AIBU not to send me children to their dads house anymore

[potatoismyname]

My ex husband has become increasingly unreliable over the last couple of years and now my children are refusing to go with him. Kids are 10 and 7 and dad is suppose to have them one night every two weeks, which has decreased in the last year from two nights. He often cancels last min when I have things booked in and won't even give a reason why he's had to cancel or offer another date to have them. This has really left me in a difficult position where I now only book things if I know I have back up childcare. The kids are now saying all they do is sit in their room at his house and have to eats meals in their room when staying over. Understandably the kids don't want to stay anymore and I don't feel comfortable them staying either. I have tried to speak to him about it and he always says he will try more, but nothing changes. I even tried to get him to go to mediation to discuss childcare, but he refused to go. I know if I say to him I will stop the kids going he will get nasty with me. For reference he's naturally very lazy and has no awareness to other peoples needs or emotions.

Bump

I think you have enough grounds to keep them away, I’d evidence you have tried to talk to him again about reliability, how unhappy the children are about going and that the kids won’t be attending until mediation has happened. Then leave the ball in his court.

Can you evidence all the times he’s called? The more evidence the better. Log everything the children sat etc

@AperolWhore excellent username by the way. Most communication has been over text, so I do have enough. I don't think he would bother taking me to court, he doesn't have any money and wouldn't have the motivation to do it.

Forget the loser. The children will be better off without him. One good role model parent can be enough.

@potatoismyname why thank you 😊

As long as you can evidence it is stop contact, if the children ask you can attempt to open the lines of communication. You know what’s right for your children and as long as it’s evidenced he hasn’t a leg to stand on. Good luck!

Before reading I was expecting to say YABU but I don't think you are.

It sounds awful for the children, they don't want to go and you've tried your best. If he really wants to see his children he can take you to court and get a proper agreement written up that he has to follow.

Good riddance. Why do you think he even bothers having them if he ignores them?

So glad you left him. Did he get nasty then / resist your leaving?

He is able to call my daughter on her tablet, which he does try on occasion, but she won't pick up the call. He has asked me why she won't pick up his calls and I have been honest with him, but it just seems to go through one ear and out of the other

I too was expecting to think you unreasonable but I really don't. Poor kids sound like they are treated terribly...

Listen to your children. Don't force them to go either.

You are not being unreasonable. It’s not right to
keep making them go to their dad’s if they are so unhappy with the arrangement.

Thank you. Its reassuring to hear that i'm not being unreasonable. I have really tried my best with him, but it's just not working anymore.

I could have written your exact post. It was quite a few years ago though.

The upshot was that all communication ceased and the DC were perfectly happy. Then ex met a new woman and she thought it strange. By that time DC were refusing to see him so he went to court to re-establish seeing them. The judge had the DC's point of view, but ordered a third party organisation to become involved. Eventually they agreed to meet him for a curry and then agreed to see him eow. They hated it and him for ignoring them for so long.

I hope it's more straightforward for you.

@Soonberaining thank you for sharing. I'm sorry you and the kids had to go through that. My ex is a great victim and will pedal the story to everyone that I am stopping him seeing the kids and he comes from a very large family, but people can believe what they wish. His contact was never great, but has got lots worse since meeting his partner. My children are not fond of her at all and from their accounts she hasn't made them feel welcomed at all. There has been a few things that have happened, which have been very shitty on their part, but it's a bit outing.

It doesn't sound like they have a home from home.
If he was so bothered about having them they would feel they wanted.
Let them have 1 decent parent op.

Really that's all they need ime.

@potatoismyname My DC loathed their father's new partner too. They felt obliged to see him after the court case, but she was so horrible to them that they were scared of her. One DC slept with a pair of scissors under the pillow as scared that they would be attacked in the night. If only he hadn't gone to court, basically to impress the new woman. It was a difficult time until they were old enough to stop going.

@Soonberaining wow she sounds like a piece of work for your kids to feel that way. What age was it that they stopped going?

Nope, YANBU, but don’t make them go. But be clear when you tell him that they aren’t coming that he can have contact elsewhere (in a restaurant/ park/ contact centre etc) so you look like you’re not cutting off contact completely. Chances are he’ll never get his arse in gear to organise it anyway.

It was when they were about 14/15. No court would force them by that age, so they were 8 and 11 roughly when he went to court and the older DC was allowed some input.

He'd had another DC with OW by then so was less bothered. OW then got a terminal illness and he was left as a single parent which was karma as far as childcare was concerned.

The DC see him every few months now, but he also has a terminal condition, so again they feel an obligation.

@Heronwatcher I had thought that actually. I was thinking park or cinema is always a good bet as the kids might be willing to go to that as it's something they want to do.

This is a good suggestion.

When you say they have eat their meals in their rooms, are they told to do that by their dad or are they choosing to do it because they do t like the environment? Is it every time or a one off?

As one night a fortnight, I’m more on the fence than others, just because it is helpful for them to understand who their dad is. The absence of their father isn’t ‘nothing’, it’s also a negative. So I think it’s important to try and weigh up ‘nothing’ vs one night a fortnight knowing both aren’t great, but how bad is bad if you know what I mean.

I think I would continue to facilitate it unless it crossed a very very serious line.

@Soonberaining wow karma really did it thing. Interesting as my kids are 7 and 10, so similar ages. I don't really think he would take me to court tbh.

Yeah I wouldn’t bother sending them. Keep his messages cancelling etc, but I’d be surprised if he can be arsed taking you to court if he can’t be arsed actually having them over!

OMG, that’s awful. I feel so sorry that this happened. I hope your children can somehow move on from those times.