Toxic Family?

[LVS2627]

I'm starting to wonder if my partners family are toxic & if I should distance myself from them or if I'm just exaggerating situations in my own head.

It started 4 years ago when my SIL first came on the scene. I went from being really close to my MIL to feeling cast aside. I feel my SIL can do no wrong in my MIL's eyes. She once described her as a little marshmallow Princess. It says it all. Vom!

I'm civil with my SIL & I've never been nasty towards her or shown my true feelings.
I chat to her as I would a friend and as far as she's concerned there's no issues. However. I find her so pretentious, she posts her life on social media and portrays it to be perfect when nobody's life Is. I find her rude towards my friends & family, extremely selfish, an attention seeker and I think she's abit sly. She makes out she's all sweet & innocent but I don't think she is at all. I'd be here all day telling you everything she's done which has upset me so I'll leave it as that.

Constantly battling with my negative feelings towards her when all of my partners family think the sun shines out of her bum has been physically draining and its making me ill.

The latest is her family have now started coming on the scene and mingling with my partners family alot more as my SIL has alot of social get together. Since then as well as myself feeling cast aside I feel like my family have also been cast aside.

My MIL seems to think they're all the best thing since sliced bread. I stupidly invited my SILS family to my baby's 1st birthday party and I was told from a very close friend that my MIL & SILS mum where giving looks behind my mums back and whispering amongst themselves like a pair of school girls. This was just the final straw for me !
On top of this my mum who isn't massive on social media and wouldn't normal notice something like this, had mentioned to me that my MIL has stopped liking all her posts or commenting on them which is something she used to do alot. It's also stopped with my sister too but then she's always liking my SIL's family's posts. Im aware of how ridiculous and childish that may sound but when there's been other things happening this is just adding flame to the fire.

I'm sick of feeling Inadequate. I feel sad at the fact I used to be really close with my partners family and me and my MIL would always be doing things together to now feeling pushed out like I'm not good enough.

So much has happened and I wish I could write it all on this post to give you all a better understanding of what's been going on but it would be a very long read.

I've wondered if I'm being ridiculous but I'm not imagining how they're making me feel. My partner doesn't get it. I've tried speaking to him before but its like talking to a brick wall. It's making me feel ill and I'm not sure what to do about it

No one makes you feel anything. It doesnt seem very popular to say that on this website because there is a victim narrative with many posters who dont seem to understand that you empower yourself by feeling important and validated and adequate for your own needs.

If you read your post but reframe most bits of it, you'll see how you can identify a lot of it is what you have chosen to interpret about this person

I would imagine, like a lot of women, she probably does post a load of rubbish on social media, ignore it, who cares what she posts or whether its accurate.

Do you have friends of your own, close to your own family?

I forgot to mention how my SIL never includes my family in anything.
Her family where at my 30th and my babys 1st birthday. She's just recently had a massive party for her 30th and didn't invite my family. Her wedding is next year and there's no talks of inviting them even to the evening do. My mum was saying how nice it would be to go because my daughter will be flower girl and she would have liked to see her walk down the aisle.
Its just infuriating. I dont get how someone could be so selfish.

Just to add, the problem does seem to be with you and your expectations and your externalisation of your need for validity.

What @bellac11 said.

Why should your inlaws socialise with your family? All sounds terribly incestuous to me. Just stop following their SM if it stresses you and live your own lives.

Why wouldn't they? I'm marrying their son! I don't think them having a relationship with my family is a bad thing.
Wouldn't call it incestuous. Bit odd.

Saying its physically draining you and making you ill is a bit telling that you might be over sensitive/dramatic to be honest. Like come on now it really doesn't need to affect you that much does it. You have your own friends and family so just focus on them and let your SIL crack on.

@bellac11 thanks for the support 😂

With the greatest respect she is under no obligation to invite your family to her events. Your mum has no right to attend her wedding regardless of whether or not your daughter is going to be a flower girl. You can take photos/videos and your mum can look at those.

Learn from this and move on, don’t invite her family to your events and then you won’t create an air of expectation that invites need to be reciprocated.

Are you not talking about your DP's brother's partner?

If so I wouldn't expect your family (your actual family not through marriage) to be invited.

Have I got this wrong?

Well this reaction tells me a lot

I gave advice in good faith, its genuine. You can ignore it if you like and pretend that none of its relevant.

Or you can have a think about whether you need to start re framing how you interpret other people's behaviour which may have nothing to do with you at all.

Yabu, from everything you've said I can't see what she's done wrong?

Agree with this, your post reads as though your “SIL” is your DP’s brother’s partner so you are not marrying into her family.

There's no way I'd expect my SIL to invite my mother to her wedding. 🤷‍♀️ Especially if I wasn't even married into the family. That's quite odd if you I think OP.

Aside from that even though you offer no examples, I'll take you at face value that your SIL is not a nice person. So just don't keep in contact with her, and when you bump into her be polite but keep your guard up.

@bellac11 I was making light of what you said. I wasn't being horrible.
With the greatest respect you don't know half of what's been going on.

I understand how it feels to be not favoured with the in laws. It's a horrible feeling. I've cut off with my MIL and am distant with my SIL now. Weirdly my SIL has been slightly nicer to me since I've backed off.