To have told him not to press the buttons

[LiftyLift]

Yesterday I was in a busy shopping centre with baby DC in the buggy.

The shops are spread over two floors, with an additional top floor food court and parking on lower ground. There is a single, small lift to serve all four floors. For further context, one set of toilets that serves the centre is closed for refurbishment, so the only working toilets are on the top floor where the food court is so
the lift is busier than usual.

I waited in the queue to get in the lift to go to the food court toilets and when I got in there was a boy aged around 12 alone with obvious ASD. All of the buttons were illuminated when I got in and he kept pressing more buttons meaning we went down to the lower floor of the shops, then to the parking level and I asked him if he was getting out. He said no and I politely said “please stop pressing the buttons”. He repeated what I said and then was hovering his finger over the buttons while the lift went up and down stopping at each floor. There were people on every level waiting to get in, but there was no space for another buggy or wheelchair to get in.

I had to repeat kindly “please stop, people are waiting to get in” and he was growing agitated with me for not allowing him to press the buttons and started to hit himself.

When the lift eventually made it to the top floor, he got out and walked off with his mum who had obviously let him in the lift to play alone.

Was AIBU to tell him to stop pressing the buttons? I don’t think he should have been in there alone.

There is barely any support for parents of autistic children. It hardly exists.

I am not saying whether your actions were right or wrong, but maybe just look down at your youngest child and then imagine parenting a teenager who comunicates by hand banging. It must be bloody tough. So don't judge his mum.

I can’t begin to imagine how hard it is for autistic parents. That’s why I’ve mentioned I don’t know what mums thought on it was. It wasn’t safe for the kid or anyone else in the lift though given he seemed vulnerable and potentially volatile.

It doesn’t have to be about the mum needing a break. It could easily have just been about the young lad getting pleasure out of going in the lift and pressing buttons. She knew it made him happy so she let him do it. Maybe it was his equivalent of a young child going on a kiddie ride outside the supermarket. Who knows?

Does the mum know there was risk attached to her son being in the lift alone? Yes. She’s probably very much aware of it and was crossing everything she had that it would be ok but she probably felt the risk was worth her son getting a few minutes of fun ‘all things considered’.

Would I have done it? No. But I have done other things with my son and my other children and grandchildren that would probably have people talking about me. Just as you will because it’s all part of being a parent/grandparent. And human nature being what it is.

Would I have asked the young lad to push the button for the floor I wanted? No, because it could be that he wanted to press them in a certain order and me asking could have confused him. I would have just stood quietly and got out at the next floor.

But the OP said there was only one lift, and also only one set of toilets which were on the 4th floor. So yes, while 'Just don't get in the lift and let the boy with ASD use it to play with' would be a nice idea if there were other options, it wouldn't really be practical in this case. The OP says there were people with pushchairs, wheelchairs etc who couldn't get in. Not everyone can manage to get up four flights of stairs, or even one set of stairs.

I'm already imagining taking my disabled dad shopping and then him needing the loo (he can't hang on for long) and then not being able to get in the lift because someone's ASD child likes using the lift for entertainment. I'm really sorry but just because a child is autistic that doesn't mean that their enjoyment takes precedence over the actual needs of other people.

Obviously the child isn't to blame for any of this; he didn't know he was causing a problem. But the OP was absolutely 100% reasonable to ask him to stop pressing the buttons and the adult looking after him was unreasonable to let him get in the lift on his own to press the buttons in the first place.

And I could have been standing outside with my son waiting to get in the lift. And we’d have waited because common sense would have told me the lad would be getting out very soon. It wouldn’t have been any different to having to wait a wee while longer if the lift had been full of other shoppers instead of the boy. Or do people really believe that when they press an elevator button they’ll always be able to get in immediately?

Sorry Mary, just to add I do understand about getting caught short. I have problems with my waterworks and I do approach lifts with a certain amount of, fingers crossed it’s not busy, fingers crossed I won’t have to wait.

The shopping centre really should have more than one lift but it doesn’t. With the lower floor toilets out of action it made the loft busier than usual.

I couldn’t have managed to get out to accommodate the boys needs. All I could think to do was ask not to press the buttons until we got to the top floor.