To think I'm too weak and part of the problem?

headhurtsagain · 2022-08-20T13:19:20+00:00

I've been trying to leave my abusive husband for a year. Well I have left, I've been living homeless at my mums for the last 10 months. We've been trying to make it work and yet again it hasn't. It comes as no surprise. But today I feel like it's all my fault. Even though my therapist and woman's aid have told me I'm in an abusive marriage. I'm feeling sorry for him and feel I'm the one that's wrecked us. He's paranoid, controlling, makes me walk on egg shells amongst other things. I want to text him to say sorry even though I have done nothing. He says I'm not affectionate. He's slept with various women since I left him whilst accusing me of doing the same. I haven't done anything. It's a mess, we have no future but I can't seem to fully leave him. Maybe this is why I'm blaming myself because I'm so weak?

Georgeskitchen · 20/08/2022 14:24

Don't feel sorry for him!! It's typical behaviour of abusers, playing the victim. You've made the biggest step by moving out. Have faith in yourself. Keep looking forward not back. He will just keep dragging you back down x

Original poster

headhurtsagain · 20/08/2022 14:41

Georgeskitchen · 20/08/2022 14:24

Don't feel sorry for him!! It's typical behaviour of abusers, playing the victim. You've made the biggest step by moving out. Have faith in yourself. Keep looking forward not back. He will just keep dragging you back down x

Even now all he does is bring me stress. He doesn't make me happy but he has a tough life so I feel bad for him at the same time.

OP posts:

cavawho · 20/08/2022 14:42

Do the freedom program

misssunshine4040 · 20/08/2022 14:43

Do you have children?

Original poster

headhurtsagain · 20/08/2022 14:43

cavawho · 20/08/2022 14:42

Do the freedom program

I've done half of it. It didn't all ring true but some did. I just find myself making excuses for him all the time. But I do know I would be happier without him eventually

OP posts:

Original poster

headhurtsagain · 20/08/2022 14:44

misssunshine4040 · 20/08/2022 14:43

Do you have children?

Yes 1 child with him. 2 from my previous relationship. My ex was a compulsive liar and a cheat. Doing great in life I know!

OP posts:

CoffeeLover90 · 20/08/2022 14:50

You know the right thing to do is to divorce him and never look back but it's not going to happen until reach breaking point. When something finally clicks in your head. He'll do or say something he's probably got away with 100 times before but it'll be that time when you just snap. Trying to convince you now to divorce and leave him fully feels like tearing you away from him because you're still in that stage of what have I done? How can I change? It's not his fault...
You're on the right path at the moment, living separately and in touch with support services, stick on that path, try and focus on the positive of not being with him and complete the freedom programme if you can.
He's a twat BTW, hope you realise this soon.

lljkk · 20/08/2022 14:52

However imperfect you are (aren't we all), you don't deserve to be treated badly, OP. Do NOT apologise. Has he ever apologised to you? Pity him that he doesn't know how to treat his partner better & create space in your life for a better man.

BuckarooBanzai · 20/08/2022 14:52

Maybe have a look at Stockholm syndrome in relation to abusive relationships. As I understand it you form a bond with your abuser because you are in survival mode. My advice to you is to do all the courses you can at women's aid. Remember that we are all responsible for our own mental health. You are not responsible for his.

lljkk · 20/08/2022 14:53

ps: you can't fix him. It would be nice for your child if eventually you can be civil to him, but that's the only goal you want here.

misssunshine4040 · 20/08/2022 14:58

@headhurtsagain don't put yourself down.

You know you can't have your children exposed to this. They will grow up with low self esteem and pick abusers for partners and repeat the cycle.

Take yourself out the picture and focus your whole attention and energy on your children.
The worse case scenario is loosing your kids to social services because you won't end your relationship.
They will see you as failing to protect them and not putting their needs first.
Exposing your children to domestic abuse is neglect and abuse in itself.

Think very hard about how your children will view you as they get older. They may grow to hate and resent your choices to put your bad relationship before them.

