To be feeling that I’m not really living my life?

[Cookie121]

I’m in my early 40’s and I don’t feel like I’ve really lived my life to the fullest. I’m really sad about it and want to post how I’m feeling for some support and advice, please be kind if you can.

I wasn’t wanted as a child. My parents were trying for a boy and I was their last hope but obviously I turned out a disappointment that I was a girl. They never hid this from me and infact a horrible aunt of mine told me infront of the whole family once how everyone cried at my birth and grandma was praying I’d die naturally and wouldn’t live to see my first birthday.

my childhood was not great as you can imagine. There was abuse from the aunts son when I was 8-10. I didn’t tell until my 20’s. My older sisters would taunt me and call me “the spare”, “unwanted” etc. school was not great either as I’m Asian and went to a all white school where I was racially bullied and had zero friends. My siblings were older than me so we didn’t get to go to same schools so I never had the companionship they had with each other. I had daily comments of “she smells of curry”, plus the “p” word.

I’ll keep it brief now - forward to my adult life: university was horrible as I always felt people don’t want me around do I stayed in my room all the time instead of enjoying my freedom. I was very lonely and no one really bothered with me as they assumed I liked being alone. I married DH then a whole lot of other problems with a MIL from hell who hated me as I married her only son. She made my life hell. I have children if my own and eldest is a girl. Mil made so many nasty remarks about her being a girl and that was the first time in my life I stood up to her and just exploded. She called my parents for a meeting and denied everything she said! DH who was present there didn’t stand up to me and privately told me everyone secretly wants a boy and SIL told me when I was pregnant that “everyone will be disappointed if it’s a girl” she also later denied this! His family made out that I lie about things and I’m crazy. DH was there for every conversation but refused to say that it’s the truth.

many years have passed since this incident and I don’t talk to SIL at all. DH takes the kids to visit and makes me feel guilty for not going but I will never speak to her again. Mil I keep it civil and visit her 4 times a week.

im really sad as I’m very lonely and feel so much hurt. I don’t have any real connections with anyone. I just feel that I exist and font live. I’ve changed my username for my own peace of mind but I’ve posted about DH in the past and was told he financially abuses me. I have no where to go. I just want to be happy and live my life.

I am so sorry for what you have bern through. It’s not your fault though that you had cruel family members. It’s theirs. If you can, stop turning the anger against yourself and turn it onto them. Write a letter, punch a pillow but get that anger out. How DARE they?

Start loving yourself. You have yourself and you are your own new best friend. Take yourself to interesting places. Squirrel away money here and there and hide it. Save up for escape/ something you want. We are all free in our own minds and that is the key. Take up new, secret hobbies.

Understand that because of your upbringing you naturally assume that people don’t like you but that this isn’t true now. Start to lower your barriers and let people in. Learn yo laugh and have fun and break that hold of fear and shame. I know it’s not always possible to leave situations but you can break out of the box they have put you in by learning to love, to feel good and to be liked. Good luck OP 💐

This made me really sad to read. Sounds like you need to keep sticking up for yourself like you have with SIL, leave your DH and make a life for yourself your kids. It won’t be easy but will be empowering. Try and get all the support you can.
also seeing MIL 4 times a week is overly generous, I’d cut that down to one if at all!!

@Urunbelievable and @Katesboy8

Thank you so much for your replies. Yes I do need to find time for myself and do some hobbies. I do always feel people don’t want me around. I don’t feel I’m likeable as in my last job the girls would go on nights out and never invite me. Maybe subconsciously I might give out vibes that I’m not likeable and people pick this up. I don’t know how to change this.

OP, I would recommend therapy for you alone. Work on processing your childhood and then work on protecting your daughter from the same thing.
You can leave and would be fine, but you can't see it right now because your confidence in yourself is zero. Work on this, its the key to getting out. There's still time to get a life.

I too was unwanted for being female, but screw that. Being female rocks.

I'd say, any chance of therapy? And divorce?? And building up some confidence?

And, I apologise to you sincerely for the racist abuse you experienced in school from white people. It's not good enough.

I admire you for having got this far. Your relatives are small minded and cruel. Do you need to see your MIL so much?

I think you should spend that time pursuing an interest of your own instead. Join a local social group, an art class or a club. Maybe volunteer at a primary school, help with reading practice. You are an experienced mum with skills. Somewhere completely untouched by your family, where you can be yourself and have none of the past nastiness hanging over you. Somewhere you will be valued as you and build a support network.

Once you have some external support, you will build some confidence, and then all things become possible. xx

I’m so so glad that I had a girl, look at all the issues in the world caused by men and their horrific ego’s.

OP be proud! You’ve created a family, you stood up for your daughter.

how old are your children? Look for something for you to enjoy. Get some counselling, don’t accept the blame from your family, your family should hang their heads in shame for the way that they have treated you.