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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To want more friends but not really?

10 replies

bluescluesbluecow · 18/08/2022 07:32

I don't have many friends and the ones I do have are, well I hate seeing them. I like them but before I see them I agonise over what I will say, how I come across, what I will wear, my face, my smell, my home.

When I do see them once a year or so just to keep them on my list I think 'this is great! why don't I do this more often?' OR I will have panic attacks, spend way to long in the bathroom and hate every second.

Then they have to leave and I start the agonising all over again. Why did I say that? Was she looking bored? Was that yawn to indicate to me to stop talking? did I talk enough? could she see how badly I was sweating? did I swallow too much? does she think I'm a moron? Will she ever see me again?

I have my family (dh and children), I have my sister. I just hate seeing people. It always makes me feel shit. For days before and days after, sometimes weeks. I frequently say no to invites because I just can't deal with it. Which is so pathetic. I haven't been to a family wedding since I was a child and my parents forced me.

I just hate the fact that the only people I see regularly are related to me and once my children grow up ill have loads of free time to spend alone because I'll have no friends by then.

I've seen quite a few threads on here about struggling to make or maintain friendships in adulthood, so I thought I'd post my worries.

OP posts:
Nads55 · 18/08/2022 07:39

Just posted something similar..I'm in a similar boat, similar worries and feel like I'm battling an internal mental battle often...I wish I could help but feel the same, if you ever want to talk I'm quite happy to!

missbunnyrabbit · 18/08/2022 07:53

I feel similar. I don't have any friends, just a boyfriend. Sometimes I decide that I don't want friends and I feel relief! I hate the expectations and pressure that I personally feel with other people. But then sometimes I'm bored and wish I had people to do things with!
I think overall I am happier without having to navigate friendships as I have always found them stressful. But then I wonder if that's a defence mechanism and I'm just saying it to make myself feel better about not having friends...

Ameanstreakamilewide · 18/08/2022 08:03

I have acquaintances, which I'm more than happy with, to be honest.

Friends are too intimate for me.

I'm a firm believer that familiarity breeds contempt and I'm getting more like that, the older i get.

I've tried to organise a play date for my son and the little girl's mum was all over me to organise a date.
She couldn't make the first date, so i offered an alternative date.
She didn't respond.
Time was marching on, so I didn't want to miss buying a ticket.
I told her on Tuesday that I'd booked tickets...and just crickets.. 🦗

I know she's read all the messages, she's just blanked me. 🤷🏻‍♀️
My husband wonders why i don't organise things with people.

Tabbouleh · 18/08/2022 08:08

You need help. Therapy or meds to deal with your anxiety. I promise you no one is thinking about you that much when they meet up.

Female friendships, especially as you get older and things beats you down, are one of life's great joys. They aren't supposed to be this stressful.

bluescluesbluecow · 18/08/2022 20:00

@Nads55 link me to your thread. I think I get my socialisation from here to be honest.

@missbunnyrabbit I think think I do that too. it probably is a defence mechanism. I have small children and not a lot of free time though so I also blame it on that.
DH is the same as me, a home body. but if he died or left me I'd be alone.

OP posts:
bluescluesbluecow · 18/08/2022 20:08

@Ameanstreakamilewide
see I hate that. I think it makes me look clingy to keep texting but then If you don't put the effort in?

I also have a few people who I just can't click with. I'm mid 20s and everyone is into photos and make up and I'm sat there impressed that I threw a vrysh through my hair for this meet up. and I feel like an oddball.

I was bullied all the way through senior school, so even if someone is Nice or friendly, I think its most likely a cruel joke and they are wanting to throw a drink over My head or something.

it's weird. I don't think I need help or therapy most likely because the thought of talking to a therapist makes me shudder @Tabbouleh and I don't agree. I've been privy to huge bitching sessions and it could easily be me on the receiving end. in fact I'm sure I have been before!

OP posts:
Tabbouleh · 18/08/2022 20:37

If you think you don't need help and are happy as you are, continue as you are? Am unsure as to what you want from this thread. If you don't enjoy the company of your friends, don't have any. They are not compulsory.

Ameanstreakamilewide · 19/08/2022 10:05

Exactly @bluescluesbluecow

I didn't care one way or the other if she was there, but my son is good pals with her daughter and he wanted to see her.

It meant that i was able to sit there on my own and read my book, which suited me mighty fine.

You sound a lot like my niece, OP - have you had a diagnosis of ASD, cos the similarities between you are quite stark?

bluescluesbluecow · 19/08/2022 14:50

@Ameanstreakamilewide asd? like adhd? I have thought about it to be honest.

what else is she like?

OP posts:
Ameanstreakamilewide · 19/08/2022 19:43

She's just turned 18 and she's a lovely kid, bless her.
She's never quite fit in with any groups of friends, so she always gets picked on.
She's been bullied throughout school for 'sticking out like a sore thumb' (her words).

It's naturally left quite an indelible mark on her. So, she's a very anxious young woman who struggles with her mental health.

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