I know it's hard to see the wood from the trees when an abuser has twisted your mind so much. Take your feelings out the equation and chose only to do what is right for your children so the remainder of the their childhood is peaceful and happy.

No other choice is the right one

RiverSkater · 20/08/2022 15:00

Trauma bonding, it's a thing.

Look into it, and it's nothing you have done - he is abusive. just read your post and imagine it's a friend going through that. Do not apologise to him.

Original poster

headhurtsagain · 20/08/2022 15:00

lljkk · 20/08/2022 14:52

However imperfect you are (aren't we all), you don't deserve to be treated badly, OP. Do NOT apologise. Has he ever apologised to you? Pity him that he doesn't know how to treat his partner better & create space in your life for a better man.

He has apologised but he can go from being sorry to not taking any accountability for what he's done.

For example he blames the main woman he was sleeping with. We were separated at the time but he was still fighting for our marriage.

He says she took advantage of him....he took her to London for a weekend using our joint bank account and plastered it all over social media for me to see. However if I spoke to him about it now he would say she took advantage of him. She told him I was seeing other people etc etc....

Yet I've had messages from her in the past saying he made out I was crazy to her which he denies. It was all her fault.

OP posts:

Original poster

headhurtsagain · 20/08/2022 15:04

misssunshine4040 · 20/08/2022 14:58

@headhurtsagain don't put yourself down.

You know you can't have your children exposed to this. They will grow up with low self esteem and pick abusers for partners and repeat the cycle.

Take yourself out the picture and focus your whole attention and energy on your children.
The worse case scenario is loosing your kids to social services because you won't end your relationship.
They will see you as failing to protect them and not putting their needs first.
Exposing your children to domestic abuse is neglect and abuse in itself.

Think very hard about how your children will view you as they get older. They may grow to hate and resent your choices to put your bad relationship before them.

I know it's hard to see the wood from the trees when an abuser has twisted your mind so much. Take your feelings out the equation and chose only to do what is right for your children so the remainder of the their childhood is peaceful and happy.

No other choice is the right one

I've actually already got my daughter in therapy. I'm very much aware of the damage it can do. My youngest - his biological child is way too young for that but I'm prepared for it.

My children are absolutely everything to me. But since trying to save things, he's been a different person around them. Even they can see a change in him and they loved being around him.

It makes me feel like a terrible mother for allowing him to grow close to them again but I really did believe he was changing.

But like I say, I've done so much research and have come from an abusive childhood myself so I am determined not to let my dc go the same way. In my own therapy, I've realised my childhood was abusive from my father.

Your post has really helped. Thank you.

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BlueSkyAndButterflies · 20/08/2022 15:10

You're not weak, you're messed up. He messed you up. All the time you have any contact with him he's continuing to mess you up. That's how he's dragging you back.

When you eventually stop contact with him you'll start to get clarity in your situation and you'll start to see all the bad things he did more and more as time goes on. You can't see it clearly right now because you're in it, although you're seeing it clearer than you were which is why you've left him. You've already started making decisions and taking action based on what's best for you.

You can choose not to act on your feelings and only act on what's best for you in a practical sense. You can acknowledge he's bad for you at the same time as feeling sorry for him. You can feel sorry for him whilst a million miles away from him, you don't have to stand by his side and take abuse just because you feel sorry for him. When you're away from him you can recover from his abuse.

Life will be better for you once you've learned to spot the bad behaviour displayed by abusive people and walk away from it. Why they're abusive or whether they're victims of something is irrelevant. You don't have to work that out or try to fix it for them, they're the ones who have to do that work for themselves. All you have to do is take care of yourself and your children. You do that by walking away from the abuse.

misssunshine4040 · 20/08/2022 16:27

@headhurtsagain I've been there too and it was the only thing that snapped me out of the fog.
I thought what the hell am I doing to my kids?!
You will get there, takes time but focus on them and build the strongest best relationships with them and you will nothing but disgust for the man who caused you all such damage.

Sending you best wishes

lljkk · 20/08/2022 17:22

He can't take responsibility for his bad decisions. Just let him get on with his life : with as little involvement from you as possible.