Feeling a bit trapped

[Plouty]

I'm not happy in my marriage. It's my own fault, I over-looked things and was naive, and my DH isn't to blame, as he can't help it.

He's autistic, I didn't realise or know (I thought quirky/different) and I adore his kind personality. But he can be very rigid, and has limitations.

I shoulder 100% of 'life' stuff. I work full time, I do all the cooking, cleaning, finances, insurances, big decisions, small decisions, holiday booking, future planning, etc.

He works three days a week and is on anxiety medication. I just find it so hard to enjoy anything with him. Anytime we have an appointment, he's anxious and grumpy until we get there; anything where we have to be somewhere at a certain time. He has no input into anything - he wants to do whatever I think of/plan. He'd just...do nothing.

I stopped facilitating visits with his side of the family last year and he hasn't seen them since. He's happy to sit on the sofa all evening, every evening. He gets depressed if I'm out the house so I stay in for him.

He has never made effort with birthdays, anniversaries, special occasions, he's not interested in sex anymore. Sometimes I feel like his carer, not a wife. His friends have dropped away because he makes no effort with them.

I have had many talks with him about how I'm feeling but it's just him, it's unfair to expect him to change. Everytime I suggest a trial break or even mention the possibility of leaving, he breaks down - total sobbing breakdown.

He's a good person, funny, kind, trustworthy, so am I expecting too much?

It sounds exhausting. Also that there’s not much keeping you together now, just habit and the expectation of being together because you’re married. Can you see things getting better? If not, you probably need to take the plunge and leave.

This is very, very similar to my DH. Except my DH wouldn’t get depressed if I wasn’t around; he’d probably enjoy it and the break from “being organised” by me. He works FT but in a creative role, and has zero executive functioning skills.
Do you have DC? How much do you want the marriage to work? And do you laugh together?

I'm always hoping it'll get better - we are due to move soon, so it could be this big change on the horizon is exasperating his triggers and making things tougher!

That's exactly it - zero executive function. While it gives me freedom to make decisions, it can be a really heavy burden. DH can't use a computer very well so it's been an uphill battle just helping him manage even tiny aspects of his life. I do feel for him, it's not his fault.

We do laugh! Our morals, humour, outlook, is so similar and he's very patient, he'll listen to me rattle on about nothing! I'm a big talker. I think I exhaust him because I'm very, very motivated and a doer, I want everything done, and I enjoy change. He's laid back, everything can wait, and has no self motivation. He just switches off. I have no off switch!

I wonder if he'd be happier and less anxious with someone else.

No children - we have fertility issues and when offered IVF, DH said no, his reasons were understandable and I agreed. With him how he is, rationally sometimes I think not having DC has been for the best.

When was the last time you felt happy in the relationship? And what makes you think there is a possibility it might get better?

I have moments where I feel more content; just not many! We have had a lot of stress with one thing and another the past few years (but who hasn't though!) so I'd say the majority of the time I'm battling feeling frustrated with his lack of 'partnership'.

I think what might help is the house move - more space for him for his hobbies so he's not just festering - and maybe I need to live a bit more for me.

I really appreciate your replies, thank you.

He can be a good person but a crap partner. It sounds like it’s more of a parent/child dynamic than an equal adult partnership.
No wonder you aren’t happy.
I suppose it’s whether are willing to accept him
for who he is, and then decide if you would be happier with him or on your own.

If you want to try to make your marriage work I think that you should prioritise yourself as a first step. Don't limit yourself because this will cause resentment, so no more staying in because of him if that's not what you want. You don't need to keep him afloat if it's making you feel trapped. You may feel more free and enjoy the marriage more. If you don't then you can decide whether it's best to continue or not.

Just leave. I couldn't live like this. You can remain great friends.

Was he like this when you married him?

My friend went through this, she eventually left after years of being unhappy, her ex didnt cope well after she left, and died a year later. So maybe try and help him get back in contact with friends and family before you leave because it broke her when this happened.

Don't stay, but dont just up and leave.

I don't think the OP needs to be responsible for him. It's not up to her to get his family contact sorted in case he stops eating. He's autistic but that's not an excuse. If he needs a full time carer to stop him just sitting and staring at a wall till he dies then that's between his parents and the council. OP needs to get out. She's just become a free nurse.

...this is why I can't ever leave.

He would either die slowly, neglecting himself, or drive into a wall.

I couldn't bare it.

@Plouty

*this is why I can't ever leave.

He would either die slowly, neglecting himself, or drive into a wall.

I couldn't bare it.*

Im sorry, but you must try.

Reestablish contact with his family. And then see what other support you can get out in place?

It’s hard, OP. But it’s your life too.

Reestablish contact with his family. And then see what other support you can get out in place

They're in contact - but he doesn't see them unless I organise a visit; and now he hasn't bothered, they're annoyed at him. I've tried explaining to MIL bit she thinks it's my 'duty' (because I'm female/the wife).

I have tried to seek support for him, but he doesn't turn up to appointments unless I go with him. When I have physically taken him, he says he's fine and won't talk! He's stubborn - because he can talk, but only chooses to talk to me.

It took me saying I was leaving (bags packed, I had somewhere to stay) to even get him on anxiety meds, he had such a breakdown I had to call 999. I figured the meds might help, which they have, as least he's working now.

Thanks everyone. Guess I'm just ranting, I'm sorry.

OP, look the facts.

You’re not happy, your life is very limited, can’t have sex and won’t have kids because of this man. You’ll look back and regret sacrificing your life for this man child sooner or later.

He’s played a trick on you, making you believe he can’t manage without you. He can, but why would he when he’s got you to do everything for him? He managed to keep himself alive all these years before meeting you.

You can't sacrifice your life for him.

He is capable of change and learning how to do some things differently. He chooses not to. He is still responsible for his own life and happiness and is choosing not to engage with support available.

Where/how was he living before you were together?

Then you've done everything you can, you are not responsible for him, he is not your child.

My friend had an affair and just walked out which obviously didn't help, but then she probably wouldn't have left without the new man's support.

Sort out everything you can and then make arrangements to leave. You only get one life and you deserve to live it as you wish.