Are there signs that a child is going to grow up to be non-independent?

[Imsosorryforanyoffencecaused]

I’m so sorry in advance as I don’t mean this to be offensive. I’m just wondering, if anyone knows any signs of when you know a child is going to grow up non-independent. Or has any experience with this.

My son is 2.5, and autistic, still non-verbal, doesn’t have much understanding (doesn’t understand simple instructions, I’m unsure he understands words), walks on tiptoes, can’t maintain eye contact, runs off when we’re out without a care in the world, has no sense of danger, will hit himself and repeatedly headbutt walls and doors, has massive sensory issues with food. Doesn’t sleep through the night. His meltdowns get out of control. Absolutely obsessed with water and piling things up.

However, he can communicate by leading us to the things he wants but is incredibly impatient and gets upset and frustrated easily. He does great at nursery and has no separation issues. Plays nicely alongside other children. Walked at 11 months. He does make lots of repetitive noises but has just started grunting a lot.

I love him so so much, and wouldn’t change him for the world, he is my baby. He is wonderful and surprising in so many ways, and I will always be there for him.

Autism runs in our family - brother, two cousins, aunt, all on different levels. My brother was badly bullied throughout school and once boys found out he had autism, they called him awful names and excluded him from everything. It was heartbreaking and he was suicidal.

My son’s nursery are great and we’re waiting on SALT, and I’ve signed up to a course for mums with toddlers who aren’t talking yet that my health visitor referred us to. We talk to him constantly and read every day.

I looked on the thread for parents talking about development and the threads don’t get any traction, hence I’m posting here in case someone can either help me prepare or reassure me.

One thing I am trying to do is lower my expectations and celebrate every milestone, big or small. I long to hear the word ‘mummy’.

I’m trying to take every day as it comes but after seeing a few quotes on Facebook I’m struggling tonight.

Thank you and again sorry for any offence caused.

I have known quite a few nursery aged boys that are very similar to how you describe. Nearly all of them went on to attend SEN schools, where the smaller class size helped with their communication.
You say it runs I your family, can your mum tell you what your brother was like at that age for instance?

@RedHelenB Thank you for the information. We’re SEN schools better for them do you know? My brother was quite similar but spoke around 3. He didn’t go to an SEN school but did have help with his dyspraxia during exams. He was very late getting diagnosed though so she finds it hard to describe. I’m not close with my aunt or cousins to know either. Xx

OP. We are very similar. My little boy is three, autistic and non verbal. I really don't think there are any signs, your baby boy is so young, how can anyone possibly predict his future?

What I will say is that my child is remarkably different now to when he was 2.5. Even though he doesn't speak his understanding is improving in leaps and bounds and he makes great efforts to play and communicate with us. It is heartbreaking and painfully slow. I hate watching him struggle with what others find easy.

It is controversial but pecs has opened up a world of communication for us that I didn't think possible. Have you got much support from family, friends, professionals?

@babysharksb1tch That’s brilliant that your little one has progressed, and to hear of this progression over six months. I agree it is painful and comparison certainly is the thief of joy. We have lots of family support thankfully and we are waiting on a paediatrician appointment at the moment. However it’s not for a while yet as they’re so so busy in my area. Thank you for commenting xx

Frustrating as it is, I think he's too young atm for you to predict his future.

DD11 is autistic although we didn't know that at your son's age. She was speech delayed, she started SALT around 2.5 and that helped enormously quite quickly. By the time she started school she had caught up with her peers speech wise.

Fast forward to now - she has difficulties with behaviour, sensory issues, hygiene and social communication. But she is also already independent - she has been walking to and from school by herself, she has friends etc and is living as "normally" as you could expect an autistic 11yo to.

I think perhaps by the time he starts school you will have a better idea of how his development is going

If you are on Facebook or social media give Finding Cooper's Voice a look. It's a page about the day to day life of a family with a 10 year old non verbal son who has autism too. Kate (the mum) does not shy away from the difficulties of autism at the more severe end but also speaks with such positivity and hope for those families a few years behind her on the journey.

@GanderingGoose Just watched a few videos and cried. Probably better I watch when I’m not so teary because the page looks very helpful. Thank you for sharing. Xx

Awww couldn't read this without commenting even though I have nothing useful to add. Just wanted to say that you sound lovely and your little boy is so lucky to have you as his mum.

I can only talk about a relative in my extended family who was similar when he was your DS's age. He attended a SEN school and is now at a specialist college at the age of 19. I saw him recently for the first time since covid and was amazed at how much he has progressed since going to college. His speech isn't perfect but he will now join in with conversations and even initiate them. It was lovely to see. I think he will need more support than most adults but I can now see how he will be able to have some level of independence.

His DB is 16 and has a similar level of needs but isn't as communicative right now (although harder to tell as 16 year old boys are not generally known for wanting to chat older relatives they barely see anyway). I am hoping that he will similarly benefit from college.

Children develop so quickly and you never know when the next milestone will come, never SEN or not. Definitely do not compare to others as that way lies madness. You are right to celebrate every small step forwards and be there for your son. I am sure that one day he will say mummy for the first time and you will remember it forever.

Hi OP!

my husband is autistic and also both my boys.

my ds1 is non verbal until 4yo. Cant do eye contact. Running around in circle. Now he is 6 already verbal but his sentences still not like other 6yo. He still running in circle if he overwhelmed. But not everyday. He understand what i’m saying but having two way conversations is still bit hard for him. He only wants to talk about what he interested in.
he is very bright in school.

my ds2 is 2,5yo verbal but not like other 2,5yo. He just can naming things. He understand simple instructions. He is better than his brother in terms of communication but he struggle in food. He is not eating any food beside milk. This is really concerning. But he is under dietitian now.

my husband was non verbal until age 4 now he is doing amazing. maintaining eye contact never an issue for him but communication bit challenging for him. He doesn’t have any friends just colleagues. He working in IT, have very good career and earns six figurs salary.

because of my husband i never worried about my ds future. I’m sure they will find their wah to make a living if they love what they do.

i’m used to be a psychologist and dealing with asd kids a lot. But i decided to stop working because i want to focus with my boys.

i’ve seen hundreds of asd kids and they all are different. Even my sons are siblings but they so different.

but there is a hope. There is always hope. With my experience school is very important. I put both my ds nursery early and its really help them to learn how to talk.