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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

How to broach with DM

14 replies

loopylum · 20/08/2022 18:26

I posted on the parenting forum about my issues with feeding my 1 year old, and got loads of tips which worked really well and we started to make really good progress this week.

My DH dropped DS off at my parents yesterday and explained we were only doing finger foods (and spent 20 mins discussing it with them), not to worry if he doesn't eat much and said DS had been getting stressed about spoon feeding. My mum said she wasn't going to do that but my dad convinced her.

When he picked DS up my mum said he'd had mashed blueberries on a spoon. This surprised DH as we can't get a spoon near him. My mum then said "well I just forced them in - it's just you and loopylum that can't spoon feed him".

I spoke to her on the phone in the evening and she denied she had said the last part. She said she didn't understand feeding finger foods at his age but we agreed I would send packed lunch next week for them.

All day now DS has refused any finger foods and been really stressed out about eating and I'm furious. I want to call and tell her how she's ruined our good work over the week. DH is fuming for the same reasons.

Obviously I wouldn't do this but i do want advice on how to approach this. My mum does us a huge favour looking after DS and he really loves going to see her, so I don't want to have to arrange different childcare. My relationship with my mum has improved so much recently as well.

We have reflected though and his major issues with spoon refusal started when she began taking him on a Friday. We could arrange and afford paid childcare on this day but that would also really upset my mum.

Sorry if this is a bit PFB but he is lol. Any tips would be useful. Sorry I haven't phrased as an AIBU but I mean you can tell me if I'm being unreasonable as well.

OP posts:

thingsarestrange · 20/08/2022 22:19

so Are u sticking to just finger foods? Why no spoon fed?
I would say if your particular on what food and how to give it do what u have said and pack the lunch. Maybe she was being sarcastic? I would hope she didn’t force feed your child? What’s she like?

AllFreeOwls · 20/08/2022 22:29

I think it might be better to go down the paid childcare route instead.

creamwitheverything · 20/08/2022 22:37

OP if your faith in your mum has been shaken and I can tell for you and DH it has it will not ever get any easier from now, You will be wondering and questioning every time you leave your little one in her care,No she will not follow your rules,my mum woudnt,My mum said on many occassion "if I am having the kids I will look after them my way,it was good enough for you", Now you will not have any peace of mind going forward,it will nag at you and the nag will get louder in your mind, It does, Childcare is THE only way forward,not just for your little one but for your peace of mind and mental health,You need to know your little one is cared for and content and happy otherwise your life will be rubbish,

Original poster

loopylum · 21/08/2022 09:55

I think she will listen to us if we tell her how important it is. She would be devastated if we said we don't want her to look after him anymore.

OP posts:

dribblewibble · 21/08/2022 09:56

You need paid childcare where they'll do as you tell them.

Original poster

loopylum · 21/08/2022 10:07

My mums not spiteful or mean (unless she's really wound up) but she can be quite rigid and unmoveable until she reflects on things.

She was annoyed that DS had already had breakfast with us when DH dropped him off which I don't think helped.

I spoke with DH last night and he's off work this week, so will go over on Friday for lunch to show my mum and dad how much DS likes finger foods and eating together, and give some tips and techniques.

I would say if your particular on what food and how to give it do what u have said and pack the lunch

Yes it's us saying it but also his SLT and dietician have said if he's refusing a spoon don't push it, because we don't want to risk food aversion.

OP posts:

GoodVibesHere · 21/08/2022 10:33

Jeez your mum managed to feed him, so that's a good thing! Let your mum get on with it when your son is under her care. Or use paid childcare if you prefer to avoud arguing with your mum (though I expect paid childcare would feed as they see fit, too).

If you are getting stressed about feeding your child it's going to rub off on your son. You need to relax.

Original poster

loopylum · 21/08/2022 10:43

Jeez your mum managed to feed him, so that's a good thing!

He's been eating loads over the last week, having meals with us and actually enjoying food. She managed to force feed him 2 blueberries; its not that impressive.

OP posts:

Treaclex69 · 21/08/2022 10:58

dribblewibble · 21/08/2022 09:56

You need paid childcare where they'll do as you tell them.

That's not how paid childcare works, a parent can request but ultimately if a child is fed regardless of spoon or finger but most definitely not forced that's what is best for the child. I have a child I mind who will refuse to drink her parents force her I cannot and wouldn't instead I offer alternatives and other forms of fluids.

Parents get stressed out over feeding which then stresses the child and it just becomes a battle of wills. Op I'd suggest doing a mixture of both so offer some finger foods but also offer some spoon fed food and give the little one a spoon too.

Original poster

loopylum · 21/08/2022 12:38

We do already have paid childcare 3 days a week. They listen to our guidance and feed back every day how he's done. They also can't get a spoon with food on near him.

OP posts:

MrsMontyD · 22/08/2022 08:43

I suspect it's something around her feeling replaced as the mother figure or that by doing things differently you're saying her way is wrong.

My exMIL had similar issues, it's difficult you just have to reinforce gently, eventually MIL accepted my way might be different but it worked for my dc.

SullysBabyMama · 22/08/2022 08:48

loopylum · 21/08/2022 09:55

I think she will listen to us if we tell her how important it is. She would be devastated if we said we don't want her to look after him anymore.

You need to put your child before your mum.
He is literally a baby and she is traumatising him and giving him issues with food which will last a lifetime probably.
Why are you allowing this and worrying about HER feelings? She wasn’t worried about yours when she ignored you and your husbands wishes. She wasn’t worried about your sons feelings when she was force feeding him.
Sounds like your Mum was a pretty messed up parent if you still are putting her before your own child’s welfare and now she’s messing up your son too. The cycle continues.

Kitkatcatflap · 22/08/2022 09:33

Up the childcare, why are you worried about upsetting your mum - you took the time to explain about your finger food roll out, she said she wasn't doing that then admits to force feeding your child. You say the spoon refusal started around the same time she started looking after looking after him which implies this was not an isolated incident. On top of that she undermined your parenting skills by saying 'its only you that can't feed him'

Do you really think you can trust her? She doesn't listen and undermines you. Is there a history of this?

HotDogKetchup · 22/08/2022 09:36

My one year old has always preferred to feed himself so we’ve done babyled. One year olds do not need any purée with the exception of foods like yogurts. There’s no reason to mash blueberries. If they can’t manage those themselves they aren’t ready to wean. Tbh it makes me cringe still feeding baby foods and purées at this age.

Whats the deal with letting him feed himself?

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