I'm so fed up !!!!

[justsofedupp]

Need to rant. I'm so angry and sad and I have no one to talk to.

My partner is self employed and is just constantly working. I mean, he's had one day off this month.

I'm just left alone to sort out house and kids constantly. I am on maternity leave. Even if I wasn't, it would be the same anyway. I'm exhausted and have no energy. I thought he would at least get one day off this weekend, but no.

I was less than pleased about this, this morning. Also because he left all the mess out from dinner last night . So I told him it's all a big joke and he turns around and tells me that he feels like I am basically blaming him for the fact that I am a parent...

I lost it. He says stuff like that all the time. I think it's disgusting and shows he basically thinks it's my job as the mother anyway. I just want some help. We don't have a normal family life. He doesn't even know his children. He hardly ever sees them. I'm tired and so angry he said that. He says hurtful stuff like that frequently.

Is it normal I'm in such a rage from that comment ? Or AIBU ? This is a genuine question.

He's a parent as well. I hope you pointed that out to him?

Why is he working so many hours? Sounds to me like he has checked out of family life and is using work as an excuse.

YANBU at all. You won't change him though. Men like him don't change. You would be less resentful and furious as a single parent.

You’d be better off without him. You wouldn’t be stressed and you wouldn’t have to clear up his portion of mess/washing, and presumably he might have his kids a bit.

The hours really can't be helped. I don't want to go into much detail.

Do you think I'm right in interpreting his comment to mean that I should shut the F up and that it's not his fault I'm a parent and that this is what being a parent is like ?

I have also woken up with a massive headache, which never helps.

Does he even consider himself a parent? Did he want to have these babies - it sounds like he doesn’t really like them?

When are you going back to work?

Yeah of course he wanted to have them. A lot in fact !

I'm going back next year sometime. My baby is still tiny. It will be even harder then.

You complain about the hours he's working then you say the hours can't be helped.

How many hours a day does he work?

I’d ask him WHY he wanted the kids? If he doesn’t ever spend time with them?

Don’t get me wrong, my own dad was out every day 6am to 9pm. I have a job that has me travelling internationally for about 25% of the calendar year.

Busy parents can still be good parents if they like their children and make it a priority to spend time with them.

Also, what do you mean ‘even worse’? Will he not be picking up 50% of the slack? I’d really question the future (and present) of a relationship if my husband behaved like that.

Trouble is with this type of men, they want to have kids but don’t want to parent them.

It’s tricky to realise this at first, but after the first one or two you should know how good of a parent and partner he really is.

I don’t blame you at all for being fed up. If his hours can’t be helped then focus on what you can do for yourself. Watertight contraception.

Contact homestart for some help. Can you stretch to a cleaner ??

How is he a ‘partner’? He’s just some guy that’s occasionally in your house to impregnate you and fail his kids. How can his hours ‘not be helped’? How will he manage when he gets dumped and will have to parent?

I really have no idea how he would do it. Seeing as he needs to be at work all the time if he shuts down basically. There really isn't much choice in the hours now. I just wish there was some empathy for me.

You need to get serious. There is no point in the occasional whinge, he is not taking you seriously. Shit needs to get real!! Say you need a serious chat when the kids have gone to bed. If he can’t give you that respect, to find solutions to make you feel better and be a happy partner, then he doesn’t love you and he doesn’t care. Fact.

he feels like I am basically blaming him for the fact that I am a parent

do not forget he said this.

The straw that broke the camels back was his mess, his lack of consideration. You’re doing your best to take on all of the responsibility for the children/house and he seems to think that should include skivving around after him because he’s opting out of basic adulting.

if you have options (somewhere to go, the financial means to move/ask him to leave) get out sooner rather than later. If those aren’t available to you start making a plan so they are. it might give him a kick up the arse to change his ways and mean it but it’s more likely he’ll reframe the whole situation with him as the unsupported hard-working victim.

fwiw I think working so much is the preferable option for him over the drudgery/relentlessness of parenting and family life. That doesn’t automatically make him a bad person - I was so happy to get back to work and uninterrupted coffee after maternity leave! But there’s a balance and unilaterally deciding bringing in a paycheque is your only responsibility is bullshit. He can contribute that and not be adding to your load, he’s adding nothing of any other value to your and your childrens lives.

Hmm I think he’s really sold it to you that it’s unavoidable but I would be questioning that myself. Is it really? If it is (and I don’t believe him) then his job doesn’t work for your family. It just doesn’t. There’s more to being a partner and dad than bringing money in, if that’s all he can do then he’s not a very good one.

Some people might be okay with that kind of set up, you clearly aren’t and shouldn’t be expected to compromise on basic expectations.

This is your life, do you want to spend it in a permanent state of compromise for someone who doesn’t respect or empathise with you?