Why are people like this?

[tallulahhula33]

When I was pregnant with my now nearly 6 month old my friends were lovely. Always checking in, they threw me a surprise baby shower and were very generous. I felt very humbled and lucky.

When baby was born they all visited but predictably after a few weeks the novelty wore off and it quietened down. That's fine I expected it, it's life. But now it's like they've forgot I've even had a baby. They let me down with plans last minute after I've made the effort to get me baby and older dc ready to go out. Last week a friend and I were meant to take the older kids somewhere they could play while we had a coffee with the younger ones. She cancelled last minute and I went alone but it wasn't great on my own and older dc were bored.

Also expecting me to drive miles for lunch or days out without the kids not realising that I probably don't want to leave dd yet. She's had a lot of health issues and has regular hospital appointments so I'm not always free and don't always want to leave her.

I'm maybe being precious, I know people have their own lives but I guess I just think why bother being so lovely when I was pregnant just to be totally unsupportive and letting me down with things now she's here and I actually need you. The cynical part of me thinks things like the baby shower were maybe all just for Instagram.

I don't have a lot of support. I have very little family and my mum has her own issues. Dh is great but very busy and under pressure with work. Sometimes I feel like MN is the only place I can have a proper chat and vent.

I mean this in the nicest way possible but your children don't mean as much to others as they do to you.

You'll soon get to a point because I did that you stop trying with certain friends who don't make the effort back.

Have you reached out and asked them for support or made it clear what you want/ need?

If not, then how can they know?

A lot of people do go 'off radar' a bit once they've had children, and they don't have the same capacity for friendships as they used to.

It can be hard as a friend of a new parent to know what is best for them unless they tell you. Maybe you need to be more open with your friends about how you are feeling? You might find they jump to help when they realise you need them.

I don't expect loads from them. I know they have their own lives and kids. But just sticking to plans we've made would be a start. I know things crop up but it happens quite often.

She cancelled last minute and I went alone but it wasn't great on my own and older dc were bored.

it sounds like you and your children are very dependent on “company” hence this hitting you hard

@Endlesslypatient82 not at all but it was the sort of place you'd go to with company. Not really as much fun for dc to do it alone. I spend pretty much everyday alone with the dc so I'm definitely not dependent on other peoples company but when we do plan things it would be nice for people to stick to them. It's a lot of effort getting ready in a morning with dc and a baby after a sleepless night.

But the DC have each other surely?

Rude of them

let them arrange the next get together

I suspect sadly I may not be any time soon

Also expecting me to drive miles for lunch or days out without the kids not realising that I probably don't want to leave dd yet

Well, there’s no reason they would just ‘realise’ that, though, is there? They aren’t psychic. Some people really relish a child-free day and would be OK with leaving their six-month-old baby, so I don’t understand why it’s a problem for them to ask you and give you the option to decide. Totally fine for you to say no, but they aren’t doing anything wrong by suggesting it.

It is understandable that you’re feeling alone and emotionally fragile because you have recently had a baby, with some health issues, and you aren’t getting much from your DH or your mum. But I think you might be transferring that on to your friends, who ultimately have their own lives and kids of their own. You have older kids as well as your baby DD, so as far as your friends are concerned, you have done this before and are getting on with normal family life now as a mum of one more child - I understand that isn’t how it feels to you, but I don’t think your friends are being unreasonable and I certainly don’t think the baby shower was ‘for Instagram’. The baby shower was a celebration of your imminent arrival, and now your baby is here and is six months old and it’s not unreasonable of your friends to feel that life is rolling on as normal again now. They presumably don’t know that you feel isolated and alone, if you haven’t told them.

@ManateeFair you are probably right, I did say I was maybe being precious.

The meeting for lunch thing is fine, it's a nice thing to suggest and i know I am free to say no. But sometimes I get the vibes if i don't go or if I suggest either bringing dd along or meeting somewhere closer to home where I won't be away so long it's met with a bit of disdain. I feel like I'm being talked about. It's hard to explain without knowing the people but I'm not being paranoid.

I just don't like letting people down but it seems like others don't mind doing it to me so I guess I need to toughen up and focus on my own company more.

People don't think about you and your children as much as you think about yourself and your children. Everyone is preoccupied with what works for them and if they are kind and thoughtful then they give LITTLE thought to your circumstances. Mostly, people are self absorbed and selfish. They are lazy, too and want what is more convenient for them. It's human nature.