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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Would this comment upset you?

22 replies

ChangedName1231 · 20/08/2022 22:00

I need to give some context before I get advice on whether you think this comment from my husband was designed to hurt me or was just an innocent comment as he thinks it was.

we sleep in separate beds, it’s all been his decision. I’ve talked to him about this and how much it hurts me but things don’t change. He has said many times that when we get a bigger house things will change and will be a new start for us. For context it’s been 4 years since we DTD.

we have since sold our house and found a property to move into. We had a good day today and it was lighthearted and nice. Then He started talking about his plans for the downstairs of the house and then I spoke about the upstairs and said we should turn one of the rooms into a playroom so all toys can be in one place and not make a clutter in our living room like it is now. So it’s 4 rooms: one each for the 2 kids, one I thought would be “our” room and spare would be a playroom. Well he straight away shot me down and said “no it’s going to be a guest room and we’ll put a bed there” and he doesn’t feel a playroom is needed! He said the family that live there have a bed there so we should keep it the same.

As you can imagine this comment really hurt me as it’s obvious he doesn’t want to sleep in same room as me. He denied it and said he wasn’t thinking and it was just a comment. He’s basically making me feel like I’m crazy and he just made a suggestion. In the 12 years we’ve lived in our current home we have never had a guest so I know what his plans for the guest room will be. I’m feeling really hurt and upset. He makes subtle hints that he doesn’t like me and when I question it he turns it around to make me feel I’m crazy, AIBU?

OP posts:

thingsarestrange · 20/08/2022 22:03

Do you want to be with him? Does he make you happy? Sounds like he makes you miserable

Interestinghmm · 20/08/2022 22:03

OP are you happy in this relationship? It sounds all very sad having no intimacy for so long. I don't think it's going to change if it's been going on for so long. Are you really surprised that he is still planning to sleep in a separate room at your new house?

Why is it that you've stayed together?

Beansí · 20/08/2022 22:04

Sounds like a terrible relationship! Call it quits?

CactusBlossom · 20/08/2022 22:05

Sounds like controlling behaviour. No discussion on decisions. Gaslighting - making you feel you are crazy. Do you have any cause to suspect he is seeing someone else? Personally, I'd be consulting a solicitor.

Creepymanonagoatfarm · 20/08/2022 22:05

Sounds like he wants the image of a family life.
Is he gay op?

SheldonesqueTheBstard · 20/08/2022 22:06

If both parties are happy with this set up, all is fine and dandy.

You don’t. That isn’t fine.

JulesCobb · 20/08/2022 22:07

he isnt interested. This sounds like an idea time to split up as your house is sold. Speak to a solicitor on monday.

Brigante9 · 20/08/2022 22:08

Why does he not to sleep in the same room? Does one of you snore? I always move in the wee hours so I don’t disturb my DH, I’m a very restless sleeper, but we always start off together. Is that an option?

StressfulBedtimes · 20/08/2022 22:12

What does he say when you ask him why he doesn’t want to have sex with you?
Is he having it elsewhere?
4 years 😦

Original poster

ChangedName1231 · 20/08/2022 22:21

No I am not happy. I feel really sad and alone on most days. I didn’t think I would ever be this lonely. I feel life is passing me by. I feel there something wrong with me.

No, honestly I don’t think things will ever get better. Even if he was to do a complete U turn tomorrow there is so much hurt I feel. Early on in our marriage every single Sunday he used to make me go to his mothers house and sit there all day and I mean all day literally 11am to dinner time , I would work full time and only have Saturday to myself but I put up with it to keep him and his mum happy. I feel I’ve wasted so much of my life. Even to this day he leaves me at home and takes the kids and they spends the entire Sunday with his mum. He thinks this is all normal.

OP posts:

parietal · 20/08/2022 22:22

Don't buy the new house with him. Talk to a divorce lawyer instead.

MerryMarigold · 20/08/2022 22:31

Is there a reason for the separate room? Dh and I sleep apart because he snores like heavy machinery and I'm a light sleeper. It even wakes me from the next room and I need to sleep with earphones/ music. He hates it, he moans, he's lonely - but he won't sort the snoring....I just wonder what your dh's side of the story is as I'm sure mine could have written your post! (Very rarely DTD but maybe more than you).

thingsarestrange · 20/08/2022 22:33

Never to late to change your life. Ask your 80 year old self wouod you should do and go for it. Don’t be afraid, you could create a lovely life for yourself - no one needs a miserable controlling man in their life.

EmergencyHepNeeded · 20/08/2022 22:33

Have you actually got to move into this house? At this point I would be looking to split the money and buy somewhere separate. It sounds such a miserable existence.

Mummysgogetter · 20/08/2022 22:34

I don’t sleep in the same bed as my husband either cause he snores and grinds his teeth loudly, could this be the case for your situation?

Whadda · 20/08/2022 22:38

Time to take back your life, OP.

BrightBlueFlamingo · 20/08/2022 22:44

Don't think this is going to work out like you want it to OP.

emanonsah · 20/08/2022 22:47

I just want to give you a huge hug OP. You sound so lonely and you deserve so much more than this.

Whatever the reasons are, it truly does sound like your relationship has run it's course. Is it time to have this conversation together and ask him what his hopes for the future are and whether you might not just be better off apart? It sounds like you could find companionship elsewhere, not to have even had another guest in all those years means that you haven't even had a friend coming to stay ans you must be feeling so so alone.

I am here to handhold

SunnyD44 · 20/08/2022 22:49

When things were good how often did you have sex?
Were you intimate when you weren’t having sex?

I don’t think he wants an intimate or sexual relationship with you.
Maybe it’s because he’s depressed, asexual or gay.

What you need to decide is if you are ok with just being friends or do you want more in life.

How old are the DCs?

Somethingsnappy · 20/08/2022 22:50

What reason has he given for a separate room? Him telling you it would be different in the new house, is just stalling tactics. Why would a new house suddenly make him want to share a room or have sex again? It sounds awful op. It would be marriage over, for me. It's not too late to get your life back. You could be so much happier.

Original poster

ChangedName1231 · 21/08/2022 08:48

Thank you all for your responses. His responses yesterday was he “wasn’t thinking” and just said it. I really do not like him. He’s never going to actually take the decision and leave me and I’m too knackered with the kids and life in general to even think about my future. All I know is it’s really lonely and a sad life.

OP posts:

Tinkerblonde1 · 21/08/2022 09:28

Op this is a sad life. You will likely be so much happier on your own. At least you would know once and for all.

There is a better life Op.

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