pumpkinpie01 · 21/08/2022 16:56

Why didn't you tell him what it was for when you asked for it ?

Nenahapple · 21/08/2022 16:59

I asked could I borrow some money and he said No, I'm not lending money to anyone at the moment. So I didn't see the point in telling him. And he didn't ask. I just said OK thats fine.

OP posts:
Buzzer3555 · 21/08/2022 17:00

I would be hurt too. It was very judgemental of both him and your brother. I hope you enjoyed the little break you had.

Peashoots · 21/08/2022 17:01

So he’s happy to accept support when he needs it but not to give it back. I would consider this.

Tania64 · 21/08/2022 17:03

He is selfish, all take & no give. If this was one of my parents I would go NC.

Sunnyqueen · 21/08/2022 17:04

When he rings up to ask where this week's shopping is you can tell him you've not had time to order it due to needing to do over time and maybe brother can help instead.

Lopar · 21/08/2022 17:08

What do you mean they have taken double without your consent?

It's a direct debit. You authorise them to take the amount you owe automatically.

If it's gone up too much to afford a holiday, that's not your dad's fault.

Nenahapple · 21/08/2022 17:18

Yes that is why I am hurt. My time is also a commodity which I give pretty freely to help him when he's in need. My husband didn't have to leave work in the middle of the day to go and help him. He did it because we are family and we care.

What I mean is they adjusted the amount without telling me, I don't doubt I owe it.

At no point did I say it was my dad's fault that my direct debit went up so I couldn't afford a holiday.

OP posts:
Lopar · 21/08/2022 17:45

I'm aware you didn't say it was his fault; I'm just saying that it's definitely not. And also not his concern to put right.

What you did say was 'my electric and gas direct debit has been taken and they have taken double from me without my consent leaving me us very short for the rest of the month.' Taken from you without consent, apparently actually meant accurately adjusting the amount, which you believe you owe.

You also said you had the holiday. So that, plus a completely ordinary household bill, has turned out to be beyond your means and your dad understands this.

Staynow · 21/08/2022 17:53

Stop visiting him so much, if he asks why tell him you can't afford it.

NewThisSummer · 21/08/2022 18:00

I'd be a bit pissed off with him too. Tell your brother he can sort your dads shopping out for a few weeks.

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