I don't have many friends and the ones I do have are, well I hate seeing them. I like them but before I see them I agonise over what I will say, how I come across, what I will wear, my face, my smell, my home.
When I do see them once a year or so just to keep them on my list I think 'this is great! why don't I do this more often?' OR I will have panic attacks, spend way to long in the bathroom and hate every second.
Then they have to leave and I start the agonising all over again. Why did I say that? Was she looking bored? Was that yawn to indicate to me to stop talking? did I talk enough? could she see how badly I was sweating? did I swallow too much? does she think I'm a moron? Will she ever see me again?
I have my family (dh and children), I have my sister. I just hate seeing people. It always makes me feel shit. For days before and days after, sometimes weeks. I frequently say no to invites because I just can't deal with it. Which is so pathetic. I haven't been to a family wedding since I was a child and my parents forced me.
I just hate the fact that the only people I see regularly are related to me and once my children grow up ill have loads of free time to spend alone because I'll have no friends by then.
I've seen quite a few threads on here about struggling to make or maintain friendships in adulthood, so I thought I'd post my worries.