How to be likeable?

[Newand]

I had a group of ‘friends’ from school that really damaged my self esteem - it was made clear I was always on the outskirts, a bit of a joke to them etc.

Not sure why but I stuck with them - I didn’t really have anyone else.

I have recently moved to a new area and would love to make some new friends - it’s a big place with lots of expats so there should be the opportunity but I’m struggling when others seem to find it so easy to be liked / popular!

What makes you like someone? I have never been that person with multiple friendships that feel equal and I don’t want to repeat the same patterns.

I'm so sorry that your so called 'friends' damaged your self esteem so badly. Personally I'd say I'm drawn to people that are good listeners, are empathetic, and seem to like themselves. When I say like themselves I don't mean being big headed, but instead I mean at peace with who they are as a person and showing self compassion.

I know that can seem quite a hard thing to do when your self esteem has been badly damaged, but start with baby steps. Try your hardest in any given situation, but don't beat yourself up if you're not absolutely perfect- none of us are! Giving your best is more than enough.

I'd have a good think about things that really give you joy (this can be hard when you've been teased and put down in the past), whether its gardening, cooking, singing, dancing, volunteering, whatever. Don't worry about it being cool or aspirational, just find something you are genuinely interested in learning more about. Then find some groups or clubs to find some like minded people. Having a common interest and passion (even if you're rubbish at it!) can be a great way to find like-minded people, and having an activity to do takes the pressure off of the 'making friends' bit, its much more likely to happen organically.
Finally, its great you don't want to repeat the same patterns as previously, that shows you have good self awareness. I'd really recommend booking a few counselling sessions if you can, not to 'fix' yourself, but to work out what makes you tick and how you got into these uncomfortable situations in the first place. Self awareness is a great first step to understanding and therefore liking yourself more. Also try listening to some podcasts that will help increase your self awareness; Dear Sugars, Hidden Brain and Dear Therapists are some great ones to start with. Good luck OP, you've got this!

I gravitate towards open, friendly, smiley people who appear confident and positive. Moody people put me on edge and make me nervous.

Be happy and open and show an interest in people. Listen to people as well as talking about yourself.

All the best in your new life

Just be yourself. I know it’s cliche but genuine warmth and authenticity goes a long way when meeting new people.

sorry that happened. That sounds really shit.

I like people who smile and seem interested in speaking to me. I like observational, down to earth humour. Talk about what you like and what others enjoy too. Common ground etc. Also, don’t be a misery guts. So many people I speak to are so miserable.

then when you’re past chit chat,
And into friendly stages, you can be a lot more open about yourself

I think that calm confidence in yourself and radiating an air of not desperately seeking friends can help....and yes I know thats really really hard. Do you like yourself? Do you enjoy your own company?

I'm popular but wasn't always. My childhood made me a bit crazy but I grew up.
I'm smiley and genuinely love people. I like helping people but aren't a mug. I'm very honest and not a people pleaser. If someone wants my opinion they get it but I am tactful.
i have a lot of interests and show interest in others. It's best to be yourself. Not agree with everything for a quiet life but obviously don't be an arse.
I'm self aware and know I won't be everyone's cup of tea. That's ok.
You sound lovely OP. I wish you lived closer you could join my social groups I made for women.
Look out for those on Facebook. Also meetup. Local community centres etc. Volunteer.
Are you in a different country or UK?

Hopefully, it's ok to respond to this a bit older thread.

I just came on here to post similar. I'm a mum and in the last few years I've been feeling more and more isolated, feeling like I don't belong in my old friendship groups, and new people don't appear to like me.
I want to make more effort for my child, to role-model good social skills, friendships.

How old are you? What are your interests?

Oh, it's a zombie thread. That reply was to the OP.

Smile at people. I know it works because I seem to have dodgy facial recognition and am now even friends with people I started smiling at by accident because I thought I knew them!

It's from a couple of months ago. I imagine OP's q is still valid.

Smile and have a couple of non-contentious things to speak about in the first few meetings. Pick an amusing story from a newspaper or magazine if you can't think of anything.

Listen to what others are saying-they will appreciate it

Don't let anyone see that you are bored from your face

Don't boast-no-one is ever impressed

Don't make anyone feel foolish-you will make an enemy

Make people feel comfortable in your company-don't be rude, shy, sarcastic.

Send texts, emails to congratulate or commiserate

Appreciate kindness or good feeling to you-no-one has to show it

Don't give advice unless you are asked and even then, tread lightly

Respect until they give you a reason not to do so then quietly drop them-don't make a fuss and involve a cast of thousands

Be punctual if you have arranged to meet someone

A good rule of thumb is that you have to be more positive than negative for people to want to be around you. Think about what you are going to say and ask yourself if it is positive or negative. Focus on positive things. Doesn't have to be all happy clappy, but avoiding moaning/complaining, keeping it light, telling a funny story where you are the butt of the joke - all this helps. Be interested in people and a good listener. Most people love talking about themselves - so let them. Remember important things that they tell you about themselves and mention it the next time you meet - 'oh how was your holiday', 'is your kitchen all finished and looking lovely now', 'how did you get on with your job interview' etc. Don't bring up depressing or controversial topics if you can avoid it, but if you can't then keep it short and move on quickly to something more pleasant.
Smile, be approachable, make the first move, show up when you're invited somewhere and say 'I've so enjoyed meeting you/talking to you/ thank you for inviting me' (if you mean it, of course - don't be insincere!!)
Don't be too reliant on a few people, keep a wide circle, this helps keep it light. Of course you can have a close or special deep friendship, but be realistic that most friendships won't be like this. Most will be social and fun and not heavy, and that's ok.

I should add - don't be bitchy, don't say anything about anyone that you wouldn't be happy to say to their face. People are wary of gossips - don't be a gossip.