To ask why people do this?

[Ineedtoletgo83]

I’m starting to wonder if I just have an inability to read people. For example. Names changed.

Lucy and I are on a walk and Lucy says oh I’m not keen on Caroline because Caroline is always having loud parties, broke lots of covid rules. Lucy says she doesn’t get a good vibe about Caroline. But 2 months later they’re chatting away and wishing each other a Happy Birthday on Facebook.

example 2

Anna went to school with Helen. Anna says she doesn’t really trust Helen. But then on social media/ seeing each other in the street will say ‘Hi’ wish each other a Happy Birthday etc are Facebook friends.

example 3

Abigail loves to strike up conversation with me, school playground - mum’s drinks. We have a good laugh. Mine and Abigail’s kids are in the same class and are good friends. I bought Abigail a lovely gift when she had a new baby. We’ve also been for a coffee. Our paths have crossed in business - i needed a service and Abigail was able to refer someone to me. All went really well and I appreciated the connecting. Our kids play together in park etc. Abigail turns 40 has a party and doesn’t invite me?

I’ve kind of withdrawn from Social media and I’m just taking a step back. The first two situations are unrelated to the last.

I’m just trying to figure out how people make friends / maintain friendships. Maybe examples 1 and 2 are just people being polite.

I now feel a bit withdrawn from Abigail but she is lovely.

Sorry probably over thinking. I’m trying to think where I go wrong on stuff. First two examples probably totally irrelevant.

People are generally friendly to the people around them. I have running friends, college friends, work friends, neighbours, family. Some of them get on great, some of them maybe wouldn't. If I have a party I try to invite people who will enjoy each other's company and will be at ease. Sometimes that isn't everyone.

And with people I meet on the school run, if I'm not sure of them, I chat in order to get to know them better.

It isn't inconsistent, it's just trying to make the best of things. Maybe that is the reason.

1 and 2 - gossipy bitching behind people's backs and then being nice to their face to avoid drama. Not very nice, but normal.

3 - you're just a mum friend. I wouldn't expect to be invited to a mum friends birthday party. You are acquaintances who only have your children in common. Also completely normal.

Abigail sees you as a school mum friend.

The other examples are non issues. People can be polite and friendly to others even if they wouldn’t want to spend much time together. It’s normal.

Examples 1 and 2 are people being polite. Just because you don't trust someone or have bad vibes about them it doesn't mean you would ignore them - it's OK to say Hi or wish them happy birthday etc but you will never be best mates.

I think Abigail just sees you as an acquaintance rather than a good friend.

Being nice to people your not keen on is normal keeping the peace stuff. Saying happy birthday to someone isn’t exactly indicative of a deep and meaningful friendship.

It's perfectly possible to observe the social niceties and keep things pleasant for an easy life while have some reservations about aspects of someone's character.

I like Friend X, we have a good laugh if we meet for coffee but I would never tell her anything sensitive as she's indiscreet. I like Friend Y but know she's flakey as hell about commitments so would never rely on her for something important. I know I'll have things that irk them too.

You're thinking about things in black and white. That's not how people are.

Situation 3? You're a pal, not an A-list friend to her. That's OK too.

I don’t think everyone knows how to process not liking people. Far too many of us are friends / polite with people that we don’t want to be, go to places that we don’t really want to go to, help people out when we don’t really want to. I don’t know the psychology behind it but “no” isn’t as common as it should be. The FB “happy birthday” is probably overcompensating.

Agree with everyone else.

There are people that I see regularly in life, that I can be pleasant / friendly / sociable to without them being close friends, and sometimes without them being people I would necessarily trust with something important. Doesn't mean I won't be friendly or pleasant to them in everyday interactions.
Example one - if it becomes apparent it is someone's birthday, it is pretty normal to say 'Happy Birthday' even if you don't really know them.... someone who is with a friend you bump in to or someone who started work that day....a tradesman working in your house......a neighbour....... it is just a social pleasantry.
Example 2 the same. ....... Surface pleasantries just make the world go round in a slightly nicer way.
Example 3 - why do you think that she should invite you ? Again, as per first 2 examples, many of us know lots and lots of people. We are friendly, chatty, pleasant, smile at people, might end up being part of a group that go for a night out as part of a specific thing we are both connected to (meal from work / coffee from the playground / drinks with the choir you are in / end of season 'social' for the sports team) but that doesn't make people close enough to then be expecting invitations to the other person's party. They already have family and long standing, or just close friends to invite.

Thanks everyone. It all makes it clearer. I think my issue is I am very black and white. So I see things quite prescriptively.

I don’t mean to be like this but if someone ‘slights’ me then I just cut them off. I don’t do drama. I have a lot of friends school, Uni, work. I’m very sociable and probably spread myself thin. Maybe that’s why I invest in people in short stints but then expect a lot back.

It's mostly just diplomacy. Just because you don't like someone they don't need to know that.

I have a lot of friends school, Uni, work. I’m very sociable and probably spread myself thin. Maybe that’s why I invest in people in short stints but then expect a lot back.

Are all these equal footing friends? What do you mean 'invest in and expect a lot back'?

I don’t mean to be like this but if someone ‘slights’ me then I just cut them off. I don’t do drama.

You have totally contradicted yourself there. "I just cut them off" sounds very OTT and over dramatic to me. I've never "cut off a friendship" in my life

I have a lot of friends school, Uni, work. I’m very sociable and probably spread myself thin. Maybe that’s why I invest in people in short stints but then expect a lot back.

But you don't need to "invest in people" for a friendship. Friendship is about enjoying spending time with people. It shouldn't be hard work. Friendships develop because, after spending time with people it occurs to you that you always have a laugh when you are with them or that you can just chat about anything when you are with them. It isn't like doing a course where you get a higher grade if you put more effort in. Or work where you might hope for promotion or a bonus or praise because your hard work is acknowledged.
I find this quite odd.

I think you do have to ‘invest’. Make the time for people/organise things etc spend time together.

I’ve cut off people who have been cruel to me or anyone I know.

I'm ND and understand your queries, I don't know why people bitch about others behind their back and then go out of their way to be friendly. Some people are particularly bitchy and gossip a lot and I think they're either sad or doing it to be manipulative.

I don't get most people. But I have learned how to be polite and make the right noises to function.

No bitching though.

The very small group of friends I have are the same.

I get what you mean OP. I find this as well. It's rather depressing.
I don't trust many people or let them in. Easier that way.

I’m not a fan of the low end bitchiness you mention in the first 2 examples, but none of these 3 are friendships, they are all acquaintances.

You and Abigail are not friends, you are acquaintances or mum friends, you hang out because you share a life situation and you like each other well enough. That’s not a reason to invite each other to birthday parties.

I don’t think you have lots of friends OP, no one really does. You might have lots of acquaintances. life will be easier if toh distinguish

yes perhaps it’s distinguishing. Interesting I do see things quite black and white. The low end bitchiness I don’t like because I just wouldn’t bother bitching but then pretend to be friends with someone. I do think some people are just acquaintances but I didn’t see Abigail like that. We are of a similar culture/ethnicity and have a lot in common I thought! We’ve had some deep conversations!!

some of my friend we’ve been close since Year 4-5 at school then my university friends for coming up to 20 years. We share a lot over life from weddings to births to parent’s funerals. So I do count myself lucky to have a few friends.

I have found the bitching of the mum world a bit harder. Honestly my friends and I literally never bitch! I find it exhausting when people do and think gosh why bother!

This weekend we’re off to spend the weekend with an old work friend of mine and her family.

i can understand a dislike for bitching….although it is therapeutic. However cutting people off who ‘slight’ you makes you sound a bit narcissistic tbh. Sounds like poor Abigail will be next for the chop! How dare she not invite you to her party! Doesn’t she know how important you should be to her?

Friendship shouldn’t be transactional, it’s not about expecting a return on your investment!

i don’t think I could be friends with someone with form for cutting off people who don’t meet certain expectations!

I said ‘slight’ but only if people are cruel. Example being at school a friend turned out to be an undercover bully (responsible for spreading rumours and writing graffiti about me and my other friend).

my old narcissistic boss who literally bullied the entire team has tried to get in touch a couple of times - I’ve blocked him. We were good friends in the early days of me starting in his team.